


Ashley Baby

by princess_mouse



Category: Black Veil Brides
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fights, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Platonic Relationships, Relationship Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-17
Updated: 2018-06-04
Packaged: 2019-03-05 22:09:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 82,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13397277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princess_mouse/pseuds/princess_mouse
Summary: “Don’t bother coming home tonight, I don’t want you here.”Andy and Ashley's constant fighting causes them lose sight of what's most important in their relationship. Thankfully, they have supportive friends to guide them through the journey and help them see how much they truly love each other.





	1. Chapter 1

“You’re being a fucking baby,” Andy shouted at Ashley.

The smaller of the two placed his hands on his hips and glared back at his boyfriend. “I’m a baby? You’re the one throwing a tantrum about me going out!” Ashley yelled back. They stood in the middle of the living room arguing, only a couch dividing them.

“I’m the one who has to take care of your drunk ass when you get home! I’m twenty- one years old, why should I have to take care of a grown ass man?”

The comment somewhat stung and Ashley’s hand came up to pinch the bridge of his nose. He hated the venomous resentment in Andy’s voice. It wasn’t like he didn’t do his fair share of taking care of Andy. If anything, he gave up a lot of his partying and clubbing because his boyfriend wasn’t old enough legally to get into the bars. If anyone had the right to be resentful, he did. “Do you think I wanted to play babysitter to a minor? Because that’s no walk in the park either Andy!” Ashley said bitterly.

“I didn’t ask you to be my keeper you piece of shit,” Andy spat. He crossed his arms over his chest and his blue eyes leered over at his boyfriend. He was happy there was a couch dividing them because that exasperated look Ashley was giving him, made him want to lean over and slap him.

Ashley knew it was a pointless fight. They would hurt each other, and tomorrow things would go back to normal. He would feel worthless and guilty all night which usually meant he would either drink his sorrows away or try to stay sober to make Andy happy. He was six years older and he knew Andy was still immature in many ways. Though it didn’t excuse how these fights made him feel. “I wanted to take care of you. That was my choice and I did it out of love,” Ashley said defensively.

“You sitting with me on the bus while everyone else went out partying is different than me having to put you to bed or clean puke out of your hair,” Andy said. “What would you do if you didn’t have me there to take care of you when you were drunk?”

“Oh, fuck off! I hardly come home drunk and if I was that drunk, I would stay with CC to save you the fucking trouble. All you do is yell and tell me how disappointed you are in me. Admit it, I disappoint you,” Ashley yelled. His eyes were starting to itch.

Andy’s laughter cut through the yelling and he glared angrily at his boyfriend. He was mad and for some reason he decided to make sure Ashley didn’t walk away from this fight unscathed. “Yah, Ash you do disappoint me. I’m basically wasting my early twenties taking care of a man old enough to make adult decisions. It’s like I’m taking care of a child. I’m a fucking parent to you! You felt like a babysitter dealing with me? How the hell do you think I feel dealing with you?”

Ashley said nothing.

His mind was blank, and his eyes were watering. He was angry, sad, and many other emotions he couldn’t label at that exact moment. His whole body was starting to feel numb and as Andy kept laying into him about everything he ever did wrong; the world tuned out. There was a light hum of Andy’s deep voice but nothing else. He stood stark still and let his boyfriend hurl more insults at him until he noticed Andy stop. His long elegant fingers clasped over his mouth and he looked genuinely shocked at his words.

“Don’t bother coming home tonight, I don’t want you here.”

The words hung thick in the air and Andy was back peddling. He now had his hands up in a defensive manner as he tried to approach Ashley, even though the smaller man wouldn’t look at him. All the words were slowly sinking in, cutting him inside and out.

“I’m going to go to CC’s,” he said barely above a whisper. He backed out of the living room slowly and walked down the hall of their apartment. Ashley slipped on the first available pair of shoes and grabbed his jacket. He couldn’t face Andy who was now coming after him, begging for him not to leave, and to come back into the living room so they could talk.

Ashley ignored him. He pulled open the front door and slipped out. He heard his dogs barking as he walked down the hall. He knew their neighbors heard the fight, he expected the old lady across the hall to throw her door open and give him hell for the noise. Luckily, he got down to his car without any of the neighbors reaming him out.

CC wasn’t home.

He sat in his car and tried to calm down. His hands rung at the steering wheel and he didn’t know what he wanted to do. Going back upstairs wasn’t an option. His phone was vibrating in his pocket as Andy desperately tried to contact him. Tears of anger and frustration pooled in Ashley’s eyes. He felt unwanted as he put the car in reverse and drove out of the underground garage. He needed to clear his head and get away from it all.

Ashley drove around aimlessly until he could no longer see through the tears. His chest started to burn as he tried to breathe through his hiccups. All his mindless driving led him to Jinxx’s house. The guitarist was stunned to find Ashley on his doorstep in tears, he extended his arms, and welcomed him in.

Jinxx was a great mediator and he was neutral like Switzerland. Aside from being talented and smart, he was understanding. He didn’t push to hard when Ashley flopped facedown onto the couch and started crying more. He leaned over the back of the couch and rubbed the smaller man’s back. With his free hand he read his text messages which were all from Andy, relaying his side of the fight with Ashley and everything he regretted saying. He tapped out a reassuring text in hopes to sooth Andy’s worry and promised to call him in a bit.

“He hates me!” Ashley wailed into the black throw cushions.

Jinxx jumped from the small outburst and pocketed his phone. He kept rubbing his friend’s back to ease his emotional and physical pain. “How about you sit up and we’ll talk about the fight. I would like to hear your side of it,” Jinxx offered patiently.

“There is no point! He doesn’t love me anymore because I’m disappointing,” Ashley said into the cushions. He wanted to sink into the darkness of the couch and hide there. Jinxx’s warm hand rubbing his back was comforting but it made him long for Andy’s touch instead. His hiccups were bound to return as he started to suck in short breaths around his sobs.

If he knew Andy, he would be sitting idly on their bed with his phone tightly gripped in his hand as he waited for Ashley to answer his messages. His blue eyes would be red rimmed with mascara and eyeliner and he would dutifully sit waiting for that text or call. Ashley did something similar, he’d drink and stare at his phone all the while making CC listen to his sob story about loving Andy unconditionally.

“You’re being a big baby right now, Ashley Purdy,” Jinxx lightly teased.

Ashley abruptly sat up at the comment looking complete devastated. Jinxx’s heart started to constrict in his chest as he saw his friend’s lip quiver and more tears cascade down his cheeks. He didn’t know it was possible for Ashley to look so adorable as he hiccupped, and he wiped away the tears falling from his brown eyes.

“Not a baby,” Ashley hiccupped.

Jinxx decided not to pursue the subject further. “Since you’re up why don’t you tell me what started the fight between you and Andy,” Jinxx said resuming the back rub he was giving Ashley.

“An-Andy was mad that I wanted to go out with CC. I spend all my time with Andy, I’m allowed to have friends and he got mad at me for saying that. He kept saying he was wasting his life taking care of me when I’m drunk. I don’t go out drinking like I used too, I take Andy with me to every party I attend. He said he was disappointed in me and that it’s like he was taking care of a child. Then he kept yelling at me and said he didn’t want me to come home tonight,” Ashley blubbered. His hiccups were getting worse and Jinxx rounded the couch to pull his friend into a hug.

Ashley melted into the embrace and hugged Jinxx back. The tears started to cease a bit even if the hiccups were a squeaky reminder that even an hour later Ashley wasn’t calm. They remained in the hug even when the front door swung open and a disgruntled Jake stomped into the house swearing up a storm. He walked right past the living room and into the kitchen with the groceries.

“Fucking Andy and Ashley! Man, I’m telling you, they got into a rank fight. Andy’s freaking out that Ashley is going to dump him over what he said. He had me on the phone the whole time I was shopping. I swear those two are going to kill each other one day. As for Ashley, he’s probably being a baby and crying about his little spat because he didn’t stand up to Andy. When are they going to figure out that they need to talk through their problems and try to fix things? Jinxx?” Jake rambled until he didn’t get a response. He abandoned his mission of putting the food away and walked back into the living room to get Jinxx’s attention. “Jeremy! Did you hear -Ash?”

Jinxx lifted his hand and gestured for him to get lost. His blue eyes were full of warning and his face was pleading with Jake to not get involved.

“Hey Ash, I’m sorry I didn’t see you there,” Jake said rubbing at his neck awkwardly. He felt like an idiot for not noticing someone else in his house or the red Camaro out front. He was so wrapped up in his own thoughts and Andy’s problems he didn’t notice Ashley’s presence.

A fresh set of tears started and Jinxx gestured again for him to leave them alone.

“Andy is pretty choked up and wants you to come home,” Jake started without thinking.

Andy’s venomous words were echoing in Ashley’s head on repeat. _Don’t bother coming home tonight, I don’t want you here._ He was confused. He didn’t know what to believe because one phrase was said out of resentment and the other would have been said out of desperation or regret.

Jinxx was about to break his violence free lifestyle in favor of giving Jake a smack upside the head for not taking his very clear hints to leave this fight be. He glared at his best friend and wondered if they themselves would be having a fight later about minding one’s business. He did the only thing he could think of to get rid of Jake. “Can you call CC? I want him to pick Ashley up,” Jinxx said giving Jake a soft smile as a peace offering. “Then you can drive Ashley’s car back over to his place and check on Andy.”

Jake looked as if he was being punished. “How am I going to get home?” he asked. His concerned look made Jinxx laugh.

“I want to put some distance between them for a few hours. Once they both calm down, I can sit down with each of them and hear their side. I’ve already heard their sides when their upset. Then I will mediate for them together in the same room,” Jinxx said feeling quite proud of his plan.

“That still doesn’t answer my question. How do I get home?”

Jinxx didn’t know how to break it to Jake that he intended on leaving him with Andy for the night. “I’ll drive over to see Andy and you can come home with me,” Jinxx lied.

Ashley sniffled and pulled away from Jinxx, no longer desiring to be held. He didn’t like that everyone was openly discussing their relationship and Andy in front of him. He was numb and drained from the events of the day. His head and eyes ached furiously from all the crying. His throat and chest were tight from his staggered breathing and hiccups -which were starting to subside. The odd tear dribbled from his eyes and Jinxx looked at him sympathetically. He shrunk away when Jinxx went to rub his back again, he didn’t want anyone touching him. His ridged body language and look was enough for Jinxx to withdraw his hand knowing the smaller man reached his limit of friendly affection.

Jake shuffled off mumbling about how he had plans to play Call of Duty not deal with his friends tonight. He went back to the kitchen to call CC and put away the rest of the groceries.

Jinxx wished Ashley still wanted comfort. Things were now quiet and awkward between them. He knew it had to do with Jake’s Andy comment. Ashley dug his phone out of his pocket, paling when he saw all the texts and missed calls.

“Put your phone away,” Jinxx whispered. He knew the messages would only trigger more pain and anger. He was willing to wrestle the phone out of Ashley’s hands if he had too. He was amazed when his friend complied and shoved the phone back into his pocket.

Ashley placed his head in his hands and leaned his elbows onto his knees. His head was pounding, and he was dizzy. His breathing was evening out but now his stomach was acidic and churning. He didn’t realize he was shaking until Jinxx asked him if he was okay. He gulped around the thick lump in his throat and tried to breathe through his stuffy nose.

Jinxx got up from the couch to get him some water and Kleenex. “When’s the last time you ate? You’ve got the shakes,” Jinxx pointed out when he returned to Ashley’s side.

The water felt nice against his sore throat, it also stopped the dizzy spell that would've gotten worse. Even blowing his nose relieved some of the pressure in his head and allowed him to breathe freely again. It was a good question, when was the last time he ate? When the fight broke out it was the middle of the afternoon. He had a cup of coffee while Andy smoked on the small porch. There was a piece of lemon meringue pie in the fridge he intended to eat. They sat together at the small bistro set until Andy was done his cigarette, once they were back inside the fighting started, and neither of them got past the living room.

Jinxx didn’t have time to wait for Ashley to answer him and he got up again. He knew the bassist would eat whatever he put in front of him and he decided on fruit. When Jake started questioning what he was doing, Jinxx kindly reminded him to mind his own business, and asked if he got a hold of CC.

“He’s on his way,” Jake said. He didn’t feel it was important to tell Jinxx how worried CC was and that he was driving across town in a panic to get to their house. He explained calmly to the drummer that Ashley would be okay and was safe. “How’s Ash doing?” Jake asked.

“He’s calming down. I think once he’s with CC he’ll be more at ease,” Jinxx said cutting up a pear and placing it in a bowl.

Jake grabbed the empty water glass and filled it for Jinxx. “I guess I’ll go check on Andy. I’ll pick him up some food as well,” he said reluctantly.

“Ash’s keys are in his jacket pocket,” Jinxx answered back sweetly. He really didn’t want to fight with Jake, they were best friends, and lived together. He knew he was asking a lot of Jake right now and he appreciated that he would cooperate.

The opportunity to drive Ashley’s Camaro was exciting to Jake. He thought it wasn’t a practical choice the first time he saw the car but the few times he drove it was a treat. Jake decided before he left to wrap his arms around Jinxx’s waist and hug him from behind. He breathed in the smell of his friend’s fruity shampoo. They had a comfortable non-sexual relationship, they hugged, and cuddled but nothing further.

“I’ll see you tonight Jakey,” Jinxx said relaxing into the hug.

Jake took the hint and pulled away. He felt like he was grasping onto any excuse not to leave. He forced himself to go get the keys. The sooner he left meant Jinxx would come and get him.

Jinxx returned to the living room with the pear and water. Ashley had his head buried in his hands again and that made Jinxx uneasy. He was more worried that his friend was about to pass out from the way he was breathing and shaking. “Ashley, do you want to lay down?” he asked placing the fruit and water on the table.

Ashley didn’t know what he wanted. He lifted his head and tried his hardest to focus on everything going on around him. He reached a shaky hand out to pick up the glass of water. The thought of food made his stomach churn even if he was hungry.

“You need to eat something,” Jinxx pushed a bit.

Finishing his water, Ashley didn’t argue with Jinxx. He knew he needed to eat the small bowl of pear on the table. The fruit was naturally sweet, and he felt better instantly. Jinxx’s hand press to his forehead for a moment then withdraw. Ashley was aware his skin was a little clammy. Throughout the whole fight and his break down he felt like he was either going to boil or freeze to death.

“Can I get you anything else?”

Ashley declined, he already barged into Jinxx’s house, and broke down for an hour on his couch. He didn’t dare ask more of his friend. He already had a lot of guilt dragging Jinxx and soon CC into this ridiculous fight he had with Andy. Poor Jake was being forced to sort out his boyfriend when it should be him going home. None of their friends deserved to be caught up in their relationship problems.

Jinxx took a seat beside Ashley on the couch.

“I really appreciate all this Jinxx,” he said fidgeting with a piece of his long black hair. He was thankful, he made a mental note to tell each of them how much he appreciated their help after this fight was over.

The guitarist basked in the appreciation for a moment. “Come here. I want to give my favorite little bassist a cuddle,” Jinxx said wrapping his arm around Ashley’s shoulders and pulling him against him. His hand rubbed Ashley’s arms affectionately. “Things will get better between you two. You guys have an age gap and sometimes you both forget how to appreciate one another. That doesn’t mean you two don’t love each other.”

Ashley breathed out a loud breath and closed his eyes. Jinxx was right, he was always right. Things would get better. Once they both cooled down there would be time to talk. Time to repair all the hurt feelings and make amends. Ashley saw Andy behind his closed eyelids. His matted black hair and bright blue eyes, his piercings and furled eyebrows, his smile and quaint nose. He was hopelessly in love with someone six years younger than him. He loved the feeling of standing on his tip toes to give Andy a kiss and tangling his fingers into the taller boy’s messy hair. Ashley loved when Andy hugged him and told him how much he loved him. He even loved when they wiped away each other’s tears and apologized. The moment they would rest their foreheads against one another’s and vow to never say hurtful things again, even thought it was a lie. Ashley never had hurtful words slung at him until he started dating Andy; the words left him numb and confused. In his defense he didn’t know how to handle such outbursts and he allowed them to happen. He sat beside his boyfriend who cried and promised to be a better partner. Ashley did his fair share of instigating screaming matches and arguing but no matter how much Andy’s words hurt him, he couldn’t find it in his heart to saying anything cruel back. 

Jinxx smiled inwardly as Ashley cuddled into his side. His breathing was now evened out and his ridged body language was replaced by a relaxed sleeping form. He sat comfortably and texted Andy. With Ashley asleep, that was one less person he had to worry about. He gave Andy a heads up that Jake was stopping by with food and he would see him in a few hours. All the younger man’s messages were about Ashley and concern for his well-being. Jinxx reminded Andy to stop texting and calling Ashley for a while. His biggest fear was Ashley reading all the texts and coming undone again. Leaving CC to clean up that mess wasn’t fair. As Ashley napped, Jinxx continued to text Andy until Jake arrived.

If Jinxx thought Andy was a worried mess, CC was a whole new level. The drummer came through the front door in a huff. His brown eyes were blown out of proportion as he waltzed into the living room as if he was on a mission. Words were coming out of his mouth but Jinxx calmly smiled at him and pocketed his phone.

“Ash fell asleep about half an hour ago. Feed him and keep him off his phone okay?”

CC nodded and took a seat in Jake’s armchair. His hands mussed up his hair causing his bandana to push away from his forehead. He adjusted the fabric and composed himself. “I couldn’t even hear what Ash was saying on the voicemail he left me. I called Andy and he was the same, he couldn’t tell me anything. I had to hear it all from Jake as second-hand information,” CC said slightly frustrated.

“CC, you need to calm down. The minute Ash senses you’re stressed, he is going to get worked up again,” Jinxx said softly as not to wake up his friend. “You’re the best person for Ash to be with right now and I trust you the most to take care of him.”

CC looked a little skeptical. “What about Andy?” he asked.

“I’m going to go sit with him and make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid like call or text Ash a million times,” Jinxx replied honestly. He trusted Andy was smart enough to heed his warning about contacting Ashley.

The drummer narrowed his eyes a bit over the comment. He wasn’t used to Ashley being upset or crying. He didn’t know if he would be able to handle it if he started again. “What do I do if he starts you know…crying or gets upset?” CC asked nervously.

“What would you do if it was your girlfriend?” Jinxx replied genuinely.

CC shrugged and thought about the question for a moment. “I would do everything in my power to stop her from crying,” CC said.

“Then you don’t need me to tell you what to do for Ash.”

Silence filled the room and Jinxx decided it was time for Ashley to wake up. He gently shook the smaller man’s arm and he responded with a small mumble. His brown eyes fluttered open and he quietly apologized for falling asleep. He gave CC a weak smile and sat up to stretch.

“Common Outlaw, let’s go get you some Del Taco,” CC said cheerfully. He stood up and motioned for Ashley to follow him to the landing.

Jinxx got up and followed the others out of the living room. He was grateful that CC was going to take over. He needed a minute to himself before he went to Andy’s. He watched CC go into protective mode and wouldn’t let Ashley put his shoes on without help. The smaller man scowled but allowed CC to dress him without much fuss.

Ashley already managed to anger Andy today, he didn’t want to push his luck with CC. He didn’t like being treated like he was helpless. He was able to do things for himself. He was sad, that didn’t mean he couldn’t put his shoes or jacket on by himself.  

“I’m not a child,” Ashley mumbled under his breath as CC got his own shoes on. Andy kept referring to him as a child during their fight and he wanted those words to stop floating through his mind. He wished all his boyfriend’s words would quiet down and disappear. He didn’t realize he was pouting or had his arms crossed over his chest which made him look defiant.

Jinxx raised on eyebrow at the comment and gave Ashley a reassuring smile. He planned to text CC and remind him to not treat the bassist like he was hopeless at taking care of himself. Part of him worried about sending Ashley off with CC and another part of him knew it needed to happen. He had to let his friend go and trust that he would be able to cope without him. Andy needed him too.

Ashley was the one who pulled Jinxx into a hug and it was odd. As if he would never see him again. Jinxx hugged him tightly for a second and pulled away. He softly pushed Ashley towards CC, who was waiting at the now open door. Jinxx hoped his blue eyes were conveying the loving emotion he felt in the moment. He gave them a small wave as CC closed the door behind them.

Jinxx didn’t watch them drive away. He walked over to his bookshelf and selected a book. He needed a few minutes of peace to clear his head before he took on Andy’s problems and Jake’s complaining. There was something about Ashley’s goodbye hug that was unsettling for Jinxx. He pushed the thought from his subconscious and took a seat in Jake’s armchair. He enjoyed his peace as he read a couple of poems by Lord Byron. His peace didn’t last more than an hour and the calls and texts started to flood in.

“I need you to sort Andy out. I can’t,” Jake said desperately on the phone.

Rolling his eyes, Jinxx tucked the ribbon bookmark between the pages, and closed the book. He gripped his cellphone tightly in his hand. “I’m on my way,” he said hanging up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been playing around with this idea for a while and thought I might as well post it. I can't find the motivation to write my GNR story so I have to work on something and this seems to be it. 
> 
> Yes the title it totally inspired from Ashley by Escape The Fate! 
> 
> Chapter 2 is more about Andy's side! 
> 
> If you liked the story hit the kudos button and leave a comment! I love hearing from the readers!  
> 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Andy is panicking!  
> Italics are inner thoughts!

Andy frantically paced around the apartment and pulled at his thick matted hair.

_He’s never coming back. Oh God what have I done?_

The tears poured forth from his bloodshot blue eyes and he tried to think rationally.

 _I didn’t mean to say those things. I was mad, I never think straight when I'm mad. All I do is overreact and complain. I scream and yell hurtful things then expect Ash to forgive me. He’s going to dump me. There is no way he will forgive me after what I said to him. I told him I didn’t want him to come home tonight. Why did I say that? Of course, I want him to be here in our home and bed._  

Andy’s growing anxiety was making it harder to breathe. He pulled his hands from his hair in favor of grabbing his phone. He had to try, there was no harm in trying to contact Ashley before he left the apartment. There was no harm in asking him to come home either. They could talk this through and fix everything. He was willing to do anything at this point for Ashley.

_Pick up! Why won’t you answer? I need you to reassure me that you still love me. I need you to come home to me!_

He walked into their bedroom and crawled into bed. It was a safe place and Ashley’s Pomeranians followed him because they wanted attention. On the bed the little dogs cuddled close to Andy in hopes of comforting him as he cried and tapped out another text to Ashley. He wanted to go back in time and tell Ashley how much he really loved him instead of fighting.

_I don’t like when people call me a baby or a child, why would Ash like it? If he called me a disappointment, I would have thrown a tantrum and got in his face. Imagine if I was drinking when this fight broke out. I probably would have pushed Ash around because he’s smaller and won’t fight back. I did it once before so what’s stopping me from raising my hand to him again? Ash took the blame for that fight when it was clearly my fault. I don’t want to accept he might be happy with other people besides me. All he wanted to do was hang out with CC, I had no reason to be jealous or paranoid. Ash would never cheat on me because he believes in commitment._

Andy laughed nervously, and Tokyo looked at him as if he had gone mad.

_Fidelity. It was tattooed across Ash’s fingers in pride. A representation of the Purdy coat of arms and his belief in bonding. He always tells me how much I mean to him and that I’m the only one his heart belongs to. Even when I’m spiteful and mean he still loves me unconditionally. Not that I deserve that love._

The tears kept running down Andy’s cheeks as he curled up into the fetal position on the bed. His efforts to contact Ashley were failing. He wasn’t going to pick up the phone or answer the texts anytime soon. All he could do was wait. Killer cuddled up closer to Andy to wait as well.

_I fucking hate you, Ash. Don’t bother coming home tonight, I don’t want you here._

The words replayed in his head.

_I don’t hate you. I could never hate you Ashes. I don’t hate you at all._

Andy texted Jinxx next. If Ashley wouldn’t answer he needed to talk to someone before he went mad. He stayed comfortably curled up with Ashley’s dogs as he explained to Jinxx what he said and how much he regretted it. He wasn’t prepared when his friend said he would call him in a bit. It felt like the world was abandoning him. What if Jinxx was disappointed in him now?

His phone rang but it was neither of the people he wanted to talk too. It was only CC, who asked where Ashley was. That brought forth more tears and all of Andy’s words slurred together. His lack of sense made CC hang up and try to get a hold of Ashley again. In desperation Andy decided the only person left to call was Jake. He felt terrible making the guitarist listen to his problems, Jake was used to being talked at whether it was a girlfriend or Jinxx making him sit and listen. He couldn’t exactly provide much advice, he could listen and add the odd comment.

Andy lost track of time.

He got up at some point and put on Ashley’s Hustler hoodie which smelled like his cologne. He had his phone death gripped in his hand as he numbly stared at the wall. He would wait, he had to wait for Ashley to message him. Even with the hunger pangs stabbing at his stomach he wouldn’t get up. He lay on his side of the bed awaiting the return of his lover.

_I don’t deserve food. I don’t deserve anything after what I did._

He didn’t want to stop punishing himself. Chastising himself made him accountable for what he said and how he made Ashley feel. He hated when he made Ashley cry. It was becoming more frequent since they finished touring. At least when they were on tour they were busy and there was no time to pick at each other. Unfortunately, once they returned home all the months of peace were spent in a constant screaming match over things that weren’t worth fighting over.

_I've slapped him, I told him I was disappointed in him and that I hated him. No wonder he stands there and lets me run my mouth. He doesn’t want to hurt me like I hurt him. I’ve treated him like a doormat since we got home from tour. God help me if I get another chance. I don’t deserve one._

Andy was jolted from his thoughts when his phone vibrated in his hand. He sat up abruptly causing Tokyo and Killer to scamper over to Ashley’s side of the bed and glare at him. He frantically read over the text from Jinxx. A feeling of ease and happiness overcame him as he read that Ashley was at his house. He couldn’t stop himself from asking how he was. He didn’t fault Jinxx for giving him limited information on Ashley’s well-being, knowing his boyfriend was safe was the most important thing to him. Jinxx asked him kindly to cease his messages and calls until Ashley was feeling up to answering them.

_It’s fair, Ash needs space. I can do that. He lets me have space when I need it. If that is all I can do to prove myself that’s what I’ll do._

Jinxx asked if he could tell him about the fight.

In retrospect Ashley had kindly declined kissing him until he brushed his teeth. There was only one thing his boyfriend hated and it was smoking. It was such a simple request, one Andy was used too. Ashley asked him almost daily to quit or cut back on smoking which grated on his nerves even if his boyfriend meant well. Ashley smiled at him with that loving look when he asked and waited not expecting that a fight was rounding the corner on their otherwise perfect day. He meant no harm in his request and as he waited he mentioned going out with CC. That one comment annoyed Andy instantly.

The minute he started yelling Ashley shrunk down in stature until he was ready to start using his words. His words that were thought out and rational. He might have been yelling but he never uttered a venomous word back. Ashley called him out on who was throwing a tantrum because it was clearly him. He reminded Andy of the things he gave up to date someone younger and how he didn’t regret that.

Ashley had grown up a lot by cutting back on his drinking and partying. He only came home drunk a few times and Andy voluntarily took care of him. It wasn’t until this fight that he decided he was going to use two drunken nights as examples of why he was sick of Ashley going out. Andy knew his anger stemmed from not being allowed to go along with his boyfriend. He went out with his friends all the time and left Ashley at home. Not once did he hear Ashley complaining or starting a fight over him going out. Then there was the escalation in the fight. The comments that wounded Ashley.

Disappointment - Ashley mentioned the word in his argument as if to challenge him. Andy loved a challenge and he rolled with it. Sadly, he didn’t believe his own words as they spewed forth from his vicious mouth. How many times did he call Ashley a baby or child? Enough to make himself feel superior when he himself was the child. Mentioning parents was a low blow- the moment he referred to himself as a parent to Ashley he regretted that statement. It was a sensitive topic; one that made Ashley very upset unless he was the one talking about them.

If that didn’t seal his fate with mean things to emotionally cripple his boyfriend all the names he called Ashley would. There were three words that got Ashley’s blood boiling or his tears flowing. Whore, slut, and easy. Andy spat those words at him knowing they would hurt. Reminding Ashley that he was once frivolous in his sex life in his early twenties and all the little injustices in their relationship were a quick stab. Andy asked the cruel question of what he even saw in Ashley or why he bothered with this relationship anymore.

Then came the closing sentence - _I fucking hate you, Ash. Don’t bother coming home tonight, I don’t want you here._

Andy realized as he typed out everything that he was mad at Ashley for two reasons. One, he was tired of being undermined because he was younger. Two, he was mad that Ashley broke a promise to him.

It was such a small promise. A little pillow talk from the night before about spending the day together and going stargazing in the evening. Knowing Ashley, he was good on his word and if Andy calmly reminded him, he would have fixed the problem. If there was one thing Ashley was good at, it was keeping a promise.

Andy felt guilty as he realized throughout the fight Ashley’s only other comments were about wanting to spend time with his friends. It was such a simple request. Ashley made it very clear that he could have other friends outside of their relationship and band. Andy met Ashley’s friends at the beginning of their relationship and he liked them. He never intended for his boyfriend to feel trapped or lose contact with his friends.

Jinxx didn’t lecture him once he read all the texts. He explained that Ashley didn’t mention a lot of those things to him and gently reminded Andy that giving his boyfriend space was the smartest thing to do right now. Randomly, Jinxx threw a text in about Jake coming over with food and the conversation continued casually about how he would come over later to hang out.

The conversation was cut short when Jake arrived.

The older man was not impressed that he had to climb seven flights of stairs because the elevator was broken. Once inside the apartment he kicked off his shoes haphazardly which brought Andy from his room as Tokyo and Killer went on a barking frenzy over the stranger.

“Don’t give me that look,” Jake said grumpily.

Andy didn’t know what look he meant. He watched Jake closely as he walked into the living room and tossed Ashley’s keys on the coffee table.

“You need to eat then we’re going to have a talk,” Jake said glaring over at the younger man.

Tokyo and Killer continued their barking until Andy walked into the living room and scooped them up in his arms. “Quiet,” he said sternly. The barking stopped, and the two little dogs calmed down.

Jake snickered as Andy put the dogs down on the loveseat and sat down. “Why does it not surprise me that Ashley would have two yappy little dogs?” he asked.

“They don’t like strangers,” Andy said defensively.

That made Jake shrug as he put the Arby’s bag he had in his hand on the coffee table. He wasn’t exactly in the mood to deal with any bullshit as he shoved the bag towards Andy and said nothing. He sat quietly across from his bandmate on the opposite couch. He knew Jinxx would flick him in the ear if he knew how snotty he was being. Jake was happy he ate in the car to save Andy from his hangry rage.

He was pissed off that Jinxx sent him over here. Why was this his problem?

In the back of his head a little voice kept saying Jinxx was lying about picking him up later. He wouldn't put it past him, no matter how genuine and kind Jinxx was, he could be a spiteful prick when he wanted to be.

Jake was aggravated as he watched Andy pick at his food. He did the exact same thing when he was upset. He did that when his mind was racing and wanted more from Jinxx even though he knew he couldn’t have it. Andy looked lost as he forced himself to eat a curly fry. That sad look made Jake want to either hug him or in a bout of bad judgement, drive him over to CC’s to see Ashley. When Andy finally finished eating it was safe to start talking.

“I don’t want to lecture you,” Jake started.

Andy sniffled and pulled one of the little dogs into his lap for emotional support.

“You need to start thinking about Ash’s needs in this relationship. I’m not saying he’s the patron saint of decision making but he does go up and beyond for you. I get that he’s six years older than you, Andy. I really do understand that you’re younger and the things that bother you aren’t the same as the things that bother him. You know from experience that words hurt so why do you use your words against him? Andy, I wouldn’t trust Jinxx if he called me names or said mean things to me even if I deserved it. In your case, Ash loves you so much he forgives you because he’s scared he’ll lose you. You’re both so insecure it’s actually sad,” Jake said sympathetically.

Andy hugged Killer closer to his chest and let the words sink in. Jake’s assessment was fair and the voice in his head was finally silenced. The word insecure never crossed his mind until now.

Insecure, immature, and scared.

Three words that perfectly described how he felt even when he had everything he could want from life.

“I told him I hated him and that I didn’t want him to come home,” Andy whispered feeling his heart start to tighten in his chest and bile rise in his throat. Killer licked his face to comfort him.

Jake couldn’t imagine yelling that at someone though he knew what it was like having those words yelled at him by a very drunk ex. “He walked away after you said that because he loves you enough not to hurt you back,” Jake replied.

“Why am I such a terrible person?” Andy wailed.

The small dog wiggled its way from Andy’s grasp and both dogs retreated to their dog beds in the corner. Jake was petrified in fear. He didn’t know what to do. He only saw Jinxx cry once over musical frustration and a cramp he had in his wrist from playing violin. Usually with girls he would hug them or leave them alone in fear they would snap at him. Andy and Ashley were a territory that Jinxx and CC were familiar with. Jake felt safer being the person who got talked at and awkwardly avoided saying anything that could cause more problems. The only person he was good at communicating and comforting was Jinxx when he finally hit his breaking point and needed to unwind.

“I called him horrible names! I’ve done terrible things to him and he forgives me!”

Luckily, Jinxx didn’t cry when he hit his limit; he swore and complained that everyone treated him like a therapist. Jake would pull him into a hug and snuggle with him or he would make Jinxx sit in his lap and play video games until he calmed down. He wished he could make himself go over to Andy and hug him but that was Ashley’s job. When Andy curled up on the couch and started to hyperventilate and sob; Jake knew he needed Jinxx.

Like magic Jinxx arrived and Andy stopped crying. He hugged the younger man and tried to sort out his matted hair. His voice was soft and calm as he told him how Ashley was doing. Once all Andy’s questions were answered with the latest information he was quiet. Jinxx worked diligently to get the knots out of Andy’s hair and internally cursed about how patient Ashley had to be to do this task. A little yelp made him stop when he realized he pulled his friend’s hair.

“You need to go sit in the tub with conditioner in your hair,” Jinxx said as he started working at the tangled mess again.

Andy laughed at the comment. Fond memories flooded his vision and made him smile. Ashley would always tease him about his hair while he worked the conditioner through the matted mess. He managed to be gentle as he combed out the stubborn knots. When Andy made cocky comments, Ashley didn’t pull his hair though it would have been justified. Only one of them liked their hair pulled in the relationship.

“Things will get better between you two. You guys have an age gap and sometimes you both forget how to appreciate another. That doesn’t mean that you two don’t love each other,” Jinxx said. He knew Andy couldn’t see his face as they hugged but he was grinning from ear to ear. Jake however noticed and raised an eyebrow suspiciously.

The rest of the night was a blur.

Andy was face down on Ashley’s side of the bed with both dogs sleeping near him. His head hurt, and his stomach flipped every time he tried to move. How much did he drink? He couldn’t recall there being any alcohol in the apartment. The last time he saw some, Ashley was pouring it down the drain while holding a bag of frozen peas to his cheek. Andy groaned into the pillows as he tried to bury his face to hide from the light peeking in through the open curtains.

The noise made Tokyo and Killer wake up and start bouncing around the bed. Their excitement was born from years of routine. They knew when Ashley got up they were going for a walk. Andy grumbled and knew he would have get out of bed. There was no skipping walks or Ashley’s fur babies would destroy something out of vengeance. Usually it was something of their owners but other times they chose to chew something of Andy’s. They would nibble on shoes and leave little teeth marks in the leather. Ashley would grumble loudly when he found his shoes slightly gnawed upon. When it was Andy’s stuff he would have to scold them then replace whatever got ruined. Their taste for Andy’s stuff versus Ashley’s really showed.

Andy didn’t want them to chew any of his shoes today nor did he want them to chew any of Ashley’s just because he wasn’t home. He rolled onto his back and stared up at the ceiling as he tried to adjust his eyes to the brightness. He thought his retinas would burn it was that bright in the room. Two fluffy faces looked down at him in anticipations. “You two better not have pooped on the floor or chewed anything while I was asleep,” Andy warned as he tried to sit up.

The room was spinning out of control as he sat up. The uneasy feeling in his stomach started to crawl up his throat and give him a bitter taste in his mouth. Andy dry heaved and tried not to throw up. His memory started to slowly come back to him, Jake found vodka in the freezer. One shot become two and soon the bottle was gone. A whole bottle of Absolut that Ashley Fuckin’ Purdy hid in the freezer. He knew Andy wouldn’t look there because he never did any of the cooking. Cheeky and smart- two things he absolutely loved about Ashley.

“This is hell, I am in hell,” Andy mumbled to himself as he combed his fingers through his hair. He was surprised that he could run his fingers through it without them getting tangled on mattes or knots. At least something positive came out of last night.

As his memory restored itself, he cringed. Jake and he were the only ones drinking, Jinxx idly sat by and poured them more shots. They were playing a game with a lot of questions and when they got the answer wrong they took a shot. Andy remembered Jinxx was trying to talk Jake down about something he was fussing over. At the end of the night Jinxx helped Andy to bed and he whispered something to him. It was important, something he needed to remember for later.

Andy wracked his brain for an answer. What did Jinxx tell him last night? He emphasised that it was important. If it was so important why would he tell Andy while he was drunk? Texting Jinxx would result in a game of ‘riddle me this’ which would give him a worse headache than the one he already had. It must have been advice or about Ashley. Unless it was a threat to forget what he saw happen between Jinxx and Jake.

He quickly dispelled that it had anything to do with Jinxx and Jake’s mess of a friendship or relationship? Whatever they were calling that thing they were in. It wasn’t about the dogs, long as they got a walk, food, and attention they would be happy. Andy knew better than to contact CC to enquire about Ashley which left two possibilities. It was advice or a reminder to leave his boyfriend alone.

Still, something wasn’t boding well as he thought about it more.

The shrill sound of Mötley Crue cut through the silence. Andy clasp his hands over his ears and groaned. The pain radiating through his skull was a pulsating reminder he would never do vodka shots again. He could hear his offensive little Blackberry ringing from somewhere on the floor. Probably in the pocket of his pants he kicked off randomly before he went to sleep. At least when Ashley was there he would peel Andy’s pants off for him and fold them neatly. Jinxx stood by long enough to make sure he didn't fall on his face and got into bed before he retreated.

The ringing stopped, and silence evaded the room again.

“Oh, thank god,” Andy said withdrawing his hands from his ears. He closed his eyes and breathed in a few steady breaths to counteract the wave of nausea.  

I Was Made For Lovin’ You blared through the room next causing all of Andy’s senses to wake up.

_That’s Ashley’s ringtone!_

Andy could easily recall a few memories and reasons why he chose that ringtone for his boyfriend, but he pushed the thoughts aside. He needed to find his phone. Tokyo and Killer jumped off the bed excitedly as Andy fought with the duvet. He got to his feet to fast and almost fell back onto the bed his head was spinning that much. He squinted as he took an unsteady step forward aware he left his pants at the foot of the bed. He always left them there knowing that Ashley would curse at him when he tripped over them in the night.

As expected, there they were. A crumpled pile of black denim singing Kiss. Andy reached his long arm down and grabbed his pants. His hands forced their way into the tight pockets to extract the Blackberry. Ashley’s nickname flashed across the screen.

**Panda <3**

Andy pushed the call button and brought his shaking hand up to his ear.

“What the hell took you so long!” an annoyingly loud voice snipped at him.

His face contorted into a disappointed look. “Why are you calling from Ash’s phone?” Andy asked warily.

“You weren’t answering when I called. Figured you’d answer if it was Ashley calling,” CC said in his usual hyper manner.

Andy wanted to strangle CC. Maybe shove one of those Chupa Chups lollipops he loved so much down his throat for being insensitive. He had to remind himself that this phone call was from the person who was with Ashley. Andy was basically at CC’s mercy if he expected to go see him.

“So, Ashley and I might have got a little drunk last night. Promise me that you won’t freak out,” CC started.

There was an instant sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach much different from the vodka sloshing around or the nausea that was plaguing him. Andy felt all the air escape his lungs, before he could get a handle on his emotions he started crying.

The outburst made CC realize he worded his comment in a way that could mean many things to Andy. “Woah, Andy. We drank at home and he kind of maybe got hurt? That isn’t exactly the word but he’s asking for you,” CC said feeling guilty that he made Andy cry.

“What happened?” Andy asked with a little anger in his voice. He was hungover and very concerned about his boyfriend who he thought was safe with CC.

“He drank a lot of whiskey and fell off one of my kitchen stools. I swear he’s fine. He just scared himself and got a bit upset over it,” CC clarified.

Andy rolled his eyes.

CC sensed Andy’s silence was a bad sign. He was probably going to be murdered for not taking care of Ashley as he promised. “Ash asked for you the whole night and still is this morning. You need to come over,” CC said.

“I need to shower. I smell like a gin mill,” Andy said. He hit the end button before CC could say anything else.

Tokyo and Killer sat in the doorway waiting. He knew he was being unfair to them because he was planning to skip their walk. Their cute faces looked back at him and he understood why Ashley loved them so much. Their small dog smiles and constant bliss was adorable. He stepped past them and went into the bathroom.

He had three focuses - shower, eat, and get dressed. He permitted himself an hour to calm down and look decent. The whole time the dogs followed him as a constant reminder he was playing roulette with something of value. As he got dressed, he decided the safest outcome for their shoes would be to move them all into the bedroom and deal with the consequences of Ashley being annoyed later. His hair was still wet as he walked to the front door and grabbed an armful of shoes from their closet. It still amazed Andy that there was such a thing as closets with no doors.

It was mostly Ashley’s shoes though it was better safe than sorry in this situation. In two trips he had all their shoes thrown into his corner of the bedroom. Andy stood in front of the floor length mirror and looked over his outfit. He wore his favorite black skinny jeans, a black tank top which hardly covered the top half of his chest, and a plaid shirt. He was too tired to put on eyeliner or dry his hair and decided that was good enough. Long as he didn’t smell like alcohol after using that as his base argument against Ashley; he would be fine.

“I’ll go pick daddy up and he can take you for a walk,” Andy said to Tokyo and Killer who were sitting in the hall staring at him. He shuddered a little as he baby talked the dogs and referred to Ashley as daddy. He said weird things all the time. For some reason what he said weirded him out more than usual.

 Andy closed the bedroom door and laid out some pee pads in the hall. He knew Ashley would roll his gorgeous brown eyes when he came home to find shoes in the bedroom, pee pads in the hall, and the Absolut missing from the freezer. He walked around the apartment making sure it was presentable before grabbing his car keys and heading out the door. As he locked the apartment door he looked down to see little teeth marks on the toes of his new combat boots.

“You little shits,” he cursed. They foiled his plan!

He took the long walk down the seven flights of stairs to the parking garage. Ashley’s red Camaro was parked beside his sad excuse of a car. The little black Volkswagen Jetta had seen better days and Andy could argue until he was blue in the face that he needed a sports car. It was the mature, practical adult in Ashley that told him to save his money or he could buy the Durango. Andy didn’t want his boyfriend’s SUV, the only purpose it had was for travelling. It was parked in Jinxx’s garage most of the time unless they planned a road trip back home or Ashley wanted to go camping.

Andy focused, Ashley was waiting for him, and his dislike for his car wasn’t important.

Inside his car smelled clean and piney. It was devoid of its usual smell of cigarettes and vanilla air freshener. The cleanliness could only come from one person- his darling Ashley. He rejected to help clean the cars the other day, opting to use the excuse he was writing. Ashley didn’t fight him on the topic as he leaned over and kissed him on the forehead. He never made him cook, clean, or do anything he didn’t want to do. Ashley would give him that million-dollar smile and say he didn’t mind. Even the leather seats were clean and soft as he got into the driver seat. He knew he had a lengthy list of things he needed to thank his boyfriend for and another list of apologies he owed him.

Andy put the key in the ignition and turned the key. The car choked to life but turned back off. He was confused; they replaced the battery when they got home from tour. He turned the key again and the car responded only for its life to be snuffed out within seconds. Panic set in because he didn’t know anything about cars. He was in his own world when Ashley explained basic mechanics to him. He grunted out caveman like responses as he thought about what they would have for supper or if dogs gossiped to other dogs. Ashley was always trying to teach him stuff, so he wouldn’t end up stranded on the side of the road or be completely helpless as an adult.

He looked over to his left and saw the red Camaro shining like a beacon.

“He’ll kill me,” Andy said aloud. He didn’t know what was worse; talking to himself aloud or yelling at himself in his head.

Ashley didn’t let Andy drive the Camaro without being present. It wasn’t even the attachment to the car that made his boyfriend nervous, it was a lack of experience in driving standard. Andy wasn’t terrible at driving the car, he needed the security of Ashley telling him when to shift gears though. Those were the driving lessons that made Andy scream and cry in the driver's seat while his boyfriend reassured him that he was getting better. Ashley had the patience of a saint when it came to those driving lessons and didn’t lose his cool even when Andy almost rear ended another car.

He weighed his options.

He could call Jinxx and asked for a ride, get a taxi and pick up the Durango, or drive Ashley’s car. There was no hope in hell he could figure out what was wrong with his car by himself. For once he was truly annoyed that he didn’t listen to Ashley when he was explaining how to fix half the problems with the Jetta.

There was one logical choice - he was going to have to take the Camaro.

That decision meant running back up all the stairs. In the apartment he found the dogs laying in the empty hall closet. He laughed maniacally knowing they might have chew his new boots but there were no other shoes for them to destroy out of spite. A natural force led him to the living room where he found the keys sitting on the coffee table. He would have remembered them being on the table anyways since he was drunkenly playing with the Hello Kitty keychains on the keyring.

The run back down to the garage was when Andy realized he talked to CC an hour and half ago. He cursed under his breath as he got into Ashley’s car and prayed to whoever was listening that he would make it there in one piece. The list continued growing with new reasons for Ashley to be mad once he got home. Andy knew the only thing that would probably make his boyfriend freak out was him driving the car, the rest were minor offenses he would easily get away with.

He didn’t know what he was more scared of - driving the Camaro or going to see Ashley. His hands sweat as he gripped the steering wheel and turned the car on. There was no turning back now, whatever happened between their apartment and CC’s apartment would be his fault. As he reversed out of the parking spot he knew he was sealing his fate.

“I must have a horseshoe up my ass,” Andy remarked to himself as he pulled up in front of CC’s apartment building. Either he was extremely lucky or he actually learned to drive standard and Ashley wasn't lying to him to make him feel better. He was going to assume it was the latter.

Andy decided to have a quick smoke before he went into the building. He leaned against the car and enjoyed the brisk fall air nipping at his face and bare forearms. The nicotine sobered and calmed his nerves. He would bet money that Ashley didn’t intend to kiss him right away. They had a lot to talk about and no amount of kissing would make up for the mean things he said. In his pocket, his phone vibrated and he squinted up at the second floor windows to see CC waving at him like a lunatic. He expelled a cloud of smoke in irritation and decided he better get upstairs before CC started reporting to Ashley what he spied with his little eye.

He snubbed out the cigarette and walked over to the intercom. He punched in CC’s apartment number and the door buzzed letting him in. Andy was grateful that the elevator worked, and he didn’t have to climb the two flights of stairs. It was almost nerve wracking to see CC standing outside the door smiling at him.

“Thought you’d never get here,” he remarked when Andy stepped off the elevator.

Andy gave a nervous nod. “Me either. I had car trouble,” he replied.

CC moved aside and let him into the apartment.

The whole place smelled of bleach and Pine Sol. There was always something off putting about being in CC’s apartment. The sterile environment made it appear like no one lived here yet on tour he was messy.

“How are you?” a familiar voice asked.

Andy turned around to see a pair of electric blue eyes staring back at him. That familiar smile greeted him warmly. “I’ve had better hangovers. Why are you here?” Andy replied.

Jinxx leaned against the kitchen doorway casually. “I’m here to make sure your reunion with Ashley goes well,” he said.

“CC called you, didn’t he?” Andy asked.

A raised eyebrow warned Andy to fix his tone. “CC called me because he was worried about Ash. I’m a little worried myself,” Jinxx admitted sheepishly.

The drummer joined their conversation and his expression was hard to read.

“He drank a little and fell off a chair. What else is wrong?” Andy pushed.

CC and Jinxx looked at each other warily. The looks they exchanged made Andy more anxious.

“Guys this isn’t funny. Tell me what the hell happened because I can’t take much more of this,” Andy said shoving his hands into his damp hair as he nervously tried to comb his fingers through the forming waves.

Neither of his friends attempted to sooth his worries. They both stared at him with a sympathetic and scared look. Andy’s throat was starting to tighten from the anxiety that was building within him. CC lied to him or Jinxx did. Why were they standing there staring at him like that? It took all his self control to hold back the tears and not allow the voice in his head to start prattling on about all the worst-case scenarios.

A gentle hand wrapped around his upper arm and brought him back to reality. “Breathe,” Jinxx said giving him a weak smile.

“He’s in my room,” CC offered.

Andy’s shoes felt like they were weighed down with led as he forced himself to walk towards CC’s bedroom. He pulled away from Jinxx’s grasp and he was suddenly alone. He had to walk the short distance with only the supportive glances of his friends. His anxiety was getting worse and his vision started to blur at the corners of his eyes as he approached the door. His shaking hand reached for the door handle as he lightly turned the knob. Pushing the door open slowly and he slipped into the small space he created. As he closed the door he sensed the unsettling feeling within the room. He leaned against the door and stared at the bed where the person he loved most in the world stared back at him with big brown eyes. Tattooed arms beckoned him into a hug, but he stayed frozen against the door. His hand desperately reached back and fumbled for the doorknob as he tried to get out of the room. A wave of sheer panic overcame him, and he turned around to throw the door open and retreat. His swift movements to get out of the room sent him flying into the wall across from the bedroom door. Andy shook and pulled his knees up to his chin as he stared at the half open door.

Jinxx and CC were both surprised by the duck and roll routine Andy did to escape the bedroom. They both approached cautiously. Jinxx went into the bedroom while CC sat down next to Andy.

“What the hell did you do?” Andy accused bitterly.

CC sighed, “I didn’t do anything.”

Andy didn’t notice Jinxx was back in the hallway until he felt a pair of little hands grabbing at his hair.

“An,” the little voice chattered.

He couldn’t look over at Jinxx. This wasn’t real. There was no conceivable way for this to be real.

“An,” the voice repeated.

When there was no response a high-pitched cry erupted from Ashley causing Andy to look up. Something instinctual within him opened his arms and Jinxx handed the crying baby to him. He hugged Ashley close to his body and cooed sweetly to calm him down.

“Jinxx?” Andy choked out. He was terrified of the eleven-month-old in his arms, who wiggled and pulled at his hair.

For first time ever, Andy noticed that Jinxx didn’t seem to have an answer. He looked perplexed as he stared at Ashley. “I don’t have any answers. This is karma or fate and there is no way I can fix this,” Jinxx said.

Andy wanted to cry.

_You’re being a fucking baby. It’s like I’m taking care of a child. I’m a fucking parent to you._

“Oh god, I did this to you,” Andy muttered. He hugged Ashley close to his chest as he stretched out his legs. His muscles protested slightly, and he leaned comfortably against the wall. He gently placed Ashley in his lap and really looked at him.

He’d seen photos of Ashley as a baby, but this was different. A shrunken down version of his boyfriend stared back at him and his chubby tattooed fingers grabbed for anything he could reach. His black hair was a little shorter and Andy knew he could easily put it into pigtails if he wanted too. Even the shaved side of his head was encapsulated in his baby state. All his tattoos and piercings were accounted for too. Ashley’s baby fat made him adorable.

CC wasn’t going to tell Andy how much fun he had playing peek-a-boo with Ashley after getting over the initial shock of the situation. Even Jinxx had his moment of talking silly to the baby while teasing him with the car keys. They both sat quietly and let Andy process what happened. Neither of them expected him to take it so well. They both thought Andy was going to hit the ground running and go into hiding or have a nervous breakdown.

Andy’s mind raced as he processed that he was holding a baby, who was his boyfriend, and he somehow managed to piss off karma or fate. He felt a wide range of emotion as he gazed into his boyfriend’s eyes. He felt guilty and petulant, enamored, and scared.

Ashley pointed and smiled at him. “An,” he squeaked out excitedly.

“Ash,” Andy mimicked as he pointed to Ashley. A wave of happiness radiated through him when Ashley clapped his little hands together and gave him a toothy grin.

“I told you he was asking for you,” CC whispered.

Andy was distracted by Ashley’s cuteness and didn’t hear CC’s comment.

Ashley was pointing at him again and bouncing in excitement. “Ananananananana,” he babbled.

“Ashley baby,” Andy cooed back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I am back and I made sure to give you a good 7,103 words in compensation for the wait. I was busy rehearsing and recording piano parts for my new job! I hope everyone enjoys this chapter, it truly kept me going between sessions. 
> 
> Happy Reading <3
> 
> I changed Ashley's age from 8 to 11 months since I was playing with my nephew and I feel it'll fit better.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> -  
> Ashley is going through a range of things!  
> Also everything between these little dashes are Ashley's thoughts from within  
> -

The world was dark around the corners aside from the warm golden glow of the spot light that shone onto the red velvet couch. Ashley sat watching everything unfold from within.

He was aware that he was still within his body. He could see, hear, smell, and touch everything normally. He could control his limbs and form some words. Most of his vocabulary was limited to simple one-word remarks.

An- Andy

In- Jinxx

EE- CC

Ay- Jake

He knew he could scream and cry if he wanted something. He also knew that he had the ability to point as a means of communicating. He knew that Andy understood when he babbled ‘An’ at him and pointed to him. Thankfully, Andy managed to understand him. That moment of happiness was still there even if inside he was scared. He outwardly smiled and clapped his hands together since his boyfriend was finally there to comfort him but internally he was terrified.

Ashley had to put a lot of trust in Andy. There were a lot of things a baby needed to survive, and he wasn’t sure his boyfriend had the first clue what to do with a baby. Sure, Andy could easily entertain anyone because he was still somewhat a kid. He was busily cooing at Ashley and it made him happy until he realized this was only the start. He was at ease when CC was playing peek-a-boo with him or Jinxx jingled his car keys just a little out of reach. Those two were older, they’d been around smaller children before.

He was aware that he could be vengeful if he wanted to be. He could grab Andy’s long black hair and yank it as hard as he wanted. He might destroy a diaper and make his boyfriend clean it up. Throw food or unpack every cabinet and shelf in the apartment. Maybe scream and cry through the night so Andy lost sleep. He could be the spawn of Satan if he wanted to be and because he was hurt he wanted to act cruelly. The peaceful loving part of him figured out that whatever force that put him in this state (Jinxx suggested karma or fate) was testing him as well. He always chose to be the better person, and this was his one chance to really make Andy suffer if he wanted too.

Andy was pressing kisses to his forehead and cooing about how much he loved him.

His vengeful thoughts melted away because of the loving affection he was receiving. His only wish was for Andy to take care of him and protect him while he was this vulnerable. The niggling feeling of spite was trying to tempt him into acting out, but he rejected to stoop that low. He loved Andy too much to make his life hell, this trial was going to be hell enough for them both, and if he could help he would.

All that was left to do was accept that there were three things he would have to get over:

  1. He was wearing diapers and Andy would be changing them.
  2. He had to trust Andy not to drop, drown, or accidentally hurt him.
  3. He would probably be stuck as a baby until they both learned their lesson.



Ashley leaned back against the soft velvet couch and stared back at Andy.

“I trust you and love you so much,” he whispered. He heard it come out as a string of incoherent babbles. That wasn’t going to stop him from trying to find ways to form and say words.

“I’m right here, I can see and hear you. I’m with you luv.”

-

Andy was bouncing Ashley on his knee as he chatted casually to Jinxx and CC.

“He’s making that face again,” CC said as he scrunched up his eyebrows.

Everyone turned their attention to baby Ashley who had a rather serious look on his face. He seemed deep in thought and it was the third time he had that look on his face as he safely sat in Andy’s arms.

Jinxx snickered, “I am going to bet he’s making you a present, Andy.”

“Ewh!” CC shrieked in disgust.

Andy watched Ashley’s expression. He sensed whatever was going on in Ashley’s head, he was making rational decisions. He could almost see the gears working away in that focused state. “It’s okay, panda,” Andy cooed.

“Do you actually think he’s in there?” CC asked. He himself wondered if Ashley was aware of everything as they played peek-a-boo. He knew his best friend wouldn’t tolerate that full grown.

Everyone watched as Ashley’s look continued to seem perplexed and Andy stopped bouncing him.

“I do think he’s in there and aware,” Andy said.

Jinxx pulled his phone out of his pocket and texted Jake. “We’re going to need diapers and something for him to wear so we can go shopping,” he said to Andy.

“Did you make poopy?” Andy teased as he tickled Ashley’s sides.

An ear shatter scream came from Ashley and he was crying. His little hands weakly pushed Andy’s hands away. Tears poured down his cheeks and he tried to wiggle out of the Andy’s grip.

Jinxx texted Jake and told him a soother was also essential.

Andy pulled Ashley close to his chest and stood up. He started to slowly pace the hallway as he hummed and rubbed his boyfriend’s back. Ashley’s hands were tightly grasped into fists as he continued to cry as loud as he could. “Ssh, it’s okay. Don’t panic, I’m here. I am right here. I love you so much. It’s okay, Ashley,” Andy said softly as he started to find a natural rhythm in his body to bounce his knees.

-

“You have some fucking nerve,” Ashley screamed loudly as he curled up on the velvet couch and cried.

Andy was humming Can’t Help Falling In Love and rubbing his back which felt nice. It really did but it didn’t sooth the embarrassing feeling of what he was reduced to.

“I don’t want to be here anymore! FIX THIS! I want to be normal again. HELP ME!!”

He felt the natural rhythm in the way Andy moved and it caused him to sit up on the couch. Whatever he was doing made him stop crying. There was a tranquil feeling all around him and he was starting to calm down. Then he heard something when Andy stopped singing. It was a loud thumping sound that Ashley recognized, his boyfriend’s heartbeat.

-

“Holy shit,” CC said standing up and retreating into the kitchen to leave Andy alone with Ashley.

Jinxx was now standing up, helplessly watching as Ashley’s tattooed arms wrapped around Andy’s neck. He didn’t have any advice or words of wisdom. He decided to follow CC’s example and leave them alone. He kept sending Jake texts telling him to hurry up.

Andy was relieved that Ashley stopped screaming. He thought his heart was going to shatter into a thousand pieces when he saw how upset his boyfriend was. He didn’t like seeing Ashley melt down like that and he could only guess how hard this was for him to accept. The arms wrapped around his neck were more relaxed now and he looked down awkwardly to see Ashley had his ear against his bare chest. Andy kept lightly bouncing his knees as he paced the hall.

Even when CC popped his head around the corner and asked if he wanted coffee he declined. If pacing was the only thing that would keep Ashley calm until Jake got to there, he would keep moving. He tried to remember the last time he was around a baby. One of his boyfriend’s friends had one but he made Ashley hold the baby and he sat beside him. That was a year ago. Maybe longer? They rarely had people over to their apartment, they tended to go out because the old lady across the hall claimed she could hear every little thing that went on in their place.

Andy’s arms were starting to hurt, he assumed it was from how tense he was over holding Ashley. He was scared if he relaxed to much he was going to either drop him or cause him to cry again. His knees started to protest over the movement after half an hour. He wasn’t used to such simple physical exertion.

The intercom clicked in and Andy was relieved.

“Open the door dickhead!” Jake said sarcastically.

CC made a snide comment before hitting the door button.

Jake made his usual presence known with complaining. He was extremely hungover and Jinxx making him go to Target with a list of ridiculous stuff had him in a mood. “Diapers, baby wipes, soothers, and one baby outfit. Happy? Can I go home now?” Jake said directly to Jinxx who glared back at him.

“You can teach us how to change a diaper then I’ll be happy,” he countered. He sipped at his coffee and wasn’t interested in Jake’s mood. Their screaming match in the car as they left Andy’s place was fresh in Jinxx’s memory and he planned to be abrasive as a punishment.

Andy stopped moving and Ashley didn’t make a peep.

“It’s pretty fucking simple,” Jake said.

CC was now glaring incredulously at the guitarist. “Do you need some coffee before we let you near the baby?” he asked.

“Who gave you a baby?”

Jinxx rolled his blue eyes and wished he was at home. He would have poured his coffee over Jake’s head for being such a brat. “Andy pissed off karma or fate and Ashley got turned into a baby,” he said nonchalantly like it was an everyday occurrence.

Andy found himself tensing up. Jake was going to be judgemental. His tension caused Ashley to stir and he was screaming his head off again.

Jake whipped around and finally took notice of Andy standing in the hallway with a baby in his arms, that had distinct characteristics of Ashley. “You’re too tense,” he said as he walked over to Andy and plucked Ashley from his arms.

Ashley kept crying and reached for Andy.

“Sh, I see the moon and the moon sees me, and the moon sees the one that I want to see,” Jake said calmly. His body was relaxed, and he rocked Ashley back and forth slowly. “So, God bless the moon and God bless me, and God bless the one that I want to see.”

There was sudden silence.

Andy was in awe of Jake’s ability to quiet the fussy baby.

Jinxx had a warm fuzzy feeling growing within him as he watched Jake with baby Ashley.

“You need to relax your limbs. The minute you tense up he senses it,” Jake smiled. He walked back over to Andy and handed Ashley to him.

Little hands desperately grabbed for Andy and the baby was happily back to the person he liked most. Andy relaxed his arms and body as Jake said and he noticed how much better he felt.

Jake gave him a nod of encouragement. “The soother needs to be boiled for five minutes,” he said more to Jinxx and CC. He went over to the bag of supplies and started to unpack everything. He handed one of the soothers up to Jinxx and grabbed the small bag of diapers and baby wipes. “CC, I need a towel,” Jake added as he pulled out the outfit he bought.

The drummer exited the kitchen and went to the hall closet to get a towel.

“Ready to learn how to change that little stinker?” Jake teased as he held up a diaper.

Andy nervously agreed. He waited for CC to return with the towel and he followed Jake into the living room to learn. They talked through all the steps of changing a diaper and Jake got Ashley laying down on the towel. That’s when the stubborn side of the baby came out and he wasn’t letting Jake touch him. Ashley’s little hands forcefully pushed Jake’s hands away and he started to screech in protest.

“Ash, don’t be a brat,” Jake said softly as he tried again to get the black skinny jeans off the fussing baby. He wiggled and screaming angrily.

Ashley’s lip quivered, and his eyes started to well up with tears again. Andy braced himself when the ear shattering screams started up and tattooed arms waved angrily. This was pure anger most likely directed at Jake and he knew it was either him or no one. “Oh, what a fuss you’re making my lil’ panda bear,” Andy cooed softly.

“He can scream,” Jake commented. He moved away from his spot on the floor and let Andy take over.

Andy gently took hold of Ashley’s little hands and held them. His thumbs massaged the small palms as he talked softly to him. “Uncle Jake is going to leave, and I am going to change that diaper. I’m going to make it all better, Ashley baby,” Andy said reassuringly.

Jake took the hint and left the room. He joined the others in the kitchen and got himself a cup of coffee.

“Ash, I know you’re in there and you can hear me. I know this is traumatic for you. I promise I am not judging you, whatever happens while you’re a baby stays between us. I know these meltdowns were you getting used to things and I’m probably going to have another one myself because I’m terrified to do this,” Andy said softly.

His words seemed to sooth Ashley’s anger and he stopped trying to move so much. There was no fight left in his limbs as he allowed Andy to pull off his black skinny jeans. This was Andy’s moment to feel nervous as he felt Ashley’s brown eyes watching him closely. He needed a distraction. Something to keep his mind off Ashley staring him down and the fact that he was going to change his first diaper.

“Twinkle twinkle little bat! How I wonder what you’re at! Up above the world you fly, like a tea tray in the sky. Twinkle twinkle little bat! How I wonder what you’re at!”

There was a tiny giggle and Ashley clapped his hands together.

Andy was internally freaking out but kept working. “How about another Ashes. A panda bear as big as a bus, once caused an inordinate fuss. When he ate up a herd of cows dipped in curd, the sheep screamed for a week ‘next is us’. Done!” Andy said nervously.

Ashley was smiling and clapping his hands together still.

“You’re going to be the death of me,” Andy warned as the wiped his hands clean with a baby wipe then picked Ashley back up.

A slobbery kiss to his cheek was enough to know Ashley was finally happy.

CC was in the living room instantly with a plastic bag and a bottle of his spray bleach. “Out! Go into the kitchen or somewhere else!” the germaphobe ranted.

“EE!” Ashley said and waved goodbye.

“Awh, uncle CC is freaking out. Maybe you can share one of your soothers with him,” Andy said snuggling Ashley close to his chest. He loved the tiny hands that gripped onto his shirt and the babbling which was obviously a response.

Jake and Jinxx greeted them when they walked into the kitchen.

Ashley pointed to Jake. “Ay!”

“That is seriously the cutest thing ever,” Jinxx remarked. He looked at Jake who was beaming.

Andy adjust Ashley on his hip, so he could see everyone in the kitchen. “What about uncle Jinxx?” he asked pointing to their blue-eyed friend.

“In!”

The room collectively awed over Ashley’s ability to be over the top adorable. He kept pointing at things and making Andy say the words for him. He kept that up until Jake shoved the soother in his mouth declaring him a chatterbox.

-

“Chatterbox my ass,” Ashley grumbled as he glared at Jake.

He wanted to get Andy used to talking and taking hints. If he found an answer to reverse this curse, he needed to be able to tell his boyfriend in a series of short words and pointing. They were headed to Target, maybe he could convince Andy he needed blocks. There had to be loopholes to this whole trial.

He hated to admit how much he enjoyed his soother. It helped him think of ways to help Andy and he found himself nodding off as he schemed.

-

Dressing a sleeping baby was an easier task than trying to peel skinny legged jeans off chubby little legs. Andy insisted he could dress Ashley and thanked Jake for offering his assistance. The long sleeved gray onesie and black pants fit Ashley perfectly. His fingers were curled up into fists and he was busily sucking on his soother as he slept.

Jinxx hinted that it was the perfect time to go shopping since Ashley was sleeping. Jake offered to watch the baby but Andy declined. He wasn’t comfortable leaving his boyfriend alone and decided to risk taking him shopping.

The first stop was the baby consignment store.

Jake helped compile of list of things Andy would need and they decided to start there.

The woman working in the store was not friendly as she looked at Andy carrying the sleeping baby. She kept asking a series of questions to the point that Jinxx was becoming agitated. She insisted Andy didn’t want a wrap carrier, that he would probably like a baby carrier more. She continued her crusade to deter them from most of the stuff they looked at.

“I want a car seat, a wrap carrier, bimbo-I mean bumbo chair, and some shoes,” Andy told her for the thousandth time. He was starting to lose patience with this place and was willing to pay full price at Target if it meant not being scrutinized for his age.

It was Jinxx who finally asserted his dominance. “Look, we don’t need anything fancy. This is temporary until our friend gets back,” he said bluntly.

She finally backed off and let them buy what was on their list. Andy was relieved as he picked out a few pairs of shoes. He couldn’t resist the little high tops he found and planned to put them on Ashley the moment they got into the car. Once they paid they were free from the judgemental woman and Jinxx spent fifteen minutes swearing as he installed the car seat into his car.

“This is going to be a bitch to install in the Camaro when we get back,” Jinxx remarked.

The car seat soon became the least of their problems. The next roadblock was figuring out the wrap carrier as they stood in the parking lot of Target. Jinxx was reading and following the diagrams as Andy followed instructions.

“I don’t trust this,” Andy said when he finally got the wrap correctly woven around his thin body.

There was no going back because Jinxx was lifting the sleeping baby from the car seat and handing him over to Andy. “You’re going to be fine. All you need to do is pull aside the fabric on your left side and slide him in. Making sure his legs are hanging down straight and he's secure against your chest. Once you’ve done that grab that chunk of bottom fabric and pull it up to secure over his bum and back. You’ve got it, now that you did that you can let go or we can try one of the other five ways to wear,” Jinxx said as he held out the pamphlet.

“Quit making Ash sound like a scarf,” Andy retorted. His hands nervously shook as they pulled away from the carrier. He kept them close in fear, he hoped he would have fast enough reflexes if this went wrong. A sigh of relief escaped him when he realized Ashley was safely secured to him. Nothing bad happened, he was still asleep and sucking on his soother.

Jinxx smiled and said, “See you’re fine.”

Andy might have been fine, his wallet on the other hand was not.

The cart was starting to fill up quickly with clothes, socks, blankets, diapers, and other essential items a baby needed. Andy found it hard to leave the clothing aisle until he found everything with stars on it. To humor himself he bought a Batman and a Hello Kitty onesie. He even had a little leather jacket and two pairs of skinny legged jeans picked out. He knew if it was Ashley doing the shopping he would make Andy fashionable.

“I’m amazed he’s still asleep,” Jinxx commented as they walked into the toy aisle next.

Andy was starting to enjoy this hands-free experience as Jinxx pushed the cart. “Having three meltdowns in the span of an hour would make me tired too,” he said.

“I don’t know how many toys you’ll need. You have that squeaky giraffe isn’t that enough?”

Andy knew which aisle he was looking for in the toys. He needed to give Ashley something as a peace offering. All around him was a sea of pink as he walked into the girls’ toys. He sought out the collection of Hello Kitty items and looked at all the stuffed animals. He picked out a classic Hello Kitty stuffie from the shelf and handed it over to Jinxx. “All I need now is a panda,” he said.

Jinxx was convinced most of the grocery shopping could be limited to easy finger foods for Ashley’s small hands. He was aware of Andy’s lack of cooking skills since it was one of the few things Ashley complained about. There was no need for excessive amounts of baby food kicking around.

“He’s not going to eat avocado,” Andy said as Jinxx bagged one and tossed it into the cart. He was aimlessly wandering around the produce section of the store. He picked out the odd fruit that would be easy to feed Ashley.

“Since when? He likes guacamole,” Jinxx said ignoring Andy’s comment.

Andy scrunched up his face as he put the fruit into the cart and covered Ashley’s ears with his hands. “He tolerates it. That doesn’t mean he likes it,” Andy said softly.

That made Jinxx laugh but he left the avocado in the cart. He convinced Andy it would come in handy and he had a recipe for a snack Ashley might like.

At the checkout Andy wished he charged everything to Ashley’s credit card. It was turning into an expensive day and he dreaded hearing the total. It was always easy for them to spend too much money when shopping at Target. The girl at the checkout kept staring at him and he prayed she wouldn’t recognize him. They’d managed to go unnoticed in public for two hours. She didn’t say anything or seem to pleased about bagging all the stuff. Andy secretly hoped all her staring as she scanned things through awarded him at least one free item.

Jinxx spent another five minutes cursing as he packed his car with everything they bought while Andy carefully got Ashley out of the wrap and back into his car seat. He rubbed the finger against his chubby cheek.

“I love you so much,” Andy whispered.

The whole drive back to CC’s was uneventful and Ashley was still asleep. Jinxx and Andy sat in the car casually chatting, both procrastinating on how much work it was going to be to unpack the car. It was decided that Andy would drive the Camaro back and Jake would join their car parade. CC’s cleaning anxiety kicked in and he was too busy bleaching his apartment to ‘play house’ with the others.

Andy was having separation anxiety over Ashley being in Jinxx’s car. He didn’t like the distance even if he was right behind them. He tried to listen to the country music playing over the stereo and focus on driving. He couldn’t imagine how bad Ashley would scream and cry if the Camaro got wrecked.  That would be one to many things happening in a day. He could hardly control himself when he got the car parked and he ran out to the street parking to meet Jinxx and Jake. Andy was anxiously pulling Ashley from the car seat and holding him, all the while Jake and Jinxx laughed at him.

“Someone’s overprotective,” Jake said lightly.

The joking stopped when Jake and Jinxx had to carry everything upstairs. The living room was now a mess of bags and baby stuff. Jake went back downstairs to install the car seat and see what was wrong with Andy’s car. Jinxx was busily unpacking and removing tags off everything.

Tokyo and Killer were standing on their hind legs dancing around Andy’s legs. They made impatient sounds begging to see what was nestled in their owner’s arms. Ashley was waking up and wrapped his tattooed hand around Andy’s finger. Andy wasn’t in a rush to show the dogs the baby. He figured half the excitement was going to cause them to be hyper and start running around.

“Do you have a clothes basket?” Jinxx asked as he folded more of the onesies. His plan was simple confine all the clothes to a basket, food and bottles were in the kitchen, diapers and changing supplies in the bathroom. Whatever was left over Andy could decide where he wanted to put it.

Jake returned looking rather pleased with himself a few minutes later. “There is nothing wrong with your car. It started, I took it around the block, then installed the car seat. No more excuses to drive Ashley’s car,” he teased.

Andy grumbled to himself and he could feel Ashley’s brown eyes glaring at him. His thin eyebrows were furrowed as he glared.

-

Ashley wasn’t sure if he heard that correctly.

Jake said there were no more excuses for driving his car.

Andy knew he wasn’t allowed to drive the Camaro.

He glared at Andy and waited to see how guilty he looked. His boyfriend couldn’t keep eye contact if he did something stupid. Ashley knew he could display that stern look he got when he was about to launch into a ‘responsible adult’ speech.

Andy gave him a weak smile and his blue eyes pleaded with Ashley not to lose his shit.

“You took me car! WHAT THE HELL!” Ashley screamed. He nearly fell off the couch in shock that Andy would break one of his rules (well one of the few that truly mattered).

It came out muffled and he had to force his mouth to spit the soother out. The damn thing was making him too calm.

“NO! BAD ANDY!!”

-

“O! AD AN!” baby Ashley screeched as he looked grumpily at Andy.

Jake picked up the soother and shoved it back into Ashley’s mouth. “Oh, hush up. Your beloved car is fine. Honestly, you should be more worried that we’re leaving you alone with Andy soon,” Jake said.

Andy was shocked that he understood what Ashley was trying to say and annoyed that Jake was insinuating that he was going to be bad at taking care of a baby.

For the remainder of Jinxx and Jake’s stay Ashley was scowling and didn’t want anyone to bug him. He sat on his gray star blanket on the couch while the dogs tried to process why this small person smelled and kind of looked like their owner. They let Ashley pet them and were pleased with the attention while Andy cleaned up the pee pads in the hallway.

“You better boil that other soother. The way Ash is chewing and sucking on his right now, its bound to break,” Jake said.

Jinxx was starting to feel bad about leaving Andy alone. “I made a pillow crib on Ash’s side of the bed,” Jinxx said sweetly.

“Yah thanks,” Andy said glumly.

“Andy, I’m a phone call away. I uh, have all of Ash’s stuff he left at CC’s,” Jinxx said handing over a bag. “As for Ashley, try to understand that this is scary for him. He didn’t expect to wake up today as a baby and be at your mercy to survive. He’ll forgive you for taking the car, explain what happened. He’s always been understanding.”

Jinxx was right and Andy thanked him. Then he was alone.

Andy approached the couch with caution only to find Ashley laying across the couch cushion cuddling with Tokyo and Killer. There were tear marks down his cheeks as he vigorously sucked on his soother. “Ashes?” Andy said softly as he sat on the hardwood floor in front of the couch.

The question made Ashley roll over and look at him. His black hair was messily in his face. His big brown eyes were full of sadness as he spit his soother out. “An,” he said reaching his arms out.

“Baby,” Andy cooed as he scooped Ashley up. He cradled his boyfriend in his arms, so he could look at him. He was falling in love with the way Ashley looked at him and it made him long to have him full grown again. Andy loved when his boyfriend would lay his head in his lap and talk about art or lyrics he wrote.

Andy was starting to miss Ashley’s adult presence. The way he talked to the dogs or walked by the couch and pecked Andy on the cheek. He always made a pot of coffee in the morning and another in the afternoon knowing Andy would drink it. Ashley had a certain way of emerging from the bedroom in the early evening in his pajamas and his glasses nestled on his nose. The seductive sway of his hips and the way he crawled onto the bed or couch made Andy feel hot and bothered. He loved catching Ashley deep in concentration as he played guitar or drew, he was always focused as he worked. Andy even started to miss the little reminders that he needed to be an adult and all Ashley’s attempts to teach him things.

-

Ashley sat forward on the couch and rest his chin in his hands.

At least he could see clearly. He was enjoying a day spent without contacts or glasses. He wasn’t enjoying the grumbling feeling in his stomach or his bangs hanging in his eyes.

He forced his chubby hands to try sweeping the hair out of his face. He made an irritated sound and Andy was quick to push his bangs away from his eyes. Ashley next started to touch his hand to his mouth as a hint he was hungry. The gestures were awkward though. He was starting to really miss the ability to speak. His limitations with words meant he had to be creative and he was thankful that Andy was smart. Even while he was snuggled in Andy’s arms he missed him.

It was lonely inside without Andy and his constant complaining.

Being alone was Ashley’s deepest darkest fear.

-

Andy’s face hurt from smiling as he handed Cheerios to Ashley.

The chubby hands were starting to get more coordinated as he shoved the proffered food into his mouth. Ashley’s bangs were tied up in a tiny ponytail and his gold hoop earrings removed for safety reasons. He was thrilled to show off that he could pick up his sippy cup by himself and he laughed to celebrate his accomplishment.

“Ash, you are too cute for words,” Andy said.

Tokyo and Killer were begging at the side of the kitchen table in hopes they would get some of the food. Ashley sat in the bumbo seat on the kitchen table. The clip-on tray was littered in Cheerios and noodles. His sippy cup was quickly abandoned to offer Andy a bow tie noodle. His insistent chatter as he offered the noodle made Andy melt. They continued this simple game of exchanging cereal, noodles, raisins, and cubed cheese. They weren’t the kind of couple to feed each other but Andy was loving every minute of this.

-

“If I’m hungry you are too,” Ashley said as he pulled his knees up under his chin.

The way Andy smiled and took the noodle made his heart skip a beat.

“I’m falling in love with you even more and I forgive you.”

Andy offered him a cube of cheese and it brought back memories of first meeting. Nights spent in Ashley’s apartment as they passed cartons of Chinese food back and forth while they wrote lyrics. He longed for Andy to wrap his arm around his shoulders and pull him in for a kiss. He wanted to be held close as he cried because he was sad. The feeling of love and admiration for Andy overwhelmed him. He was so alone here.

Ashley wiped the tears away from his eyes with the back of his hand. “I miss you, Andy,” he sniffled.

-

Andy knew the look Ashley had on his face. It was a familiar look of sadness Ashley got when he was in his head to long or he was hurting. He watched his lips move but no sound came from them. A pair of brown eyes were looking at him and the raisin in his hand was dropped. Long forgotten as Ashley continued to look sad.

He carefully got Ashley out of the baby seat and hugged him close. “I miss you, Ashes. I know you’re here in my arms, I just miss my fully-grown baby. I’m sorry for everything I did. Screaming at you, calling you a disappointment, bringing up your parents, and I- I feel,” Andy’s words were caught in his throat. He was choked up by the feeling of Ashley hugging him and his unsteady breathing against his chest. The baby in his arms was in silent tears and he couldn’t hold back his own tears. The flood gates lifted, and everything hit him full force.

“I feel terrible for saying all those mean things to you,” Andy sobbed.

Ashley shifted in his arms and his hands covered Andy’s mouth.

“I don’t deserve your love,” he said around the hands on his lips.

The small tattooed hands pushed harder to silence him.

It was hard for Andy to look up and see Ashley looking back at him with all the love in the world. The look of forgiveness clear in his eyes.

-

Ashley was pacing under the golden glow of the spot light.

“Don’t you dare do this to me! You deserve my love like I deserve yours. I’m going to make you shut up before you say something ridiculous.”

He shoved his hands against Andy’s lips to make him be quiet.

“Shut up and see that I forgive you,” he whispered more to himself than Andy.

His fingers were carded in his hair as he paced. It took all his abilities to will himself not to babble at Andy. It would be pointless either way. He needed to communicate forgiveness in a physical way not with limited sounds.

He stopped pacing and saw Andy was still crying.

“You need keep it together Andy and I’ll do a better job of minding myself,” Ashley said as he sat back down on the velvet couch. “We are in this together and I am here for you. I love you, sweetheart.”

Ashley knew it was odd when he moved his hands and he pressed a slobbery kiss to Andy’s lips. There was nothing romantic about it, it was the only gesture he could think of to prove to his boyfriend it was okay.

-

Andy pecked a little kiss back.

He tried to get Ashley to eat more only to be met with resistance. He remembered how explosive the diaper changing incident was with Jake and decided not to piss the baby off. Ashley kept pointing at the dogs and Andy decided a walk sounded like a great idea.

Ashley was screeching in delight when Andy showed him the tiny leather jacket.

Andy laughed as he laid baby Ashley down and started to undress him. He was excited to play dress up with his boyfriend. He had a black ‘I crawled the line’ onesie with the white long sleeves, blue skinny jeans, high tops, and leather jacket picked out.

“Do I need to change you before we leave?” Andy asked as he started to undress Ashley.

Ashley nattered back at him in a tone that sounded like no as he waved his arms.

Andy hummed lightly to him as he got him dressed. He was pleased with himself as he admired his boyfriend’s outfit. He could tell Ashley was pleased too as he rolled onto his side and managed to sit up. Andy was impressed with his moment of independence. “Good job, baby,” Andy applauded.

Ashley was beaming and quite proud of himself. He was holding his sippy cup, sitting up, and finding ways to communicate. He was happy to take Andy’s praise and he clapped his hands together.

“I’m going to grab some stuff from the bathroom. I’ll be right back,” Andy said nervously. He didn’t know how he felt about leaving Ashley sitting alone on his side of the bed. He made his trip quick to grab a few diapers, the changing pad, and the baby wipes. Jake was right, he was overprotective. Ashley was small and he feared something could happen. Even full grown he was scared something would happen to Ashley. He didn’t fight the drunks who called him ‘pretty boy’ and shoved him. Ashley radiated confidence; he was going to paint his nails and wear make up, he loved to do his hair, and he put a lot of effort into his clothes. He didn’t give those drunk people the pleasure of winning, he was happy being himself. Andy on the other hand didn’t have a problem coming to his defense and neither did CC.

He rushed back to find Ashley watching the doorway. He was only nineteen pounds of human now and he still managed to make Andy’s heart stop when he waved. Ashley babbled his name on repeat over the return. Andy packed the items into his ratty black backpack and decided to finally free himself of the wrap carrier still tied around his body. He wanted to carry Ashley in his arms and tossed it into the backpack if he changed his mind. He knew he was probably over prepared when he packed a blanket and an outfit. A Tupperware container of Cheerios and a bottle full of water also got packed.

Overprotective, overprepared, and overpacked.

“Uh!” Ashley said lifting his arms up.

Such a simple hint made Andy sling his backpack over his shoulder and pick Ashley up. He still needed to get Tokyo and Killer ready to go and the last time he saw the soother it was in the living room. “Hello! Hi, I love you did you know that? I absolutely love every bit of you. I could eat you up I love you so much,” Andy playfully said as they ventured into the living room.

Ashley was laughing and grabbing Andy’s hair. He waved the handfuls of hair as he went back to babbling a mile a minute.

“Oh, really? Why thank you. I know I have the best hair between us,” Andy teased.

A sharp yank of his hair made Andy curse and he glared at Ashley who was trying to look innocent. He giggled and released the hair wrapped around his fingers. “Oo e,” he said trying to ham it up with how cute he looked.

“I’m going to tickle you until you pee your pants,” Andy lightly threatened. He took joy in seeing Ashley’s smile melt away in shock. “Thing is I’m going to strike when you least expect it. I know your weakness Ashley Purdy.”

-

Ashley was holding his sides as he tried not to burst out laughing. His chest was starting to hurt as he tried to keep it contained.

“Jokes on you Andy, if I pee my pants you get to change my diaper,” he rasped out.

-

The sudden outburst of screeching laugher made Ashley grin and show his teeth.

“What big teeth you have. Do you love me so much you could eat me up?”

Ashley had a worn-out copy of Where The Wild Things Are in the bookcase of their office. Andy knew it was there because of the message written inside the cover. The beautiful loopy handwriting that said, ‘love mom and dad’ was part of the message. He had seen Ashley reading the inside cover on a few occasions and he left his boyfriend alone. Andy let Ashley come to him when he wanted to talk about that sensitive topic. He wondered if he was doing his boyfriend a disservice by quoting that book.

Andy made kissy lips at Ashley to distract him and in return he got a slobbery kiss back. The little being in his arms was eating up any affection he was given. Ashley full grown loved when Andy was affectionate and was quick to dish out the sweetness in return. He was bossy when he wanted something specific sexually but generally he was happy about being kissed and cuddled.

In the living room Andy found the soother and gave it to Ashley. He showed off what he had in his hand and was happy to inspect the item he was holding. Andy knew it was a sneaky move to put Ashley down on the floor with the dogs and go for a smoke on the porch. There was a confused look on the baby’s face as he put the dogs’ harnesses on and walked away from them.

“An?” Ashley’s inflection in his voice was questioning.

Andy instantly felt guilty for wanting to smoke before they left. He needed to, or he was bound to be cranky. He couldn’t bring himself to smoke with Ashley in his arms. He forced his boyfriend to endure his second-hand smoke and people in public wouldn’t tolerate him smoking while holding a baby. “I’m going to have a quick smoke. You’re okay, you can see me through the glass,” Andy said trying to justify his actions.

Ashley looked unimpressed and shoved his soother in his mouth.

“Don’t be like that,” Andy hummed. “Once this pack is done I promise I’ll quit.”

He walked out onto the porch and shut the sliding glass door behind him to keep the smoke out of the apartment. He could feel Ashley’s eyes piercing into his back as he tried his best to get the pack of cigarettes form his tight pockets. He was fumbling from the sheer fear of annoying his boyfriend.

-

Ashley was thoroughly pleased with his ability to glare so effectively in baby form. He was enjoying Andy’s swearing as the lighter flickered in and out as a cruel joke.

“I’m not going to forget that you promised me that,” Ashley mumbled.

He hated that Andy was now pacing around the porch, it made it harder for Ashley to effectively glare and make him uncomfortable. He figured Andy was worried about smoking around him because he was a baby. Rightfully so, he had a responsibility and should be watching the baby not smoking. When Andy ducked out of sight Ashley started to panic.

His lip quivered because he was scared. “Andy! Don’t leave me here. I don’t want to be alone!” he panicked as he forced his infant body to move.

Ashley felt the crippling anxiety setting in that he was going to be alone and his hands grabbed the edge of the coffee table. He pulled himself up and forced his legs to stand.

“I can sit up, crawl, and roll over. I know I can stand. I have to do this,” Ashley told himself.

He was unsteady, this was an unfamiliar movement he had yet to try and he teetered a bit forward and back. He spit the soother out and screamed for Andy. His hands death gripped the edge of the coffee table in fear.

“ANDY! Holy shit this is was either my best or worst idea. ANDY! ANDY!”

-

Frantic screams had Andy stomping out his cigarette and rushing back into the living room. He didn’t know what to expect when he returned. All his brain could provide him was terrible scenarios like Ashley hit his head or he fell over and scared himself. In his attempt to hurry he almost ran face first into the glass sliding door and he was swearing up a storm as he stepped back into the apartment.

“I’m coming baby, I’m he- Ashley!” Andy yelled. He was shocked by the sight in front of him and he noticed how startled Ashley was as he stared back like a deer in headlights. Andy crouched down carefully and extended his hand. He was impressed and scared all at once by Ashley’s growing strength. “You look a little scared,” Andy commented.

Ashley was looking at the hand that was being offered and he seemed unsure about letting go of the coffee table.

“You’ve got this Ashes. I won’t let you fall okay? Take my hand,” Andy said lightly as he tried to coax Ashley into letting go.

The look on Ashley’s face was a combination of his scared look (the one he got when he found a spider or was confronted with heights) and his skeptical look (which he got when Andy declared he was fine after falling off the stage or Andy promised not to drop him when giving him a piggyback ride).

Andy looked at him lovingly and inched a bit closer. “Ashley,” he said in a singsong voice.

“Uh,” Ashley said back.

The little hands were still death gripping the table and made no effort to budge.

“Ashley baby,” Andy said. When Ashley was annoyed he would use this method of saying his name and pet names until he looked at him or smiled. Usually he would trail kisses up Ashley’s body or touch him affectionately to soften his expression. He loved when Ashley would shuffle away from him and Andy could inch closer to wrap his arms around him. This game made CC and Jake cringe when they were on tour.

Andy inched closer again so there was only a tiny amount of space between them. Ashley watched him closely and loosened his grip a bit on the table.

“An!”

“I’m here,” Andy said reassuringly.

Ashley’s left hand slowly pulled away from the table and grabbed frantically at the hand offered to him. His legs were unsteady, but Andy made sure to grasp his hand and he beamed at him.

“See, I am here. I always am.”

-

Ashley’s fear melted away and he flopped back against the velvet couch. His heart the beating hard in his chest and his cheeks were burning from blushing.

He was swooning over this moment between them.

Andy was immature most of the time thought he was stable. He did care and put an effort into their relationship. They had their disputes like any couple. He tried his best and that was all Ashley could ask for.

“I am too,” Ashley whispered as he made his other hand let go of the coffee table.

-

Andy never really noticed how small Ashley’s hands were in his one hand. He marvelled in how precious they looked, and he was proud that both those chubby hands were clinging to his hand now.

Pure trust.

Ashley begged to be picked up after though. He kept pointing at the dogs because he wanted to go outside for a walk. Andy obeyed the order and after a terrifying walk down the six flights of stairs they were finally outside.

Tokyo and Killer were eager to start walking and pulled Andy in the direction they were used to going. The whole time Ashley pointed out things and worked through his vocabulary. Andy took notice of how clear his vowels and soft consonants were. Hard consonants weren’t coming out in his words though he heard forced sounds as Ashley tried his best to produce them.

Ashley was a determined person. He worked hard until he reached his goals and even minor set backs did not deter him from accomplishing what he set out to do. He would find every possible way to communicate and move to make sure Andy understood him. There would be no discouraging him on that matter.

Their walk was peaceful. Tokyo and Killer pulled them along through their route and an hour later they arrived back at the apartment. Ashley was happily snuggling with Andy on the couch was they warmed up from the fall air. The dogs were asleep in their beds in the corner. Andy rubbed the baby’s back as he sucked on his soother and cuddled his star blanket.

Andy mentally prepared himself to get up and start supper. He was awaiting the next diaper change too. He wondered if he should force Ashley to stay awake, he looked so peaceful as he drifted off. He grabbed hold of Andy’s finger and vise gripped it as he fell asleep.

That gesture reminded Andy of how Ashley would link their fingers when they fell asleep. Ashley loved to be the little spoon and he managed to always find a way to wedge himself into his boyfriend’s side as they slept. The baby fit perfectly on his chest and Andy knew tonight was going to be lonely as he slept on his side of the bed without Ashley on him somehow.

“I hope you come back to me soon. I miss you terribly,” Andy whispered as he closed his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know its domestic! I'm sorry!!  
> Their figuring everything out in a wide range of emotions.  
> I hope everyone enjoys this chapter it is a long journey of their first day together. Now that they survived what antics can they get up too now?


	4. Chapter 4

Andy rubbed his eyes and looked over at the alarm clock.

**8:34 AM**

Beside him, Ashley was asleep in his pillow crib. Safely nestled into his makeshift bed as he hugged his gray star blanket in his arms. His soother was in his mouth as he busily dreamed. Andy watched him flex his feet in his footed pajamas and roll onto his side. Before bed he pulled Ashley’s hair into pigtails to keep it away from his face. He looked as peaceful and content as grown Ashley looked in the mornings.

The mornings where Andy would wake up two hours before him and enjoyed the peacefulness. If they fought it was a time to reflect and try to find a solution to his problems. It was the time he spent writing or reading in peace. The hours he would spend planning something special for Ashley. Sometimes he woke his boyfriend up with kisses and worshipped him. Other mornings he would lay in bed and watch Ashley sleep.

He loved the feeling of creeping into their bedroom to find Ashley awake and sitting in bed reading. Some giant anthology about art or an artist biography in his hands and his glasses nestled on his nose. The way he tucked the Batman bookmark between the pages and put the book aside as a gesture of respect. Ashley’s open arms beckoning him in for hugs and kisses. Then there was his laughter which was infectious, echoing through the bedroom as Andy tickled him and wrestled with him while threatening to mess up his hair.

He missed the gloomy mornings when Ashley woke up before him and opened all the windows, so the smell of fresh rain would waft through the apartment along with brewing coffee. Those were the mornings when Ashley had all his art supplies thrown across every surface in the apartment as he worked on whatever inspired him. Other gloomy mornings, Ashley dug out his leather-bound lyric book and wrote songs. Those were the songs he rejected to share with Andy because he didn’t think they were good enough. Ashley acted like they weren’t worthy of existence. Andy respectfully would tie the leather cord around the book and remind Ashley it was okay to write music for himself.

He knew they were good songs because he heard them hum in and out of existence on gloomy mornings when his boyfriend wanted to sing and play guitar. The mornings he realized no matter how over the top Ashley was when he played bass and sang back vocals in their band, it wasn’t the same as when he sang in Stolen Hearts. It wasn’t the same as him singing in their living room when he assumed Andy was asleep. Ashley would sing because he wanted too. Every emotion alive in his body poured forth as he sang and played guitar. Sometimes, Andy wanted to get up and tell him how amazing he was, he didn’t though in fear Ashley would stop singing or playing all together. He didn’t want to risk that. Andy knew one of Ashley’s biggest dreams was to make it in the music industry and he couldn’t fathom taking away a single shred of passion from his boyfriend. Even those private sessions were sacred and untouchable. A moment to appreciate and understand the man he loved most in this world.

It was one of those gloomy mornings and it was pouring rain outside.

Sadly, Ashley wasn’t awake creating art or music. He was asleep, looking to sweet and innocent to wake up. Andy couldn’t get up or leave him. He didn’t know if it was because Ashley was so cute as a baby or that he was genuinely worried about leaving him alone. He had a tough time falling asleep because he didn’t want to miss a moment of Ashley falling asleep. Andy did however think of something he could do while he waited for his boyfriend to wake up. He could log everything that the baby accomplished each day into one of the notebooks he had stashed in his bedside drawer. If the roles were reversed, Ashley would have already started researching a solution to this curse and anything relevant would be jotted down.

Andy wrote down every detail of their fight. He wrote pages about Ashley’s coordination and language growth over a day. He left a few blank pages in between their fight and reunion in case their friends could help them with what happened while they were apart. He dedicated a few pages as The Ashley Dictionary to log all his words. Any event or thing that seemed important he jotted down. Somewhere there was a connection and answer. When Ashley woke up he planned to show him the book and start researching karma and fate.

He was doodling Batman in the margins of notebook when Ashley pulled his soother out of his mouth and tossed it at him. Andy cringed a little over the spit and put his notebook aside. Ashley rolled over and stretched the best he could in his shorter stature. Small limbs waved in excitement as he woke up feeling refreshed.

“Good morning little one,” Andy greeted.

Ashley beamed like the sun and made grabby hands for him.

“Use your words Ashley baby,” Andy said as he smiled back at Ashley. From this moment onward, every word counted. He watched Ashley sit up and make grabby hands for him again. Andy figured the next thing that awaited him was the honor of changing a diaper.

Those grabby hands didn’t stop wiggling in anticipation. Ashley’s smile formed into a lovable pout. “And uh,” the small being said in a whiny voice.

Andy nearly fell off the bed. He felt happiness bubble through him as he got up and complied with the demanding baby. He naturally started to sway and bounce as he looked at Ashley. “I love you, Ash,” he said as he made smooching sounds at him. He loved Ashley’s regular kisses but there was something so pure and innocent about a baby’s affection.

“And! Loo oo,” Ashley nattered back before giving into the smoochy sounds.

“You are such a little smarty pants.”

-

Ashley smiled weakly at the comment.

“I feel like you love me more because I’m a baby,” he whispered to himself.

He was curled up on the velvet couch as he tried to silence all his insecure feelings. He worried Andy would stop loving him overnight. He dreamed about being left with CC or Jinxx because his boyfriend couldn’t handle him. He feared that Andy would give up and leave him a baby. All night his dreams were clouded with insecurities.

The darkness was creeping closer to the couch and the golden glow of the spotlight was growing smaller.

Ashley hated the dark.

It brought back memories that he as an adult still couldn’t handle. He clasped his hands over his eyes and tried to tell himself that things would go back to normal. He wouldn’t be trapped here forever; Andy wouldn’t abandon him.

As the darkness crawled its way onto the arms of the couch Ashley started to breathe erratically.

“LEAVE ME ALONE!”

-

“Where did Ashes go?” Andy sang cheerfully as he watched Ashley cover his eyes with his hands. “I have no idea where my darling Ashley is.”

The words were so loving and happy that Ashley pulled his hands away from his eyes and looked at Andy.

“Peek! I see my favorite little man,” Andy said as he dipped his boyfriend backwards and back up again.

There was no laughter or smile only Ashley hugging his neck and wanting to cuddle.

Andy rubbed Ashley’s back and kept his natural rhythm as he moved. He hugged his boyfriend close to provide him security. “If I know you as well as I think I do, you had bad dreams. Whatever you’re scared of right now, I want you to know that I would never leave you or hurt you. I love you so very much, Ashley Purdy. You’re stuck with me forever I’m afraid. I’m head over heels in love with you and your Hello Kitty obsession,” he laughed gently.

-

The darkness pulled back and the spot light regained its normal glow.

Ashley was awestruck that Andy’s words brought back the light and his insecurities melted away. He no longer felt like he was going to be abandoned or left as a baby forever. He melted into the warm embrace around him and the hand rubbing his back soothed all the worried.

“There is no one I’d rather be stuck with. Trust me.”

-

Andy swayed and hummed as he tried to decide what he wanted to do for his boyfriend.

Usually when Ashley had nightmares, Andy would suggest a day spent in bed or a having a relaxing bubble bath together. Sometimes he would sneak out to get a tub of ice cream then they’d watch movies. If it was a particularly upsetting dream, Andy stayed awake until his boyfriend fell asleep again (which was what Ashley did for him). Andy’s nightmares were caused by guilt, while stress caused Ashley’s. 

“How about a bubble bath, Ashy?”

Chubby legs wiggled and kicked in excitement.

Andy smiled and dipped Ashley upside down again. His screeching laughter filled the room and there was finally a toothy grin lighting up Andy’s world.

Andy realized there was a snag in his plan when he was standing in the bathroom in his boxers. Ashley was distracted by his reflection in the mirror. The baby was happy to be free of the footed pajamas and was busily flexing his painted toenails. Ashley was over the moon happy to also have his teeth brushed and diaper changed. He was in a chatty mood as he babbled a mile a minute with his consonant ‘d’. His hands waved at his reflection then he pulled at his pigtails.

“O,” his thin eyebrows were furrowed in the way Andy loved and he finally snapped back into reality.

“Do you want your pigtails out?” Andy asked as he adjusted Ashley into his left arm.

Ashley nodded and waited for the offensive hair elastics to be removed from his hair. He clapped his hands together when Andy freed his hair and fluffed it.

“I can see your bum,” Andy teased. He couldn’t deny how adorable Ashley’s naked bottom was as he held him in his arms.

A little hand hit his chest and an irritated sound came from the baby. He looked somewhat annoyed by the comment.

Andy chuckled and knew it was harmless teasing. “Don’t hit. That’s not nice. No one likes a baby that hits or bites,” he warned lightly.

Then started the pouting. It didn’t seem to matter if he was jokingly reprimanding Ashley as an adult or baby, he pouted in annoyance. Andy wished his boyfriend would cross his arms over his chest and stick his tongue out. He missed those traits as he teased Ashley. Those were defining characteristics that made his boyfriend unique and special to him.

Andy’s mind returned to its insecure thoughts as he filled the bathtub and added the bubbles. When they bathed together it was an intimate thing. It was a way to relax and bond together, other times it was a flirtatious exchange that got heated. He didn’t feel comfortable standing in the shower while holding Ashley. He was clumsy; there was to much risk he could slip and fall or drop the baby. Andy put a lot of bubbles into the water in hopes they could preserve their dignities. Ashley appeared to be quite content and liberated to be freed from the confines of babyhood. That made Andy wish he was feeling that confident in the moment. All he could think about was how weird it was that he was going to get naked around the baby version of the man he was dating.

-

Ashley was stretched out on the couch anticipating the relaxing feeling of a warm bath.

The smell of his favorite lavender bubble bath made him calm as he waited. The ability to be free from those ridiculous footed pajamas also made him content. It was nice to have warm feet since his were always cold, but it felt odd wearing them. Even as a child he hated them.

He could sense Andy’s growing tension as they got ready to sit in the bathtub. It was somewhat entertaining seeing him uncomfortable. If Andy could handle a diaper, why was a bath so difficult?

“I ain’t making a big deal out of this…we’ve seen each other naked many times,” Ashley said confidently as he got comfortable on the couch.

He wouldn’t be panicking if the roles were reversed. There would be no reason to be worrying about something like being naked. A bath was a bath and being naked around someone else happened. This was obviously Andy’s hurdle like Ashley’s was that first diaper change.

Ashley sighed and made his baby form point to the bathtub. He was going to lay on the charm to encourage Andy to get over this childish moment. He chattered and babbled about the bubbles until Andy finally gave in.

“That’s right, get your ass in the bath. Last week you had no problem chasing me through the apartment naked pretending to be a T-Rex! You owe me this,” he said sarcastically.

-

Andy couldn’t say no.

He swallowed his pride and shuffled out of his boxers. He didn’t waste anymore time and got into the tub. The water was warm as he got seated in the sea of bubbles. Ashley was being a wiggle worm and was excitedly screeching to be put down into the water.

“You need to sit up the best you can and hold my hands,” Andy said defensively.

There were no protests as he sat Ashley down in the water in front of him. Andy was thankful for their spacious tub and the ability to stretch out his legs. Ashley was in awe of the bubbles around him. His happiness was visible, and his tattooed hands held Andy’s hands as requested. Andy hated being overprotective though it put his mind at ease since Ashley was somewhat defenseless.

He knew Ashley was going to test him. One tiny hand let go of his finger to grab a handful of bubbles. Ashley was joyfully grabbing at the bubbles all around him and giggling. Andy couldn’t scold him because that look of wonderment was pure innocence.

“And!” Ashley shrieked loudly and held out a handful of bubbles.

Andy’s heart was about to burst out of his chest over how adorable Ashley was being. He scooped up a handful of bubbles and blew them at his boyfriend. His laughter was music to Andy’s ears. “Ash,” he mimicked as he blew more bubbles at him.

Then started the splashing. Andy’s demands that Ashley hold his hands were long forgotten and the baby was slashing away. They were both drenched when Ashley finally tired of his quest to kill all the bubbles.

Ashley started to yawn promting Andy to quickly wash both their hair and exit the tub.

“Awh, you’re the sweetest,” Andy commented as Ashley smothered him in kisses. He had the baby wrapped up in one of their thick plush towels and he couldn’t wait to get back to their bedroom to play another round of dress up. Trying to towel off Ashley was proving difficult when all he wanted to do was wiggle and move. Andy cooed at him to stay still but he had to find a new distraction.

That distraction was Sophie the Giraffe.

The minute Ashley started to squeeze the squeaky giraffe the dogs came running. They were on the bed trying to get the toy from the baby’s hands with not much success. A disgruntled sound sent them running into the hall to watch cautiously. When Andy and Ashley weren’t looking they’d try to get the squeaky toy for themselves.

“Affe! And, affe,” Ashley said as he showed Andy the toy he was busily squeaking.

Andy’s chance to get Ashley full dressed was finally successful thanks for Sophie. The only tricky thing was prying the toy from his boyfriend’s hands long enough to get the onesie on. Ashley sat up and was happily chewing on Sophie while Andy got dressed. “We’re going to match today,” Andy said turning around to reveal his Batman shirt.

Ashley dropped Sophie to clap his hands.

They were quite the pair in their Batman shirts and black skinny jeans. Andy pulled his hair back into a messy ponytail in favor of avoiding Ashley’s constant need to play with his hair. Adult Ashley liked to brush and sort out his hair when it was unruly while baby Ashley was trying to play peek-a-boo and, in the process pulled the strands wrapped around his fingers. Andy did the same with his boyfriend’s hair and pulled it into a ponytail.

-

“Why do my teeth hurt?” Ashley grumbled.

At least when he was chewing on Sophie or sucking on his soother he didn’t notice the small pulsation in his gums. Andy was gentle when he brushed his teeth. This pain was like forgetting to wear his retainers for days. It made him feel slightly miserable as he tried to ignore the minor ache.

“Seriously, nightmares and now sore teeth? How is this fair at all?”

He needed to give Andy a hint. A clue that this bothered him. Now that he was aware of his aching gums he couldn’t stop thinking about it. He added this to his lengthy list of trials.

“I kept complaining that I never felt heard now here I am,” Ashley said as he rubbed his finger over his gums.

He didn’t know how to communicate this. Point and cry? His words weren’t strong enough to speak volumes to this annoying pain. Was there a sign he could make? Declining food might work. Maybe if he looked sad and pointed it would tip Andy off.

All he wanted was Tylenol and his sippy cup.

-

Andy noticed right away something was wrong when Ashley looked at him with a pout. He pointed at his mouth while Sophie was secured in his other hand.

“Hungry?” he asked knowing that was his mission right now.

Ashley shook his head and showed his teeth. He pointed at them this time.

“I already brushed your teeth.”

The look on Ashley’s face reflected defeat. He pointed again at his teeth and stared at Andy with sad eyes. He kept making the gesture towards his teeth and gums.

“You have all your teeth little man. You don’t have body hair though,” Andy said thinking that was the question.

That wasn’t the answer Ashley wanted. He screamed loudly and proceeded to cry. He threw Sophie onto the floor in his angry moment. This was like the diaper incident. Pure rage and annoyance rolled into one. Any attempt Andy made to comfort him, he pushed his hands away. He didn’t want to be held or bounced. He wanted to sit on the bed, screaming his lungs out.

Andy was breaking under the pressure and panic set in. His shaking hand grabbed his phone as he sat down on the floor on his side of the bed. He could see Ashley melting down all the while desperately hoping Jinxx or Jake were awake. His reassuring words and cooing did not sooth Ashley’s anger. The screaming grew louder and the odd time he pointed to his teeth.

“Andy, it’s way to early,” Jake groaned when he answered the phone.

The screaming raised another pitch and Andy grabbed Sophie off the floor. He attempted to hand her over to Ashley who knocked her out of his hand. “I need help! Ashley’s freaking out and I don’t know what to do,” he said.

“What’s wrong?” Jake said sitting up in bed. He looked over at Jinxx who was sleeping soundly beside him.

“I gave him a bath and now he’s angry. He keeps pointing at his mouth, I don’t know what he wants. I asked if he wanted food and he doesn’t. What am I doing wrong?” Andy asked.

Jake gently shook Jinxx’s shoulder. There was little protest as he rolled over and grabbed the phone from Jake to put it on speaker phone. “Is it his teeth?” Jake suggested.

Andy saw Ashley pointing at his teeth and crying. His screams were sure to wake up their neighbors. His screaming made Andy’s ears hurt. “Ashley baby, do your teeth hurt?” he asked cautiously.

The screaming subsided but the tears did not. Now Ashley was hiccupping while he cried. His finger kept pointing at his mouth. His brown eyes were red from the outburst and he wanted comfort. He wanted Andy to hold him. He crawled towards the edge of the bed seeking the safety of his boyfriend.

Andy put his phone down for a moment to pick Ashley up and snuggled him close to his chest. “It’s teeth. What can I do? He’s obviously in pain,” he said picking up his phone again.

“I’ll go get infant Tylenol and a teething ring,” Jinxx said as he dragged himself out of bed.

Jake followed him like he usually did. “Put a piece of ice in a face cloth and let him suck on it until we get there,” Jake said before hanging up on Andy.

Andy tossed his phone onto the bed alongside Sophie. In the kitchen Ashley was not interested in sucking on a piece of ice. He wasn’t having any of that. Andy managed to convince him ice water in his sippy cup might work for a while. It seemed no matter what he did, Ashley was grumpy. Andy drank a quick cup of coffee while Ashley worked on his ice water. There was a slight moment of independence as Ashley sat on the couch by himself while engaged in an episode of Spiderman.

The arrival of Jinxx and Jake was a godsend. Andy never knew how excited he could get about someone buzzing their apartment intercom.

“The elevator finally works,” Jake said happily as he toed off his shoes. They all got to endure the treacherous walk up six to seven flights of stairs a lot in the last thirty-six hours.

Jinxx noticed how sullen Andy looked and he pulled him into a hug. The comfort was appreciated as he hugged his friend back. Jake skipped the physical contact and got right down to business boiling the teething rings they bought.

“Little Miss Stubborn is over on the couch drinking ice water,” Andy said flatly.

There was a collective laugh at the reference and Jinxx pulled away from the hug. “Go have another cup of coffee. I’ll sort out Ashley,” he said.

Andy didn’t need to be told twice. He retreated into the kitchen to hang out with Jake.

Jinxx however was not interested in stubborn attitudes. His relationship with Jake was rooted upon stubbornness. He walked into the living room to find Ashley distracted by the TV and his sippy cup. He sat down and looked at the baby. His brown eyes were still red and he looked tired.

“I brought you Tylenol,” Jinxx said sympathetically.

Mini Ashley’s head turned to look at him and he dropped his sippy cup. He bounced up and down while making the up gesture. He didn’t want to talk. When Jinxx didn’t make a move to pick him up he opted to crawl over to him then sit in his lap.

Jinxx was surprised at first. He wasn’t typically comfortable with children. He liked when Jake’s cousins visited with their older children and he could show them his snakes. Even knowing that the small human in his lap was Ashley still made him unsure. He wanted to be respectful of his friend who was still an adult in a baby’s body. Jinxx saw Ashley as vulnerable, it was up to them to make sure he survived and got back to normal.

“Do you want to cuddle? Maybe go see if uncle Jake can make you better?” Jinxx asked.

Ashley snuggled close and shoved his thumb in his mouth. Jinxx wrapped his arms around him to made him feel safe.

Jinxx wrinkled his nose. “Yucky, get your thumb out of your mouth,” he scolded.

-

Ashley knew it was a bad habit.

His grandma had always been after him about sucking his thumb. She told him it didn’t matter how cute it was, it was a bad habit. It was rather gross, and he was disgusted with himself for falling into the habit so easily.

Andy would probably let him get away with sucking his thumb but Jinxx wouldn’t. The look his friend gave him was enough to make him stop. He appreciated Jinxx’s stern nature. It was going to save him a lot of grief trying to break the habit later.

“I can’t believe I did that,” Ashley chastised himself. His mind provided him a list of other things he put in his mouth on a regular basis that would be construed as gross. There wasn’t a permanent marker around that didn’t have a chewed lid. Even at signings if he borrowed one of Andy’s Sharpies, he’d chew the lid.

-

Andy joined them in the living room and he couldn’t help feeling jealous that Ashley wanted to be with Jinxx. He took a seat on the loveseat and drank his coffee. Ashley waved at him tiredly.

“Do you want him?” Jinxx asked sensing the tension in the room.

The shrug and silence made Jinxx roll his eyes. Jake would act the same way if this was them. He was thankful this was Ashley and Andy’s problem. They both needed to grow up. Jinxx got up from the couch and plopped Ashley down on Andy’s lap. His expression was that of annoyance. A true look of warning, the kind a mom gave her children. Jinxx went into the kitchen to get the Tylenol.

Ashley was shocked by the sudden change around him and he looked up at Andy who in turn was to busy looking anywhere else. He sipped his coffee and his free arm naturally wrapped around the baby to make sure he didn’t fall.

“An?”

Andy was to consumed in his scowling game and ignoring Ashley that he didn’t notice the little being’s lip quiver. He didn’t see big brown eyes begging for attention.

“Dee?”

Still he was being ignored and he didn’t like it. Ashley’s hands grabbed at Andy’s Batman shirt as he bounced on his knee. He babbled random things in hopes to get his boyfriend’s attention. The silence was to lonely.

“Andy,” Ashley squeaked out.

Andy looked down at him with a surprised look. “What did you say, Ashy?” he asked.

“Andy,” Ashley repeated as he pointed to his boyfriend.

-

“Why is he looking at me like that?”

Ashley sat on the edge of the couch studying his boyfriend. Andy was looking down at him and the look on his face was full of a variety emotions. He chewed at his lip ring and he kept blinking his blue eyes. Ashley didn’t recognize that look and he didn’t know what he was supposed to do. So, he kept repeating Andy’s name.

-

Andy nervously laughed and put his coffee mug aside. His free hand came up to wipe his tears away.

“Andy? Andy, Andy, Andy!”

Every little inflection and pitch Ashley hit to get his attention made him feel rotten for being jealous. There sat his boyfriend saying his name and beaming over the accomplishment. Andy was proud. Proud that Ashley was able to say his first complete word and the fact that his name was his first word meant a lot.

Ashley was pulling himself up to stand on Andy’s knees. His small hands tightly gripped the t-shirt. Andy instinctively grabbed hold of him under the armpits to give him security. With his now free hands he clapped them together and kept saying Andy’s name on repeat.

“I’m so proud of you,” Andy said. “I don’t I tell you that enough, Ashley.”

He told Ashley that he loved him but never that he was proud.

His boyfriend deserved to hear those words. He knew the struggles Ashley went through to make his dreams become a reality. Andy never really had to starve because Ashley would give him his food and say nothing more about it. He never worked multiple jobs to have a home or food all while attending university. He never had to experience the pecking order of being in a new band because Ashley had already established his reputation in the music scene. All his boyfriend’s resources were part of the band’s success. Andy paid a quarter of the rent because Ashley wanted him to build a savings. They lived on a budget even though they both had money now. The Camaro was his pride and joy, the only thing Ashley truly wanted to spend his hard-earned money on. After that he hardly treated himself to much more than some clothes and make up.

Then there was Ashley’s art, his lyrics, the fashion line he wanted to design, and all the ideas he had to better the band. Andy loved listening to him talk about the things he was passionate about. He enjoyed when Ashley would share his creative thoughts with him. Andy admired the creativity that lived within Ashley. He was so full of talent and humble about it. Sometimes Andy wished the world saw what he did every time he looked at his boyfriend.

Ashley took on all the responsibilities Andy faced when he started chasing the dream of making Black Veil Brides successful. He explained one night as they lay in bed together that he never wanted Andy to struggle the way he had. From then on, they were not only falling in love; Ashley was supporting him. Whatever Andy could give was enough and there were no other expectations. Ashley loved him and would do everything in his power to help him.

Andy leaned down and kissed Ashley’s forehead.

“Sorry to disturb your ridiculously cute moment but I want to see his teeth,” Jake said waltzing into the living room. Jinxx followed with the bottle of infant Tylenol and a bottle full of water.

Ashley decided to show off to the others that he could say a full name before Jake got his fingers near his mouth. The room was full of congratulations over the word. Andy got the baby sitting on his knees as Jake looked at his teeth.

“His gums are swollen. Probably irritated from the transition into baby. I boiled and froze the teething rings we picked up. I bought some baby food in case your teeth hurt to much you adorable little shit,” Jake said the last part to Ashley.

There wasn’t much else to do aside from learn how to give Ashley the Tylenol. Jinxx and Jake were in parent mode as they taught Andy how to get the syringe filled to the right line and give the baby the medicine. Ashley coughed and made a disgusted face. He made grabby hands for the bottle Jinxx was offering him and downed it.

-

Cherry.

The worst taste for medicine though throwing up grape flavored medicine was worse. Ashley had horrible memories of that. The water at least dissolved the taste and he could cuddle in Andy’s arms.

“I hope this is a temporary problem. I can’t stand the taste of cough medicines,” Ashley grumbled.

He watched Jinxx make faces at him and Jake baby talked him. Andy had him cradled in his arms which was warm and felt like normal. The faces and sounds his two friends were making had him raising one eyebrow.

“Jinxx, Jake you’re both stupid,” he said before rolling his eyes.

-

“Why does he look unimpressed? Does he give you that look?” Jake asked Andy.

The guitarists were staring at Ashley with confused looks on their faces.

Andy looked down and noticed the look. The look Ashley had in interviews especially the ones he didn’t want to talk in. “Oh, that’s just his resting bitch face,” the younger man confirmed.

Jinxx was the one who decided it was time to go. Jake was getting hangry and he was going to see if he could talk his friend into a day spent in bed. He extended an invitation to come over for lunch the next day and dragged Jake out of the apartment once he had an answer.

Andy noticed how weird Jinxx and Jake were acting.

There was something about them that never settled wirh the rest of the band. Many nights were spent questioning what really went on in their house behind closed doors. Ashley and Andy both had their theories. Andy believed they were hiding their relationship while Ashley argued it was possibly to sleep beside someone and not feel a sexual connection. It seemed lately Jake was moodier and Jinxx was quick to set plans to avoid those moods. All the bubbly, loving, friendliness was over compensating for Jake being cranky.

“Want to know a secret?” Andy asked as he stood beside the sliding glass door to allow Ashley to look out the window.

There was a devious look on Ashley’s face as he babbled his answer back, “Yah yah!”

Andy knew he shouldn’t be sharing the secret. He was supposed to be asleep. Ashley was bouncing with excitement. Anytime there was gossip he loved to hear it. Andy knew Ashley wouldn’t say anything to anyone. “I saw Jinxx and Jake kiss,” he said.

Ashley stopped bouncing and took in the words he heard. His hands grabbed Andy’s shirt tightly and pulled on the fabric. It was a subtle enough hint to keep talking.

“The night we were apart  I saw Jake try to kiss Jinxx and he pushed him away. Then Jake tried again later and Jinxx rejected him a second time. Then he slammed Jake into our hallway wall and kissed him back,” Andy said.

“In? Ay?” Ashley squeaked. His brown eyes were wide over the gossip.

Andy nodded. Deep down he could tell Jinxx would want this to be a secret. He spoke passionately about platonic relationships. They all started to wonder what the real reason behind Jinxx’s obsession with this kind of relationship stemmed from though they respected him too much to pry. “We can’t tell CC or anyone for that matter. I think they had a moment of weakness like we did when we were becoming close,” Andy said quietly.

Ashley nodded and clapped his hands together. Their little gossip session was cut short by Ashley making the sign that he wanted to eat.

-

The gossip made Ashley feel bubbly and he hoped whatever was going on between his friends they figured it out. It was nice to hear something other than baby talk and their problems. Something other than his problems.

Ashley ruffled his hair and forced his baby self to eat the food being offered to him. The Tylenol took the dull pain in his gums away and he felt better. The jar of baby food Andy was feeding him was something else. He was hungry and really liked vegetables, this however was not how he liked his food.

“I hate this,” Ashley cringed.

Andy kept shoving the spoon in his mouth and his protests went unheard.

“Feed me Cheerios!”

-

Andy wrinkled his nose when he opened the jar of vegetable medley.

There seemed to be a similar feeling as Ashley made faces while being fed. There was something unpleasant about the ugly yellow color of the food and the smell. There were some minor protests, but he kept forcing Ashley to eat the vegetables.

“I know you hate this little man. I promise after this nasty vegetable medley, I’ll give you some fruit,” Andy said.

Ashley pushed the spoon away and pointed to Andy then the spoon.

“You want me to try?”

Ashley nodded and watched intently as Andy gripped the spoon in his hand. He dipped it into the jar and studied the food with disgust. It smelled terrible, there was no way it would taste good. Ashley was clapping his hands and grinning in that maniacal way (the look he had when he was right which was almost always).

Andy couldn’t take that all knowing look any longer and he shoved the spoon into his mouth. It was a bitter taste which caused him to gag. “Nope! You’re not eating this! Fucking disgusting. I’m sorry,” Andy said getting up and tossing the jar of food into the garbage.

No amount of water took the taste of squash from his mouth. Ashley seemed to be have a similar problem. He kept making an adorable face and sticking his tongue out.

“Uhee,” he said sticking his tongue out again with a look of disgust.

Andy handed him blueberries and promised to never make him eat baby food again. Thankfully, Jake and Jinxx only bought three jars of the vegan vegetable medley which made it easier to dispose of them. Andy preferred finger foods especially when Ashley offered the food back and feed him. That was becoming a staple in their bonding experience.

Their bonding experience expanded in the living room as Ashley started to pull himself up and cling to the edge of the coffee table. He was busy figuring out how to walk while holding onto something. Andy stayed close, ready in case Ashley lost his footing. He was getting faster and scurried along one side of the coffee table and back. He kept saying Andy’s name on repeat as he worked on the sideways shuffle.

Andy offered his hand and Ashley held it as he slowly took his first forward steps. He was wobbly, and his voice seemed nervous as he babbled Andy’s name. Andy wanted him to try taking some forward steps as practice. It took a lot of convincing even if Ashley was willing to try.

-

Ashley wasn’t a fan of forward steps. His heart was racing in his chest in fear that he could stumble. Side shuffling gave him the security of holding something. He knew Andy was ready to catch him when he stood up by himself.

He was sweating as he sat on the edge of the couch. He focused on one slow step at a time and made sure not to rush himself. Andy cooed encouragements to him and that brought him some ease as he focused on the task at hand.

“One step at a time, eh?”

-

When they finally reached the edge of the coffee table, Ashley wanted up.

Andy didn’t want to push him to hard. Knowing that he could side shuffling and tried forward walking was a good start. He sat down on the couch and played Ashley’s new favorite game. His tiny hands would cover Andy’s eyes and would play peek-a-boo.

“Andy?” Ashley asked cheerfully.

The younger man laughed and waited for Ashley to move his hands. Once he did, Andy would make silly noises at him which caused him to burst into a string of bubbly chatter. He snorted and made pig noises which pleased Ashley a lot.

“Andy?” Ashley said again as he covered his boyfriend’s eyes.

Andy gasped and made a dramatic show this time when his world went dark. “Oh no! I can’t see, Ashley! Where did he go?” he teased.

The baby shrieked loudly then withdrew his hand.

“There you are! I was scared,” Andy exaggerated.

Ashley quickly covered his eyes again and the game continued.

-

“I miss you,” Ashley said hugging his legs close to his chest.

He missed being able to take care of himself then he missed taking care of Andy. Mornings were spent making breakfast and coffee for the man he loved. Hours were spent doing laundry and taking care of their home. Then taking Tokyo and Killer out to play at the dog park. There were so many every day things he missed doing.

He missed the feeling of paint on his fingers and strumming his guitar. Morning cuddles with Andy. He even missed his Hello Kitty slippers and satin kimono robe. Then there was Andy teasing him about the robe. Andy pretending to be Batman or a T-Rex while running around the apartment. He missed playing tag with Tokyo and Killer or cuddling up on the couch with them.

What he missed and wanted most was unattainable right now.

Ashley wanted Andy to trace his fingers along his side and outline his tattoos. He wished he could tuck himself safely in his boyfriend’s arms and let his guard down. If he had the words, he would tell Andy how much their fight hurt him or how scared he was that they would break up. It would be the perfect time to let nine years, hell even twenty-three years of pain go. He would willingly talk if he could right now and tell Andy that he feared losing him. He would put every fear he had on the table, he'd let Andy take some of the weight.

He took Andy’s pain and fears with confidence. He made sure that his boyfriend talked to him. All the while Andy tried to do the same for him and he would shut him out over certain things. Topics that stayed buried that would eventually resurface bringing dark clouds of sadness with them.

“Sometimes I am a child,” Ashley mused.

He cried and screamed. He pushed Andy away telling him to stop trying to hold him. He yelled in Andy’s face saying he didn’t understand what it felt like to be alone or to lose people that mattered. He would end up hiccupping from his breakdown and his boyfriend held him against his chest whispering like a manta that he needed to breathe. Andy reminded him that he was loved and waited patiently for an explanation.

Ashley rubbed his temples, “I appreciate all the times I told you to leave me alone and you didn’t. I can’t always find the words like you can when you need me most. We know how to use our words in many ways, eh? When this is over, I need to tell you everything. No more games or cryptic answers. I’m ready to tell you about them, why I get sad, and why I’m so scared to be alone.”

“I should tell you why I’m scared of the dark too. It’s kind of funny,” Ashley said softly.

He kept staring out at Andy. His blue eyes were filled with love as he engaged in this ridiculous game. Being able to watch made Ashley more aware how much he took their relationship for granted. For a brief period, he felt like he did everything for Andy and got nothing in return. Seeing Andy now made that resentment fade away. That previous feeling of giddiness and falling in love returned along with a flood of appreciation.

Andy’s voice drew him back into the game as his nickname was said.

“I’m still here, koala,” Ashley hummed happily.

-

“Can my lil’ panda cover his eyes? I have a surprise for you!”

Andy sat Ashley down on the couch and waited for him to cover his eyes. The baby followed instructions and waited. Andy ran out of the living room to grab the stuffed panda he hid in the closet. He returned to find Ashley still covering his eyes waiting and he couldn’t resist the urge to crouch down beside the couch. He walked the panda bear along the couch and nuzzled it into Ashley’s cheek.

“Panda bear kisses!” Andy said cheerfully as he made smoochy sounds.

Ashley uncovered his eyes and screeched in surprise. His little hands grabbed the stuffed panda and he looked at it. “ANDA!” he squealed.

Andy lightly pulled it out of Ashley’s hands and made it dance around. When his boyfriend tried to grab the stuffed animal, he would make smoochy sounds and give more panda kisses.

“ANDY! ANDA! ANDA!”

Ashley was beaming and hugged the panda close to his chest. He gave it kisses then offered it to Andy. During the exchange the affectionate stuffed panda would maul Ashley in panda hugs. Soon the game changed, and it was Ashley who was making the panda stuffie kiss Andy’s face. They had a playful game of keep away going. The panda bear stuffie could sing and dance which kept Ashley entertained until he got a certain look on his face.

“Oo e,” Ashley said sounding a little ashamed.

Andy knew what awaited him as he scooped up Ashley and his panda bear. “You get a panda and I get a poopy diaper,” he teased as they walked into the bathroom.

Ashley shrugged and grinned at him. He was quite happy with the panda bear in his hands.

“You will always be the gift that keeps on giving,” Andy said as he got the changing pad laid out. Ashley was busily telling him about something to distract him from the task at hand and he truly appreciated it.

-

“I am a gift aren’t I,” Ashley said fondly.

He relaxed and babbled through his words.

Andy.

Affe.

Anda.

Today was a busy day with new words and he knew he could figure out some more before the day ended. Andy was humming while he listened to him say his limited vocabulary on repeat. Ashley was back to laying on the couch and he yawned. He had to stay awake. His baby hands rubbed at his face and he yawned again.

“Thanks body, you’ve betrayed me,” Ashley grumbled.

-

Andy watched Ashley yawn and start to slowly drift off.

He was disappointed once he got cleaned up and Ashley redressed that his boyfriend was falling asleep. It was only 1:00pm. What was he going to do until Ashley woke up?

He picked Ashley up and walked around the apartment trying to decide what they could do today. It was miserable outside so going for a walk was out of the question. Tokyo and Killer liked car rides, maybe they could go for a short drive. There was always something to buy at Walmart or Target. The dogs liked going to the pet store to get toys.

Andy grabbed the soother off the bed and stuck it in Ashley’s mouth. He lay the baby down in the pillow crib and went back into the bathroom to rescue the panda from the floor. He put it on top of their dresser along with Sophie. He watched Ashley roll onto his side and pull his blanket close to his chest. Tokyo and Killer were in the hall staring like usual.

“You two need to go out,” Andy said realizing he was doing a bad job of taking care of the dogs. He took a moment to check the pee pads he laid out before bed and gave them fresh food and water. They followed him around and happily accepted being pet by him too. He put their harnesses on and went into the bedroom to grab a hoodie.

He saw Ashley asleep and hesitated. Was it safe to leave him alone for a few minutes? Did that make him irresponsible? As he pulled his hoodie on he decided it was safer to take the baby with him and he grabbed the hoodie he bought Ashley. It took some effort to wiggle the blanket from the baby’s grip, he put the hoodie on and zipped it up. He wrapped Ashley in the star blanket and walked down the hallway where the dogs patiently waited at the door.

He carefully leaned down to grab the leashes, slipped on his shoes, and they were on their way. The dogs pulled him down the hallway and he had to remind them that the elevator existed. They were bubbling with excitement the minute they hit the lobby and they pulled him eagerly to the front doors. It was pouring outside, the only plan Andy had was to allow the dogs a few minutes to get some fresh air and do their business. Ashley wiggled a bit as he breathed in the fresh air though that didn’t wake him up. Andy had pulled the blanket over the baby’s head to prevent him from getting wet. The wind blew through the street and the dogs scurried back towards the front doors begging Andy to take them back inside.

Andy was quite happy to retreat inside where he returned Ashley to his crib. He towelled off the dogs then they all cuddled up on the queen-sized bed together. Andy wasn’t tired, he lay on the bed watching Ashley sleep. He texted CC and the others. He spent some time cruising the internet on his phone and doing some research. He returned to his notebook to add some key details about Ashley’s development and his research.

Karma is a result of your actions.

Fate is inevitable.

“This has to be karma,” Andy whispered.

He wrote it all out and tried to map each possibility. There were a few things that didn’t add up. He kept working until Ashley woke up again. His big brown eyes stared at the book as he sat up to see what Andy was doing.

Ashley pulled the soother out of his mouth and babbled at Andy, making sure to point.

“I’ve been doing research. Everything about our fight, the things we’ve done as a couple since you turned into a baby, all your developments, and anything important I wrote down. I swear I’ll fix this, Ashley,” Andy promised.

-

Ashley was well rested and quite interested in Andy’s notebook.

He forced his baby self to crawl over to Andy and he started pointing to the book to encourage his boyfriend to elaborate. He was curious what they already had down as evidence. There was a sense of pride and trust that was filling the room and his being.

“I don’t need you to swear anything. I trust that we will figure this out,” Ashley said confidently.

-

Andy enjoyed showing Ashley his notebook. His boyfriend seemed keen to look at all his notes and made grabby hands for the pen.

“No, I’ll get you some crayons. Something friendlier for small hands,” Andy said keeping his pen away from his boyfriend.

Ashley pouted and tried again only to be rejected. “Ain?” he asked.

“Paint? Yah, we can get some paint. It has to be kid friendly though,” Andy said.

That pleased Ashley and he smiled over that. Next, he started babbling for his panda which Andy got for him and he hugged to his chest. Tokyo and Killer were interested in the toy in Ashley’s hands and tried their luck at grabbing for the toy.

Andy was the one scolding the dogs this time. “Get lost you little heathens. You have your own toys,” he warned.

“INE!” Ashley added in his scolding tone.

Tokyo and Killer gave up their attempts of taking the panda and opted for Andy’s shoes at the door. The young man wouldn’t notice as he was to busy entertaining the small human on the bed. Andy teased him about being a grouch and picked him up. They were going to spin around the room and that seemed to stop the ‘mine’ phase.

“It’s pouring outside should we watch Disney movies? Maybe text uncle CC and see if he wants to come over tonight?” Andy suggested as he twirled them around again.

Ashley chanted his answer in different pitches, “Yah yah yah!”

It was the perfect way to spend the afternoon. Ashley had his blanket, panda, Sophie, his soother, and sippy cup all spread out on his side of the couch. Andy made sure to have bowls of finger foods to encourage the baby to eat as they watched The Little Mermaid. Ashley went between cuddling and being independent. He also spent a lot of his time offering Andy his panda or sippy cup.

Andy noticed he did the same thing when he was eating something Ashley couldn’t easily eat, he found ways to give him some of his sandwich or a tiny sip of his soda. The baby was trying to feed the stuffed panda a cube of cheese then ate it himself. Andy wondered if Ashley was playing make believe as he talked to his stuffed animal. He remembered running around the house with his favorite toys telling stories since he was an only child. It didn’t hit him until the end of the movie that Ashley was trying to sing along and showing his panda the movie.

“My lil’ song bird,” Andy mused.

He put in another movie and this time Ashley was ready to snuggle.

-

Ashley was singing as loud as he physically could within himself.

He loved Disney movies especially when they had a marathon and sang the whole time. Andy was the only person alive that knew how much he loved Disney movies. He didn’t feel embarrassed to break into song because he knew his boyfriend would join him. It was something special they did together, something not even their friends knew about when they toured.

“It’s the circle of life and it moves us all,” Ashley sang happily.

He could feel Andy’s chest rumbling as he sang along. He loved when they sang together and loved it even more when they decided to harmonize. Then there were the duets. Andy also humored him with Grease. Usually a glass of wine would loosen up his boyfriend and they’d be dancing together. Nothing stopped them from their private dance session when they were lightly buzzed and dancing to You’re the One That I Want. They would play rock-paper-scissors to decide who got to be Sandy and who was Danny.

For a moment it felt like they were back to normal as they sang together. Ashley didn’t care if his words were lost as his baby self babbled. He was caught up in the music and didn’t notice the golden glow of the spot light growing brighter and expanding in the dark room.

-

It was a little after six when CC showed up with gifts.

“The safest in children’s art supplies,” he said as he handed Ashley a package of crayons. CC went to Michael’s Crafts and terrorized the staff with a game of twenty questions about what would be safest for a baby who liked art. When Andy asked if he could pick up from art supplies for Ashley he was thrilled.

The paint was given to Andy and he tried to slip CC the money though he declined. Thank you was enough to please the drummer.

Ashley struggled to get the box open and held it up to CC. “EE,” he nattered.

CC gave him a loving look as he took the box and opened it. He handed the box back and watched as Ashley pulled out the pink crayon. Andy brought in a pad of paper he usually sketched on and lay it down on the floor where Ashley was sitting. They both watched as Ashley scribbled on the paper.

“What did you guys do today?” CC asked.

Andy was seated on the floor close to Ashley. “We had a bubble bath. Uncle Jinxx and uncle Jake came over with Tylenol because Ashley’s gums were swollen. He can hold onto the coffee table and shuffle back and forth. We tried vegan baby food which was terrible. Ashley played with his panda and had a nap. Then we snacked and watched Disney movies until you got here,” he said.

“Andy,” Ashley chirped cheerfully as he pointed to the paper covered in pink scribbles.

CC was shocked and in awe by Ashley’s word. “When did he start saying your name?” he asked.

“Today. He has a few other words in the process. Can you tell uncle CC some of your words panda?”

Ashley dropped his crayon and looked at CC. He pointed to his teeth and made a pouty face.

Andy figured they would have a repeat episode of sore gums. He got up to walk to the kitchen to grab the Tylenol and a teething ring from the freezer. While he was gone Ashley babbled through his words and CC praised him.

“Do you want to try the teething ring, or do you want Tylenol too?” Andy asked as he sat back down on the floor.

CC watched the interaction between the two. He was impressed that from Ashley’s limited language and pointing that they communicated so fluently. The baby pointed then tapped his mouth indicating that he wanted both. Andy got the syringe filled with Tylenol and Ashley opened his mouth to take the medicine. The baby made a disgusted face and Andy handed him the sippy cup off the coffee table. CC couldn’t believe how natural Andy was at taking care of baby Ashley. Once the sippy cup was handed over, the younger man leaned over and made kissy lips. Their brief little kiss was cute and comforting then Andy gave the teething ring to Ashley to chew on.

Ashley chewed and sucked on the frozen ring for a moment then crawled over to Andy.

“You’re really good at this,” CC complimented.

Andy helped Ashley stand up. One little hand gripped his while the other held the teething ring. “It’s because I know this is my boyfriend in baby form. I would do anything for Ashley. It’s a learning experience but I think we are close enough as a couple that we can figure this out together,” Andy said confidently.

“If anyone could go through this kind of trial and make it, I know it would be you two,” CC said.

Ashley liked what CC said and handed his teething ring to Andy for a moment. His hand covered his mouth and he blew a kiss. He was quickly demanding his teething ring back after the adorable gesture.

“That means a lot, CC,” Andy said sincerely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was more insight into Andy and Ashley's views of each other.  
> Also, more trials for the couple to over come!  
> I hope everyone enjoys! I am posting now so I can spend the rest of my weekend off getting the next chapter started.  
> Happy reading!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All aboard the emotional roller-coaster!

Jinxx stormed out of the bedroom in a fit of rage.

He went to the kitchen sink to start the dishes and ignored Jake’s presence. Even as a body pressed against his and hugged him tight, it didn’t stop the anger or tears. It didn’t change how he felt.

“Talk to me,” Jake begged.

Jinxx kept ignoring Jake because he could. He didn’t expect his best friend to understand. How could he? All he did was complain and make everything complicated. He didn’t want to talk about his feelings or what was bothering him. He wanted to be the stubborn one for once and annoy Jake. He didn’t care if he was crying as he washed the dishes or that Jake was attached to him like a baby opossum.

Jake had to much pride to leave Jinxx alone. “What did you mean when you said you made a mistake?” he pried.

“I don’t want to talk. Why don’t you understand that?” Jinxx threw back.

The hug got tighter as Jake buried his face into Jinxx’s hair. He could feel the rise and fall of his friend’s chest; he longed to wipe away the tears. “Jeremy, don’t shut me out. I want to understand,” he replied.

There was a knock on the door and Jinxx sighed. He let the plate he was washing sink back into the water. He tried to will his tears to stop. Jake didn’t move and pressed a kiss to Jinxx’s neck. The moment of affection made him feel worse, his wet hands went to untangle their embrace, and Jake sighed in frustration.

“You need to stop crying,” Jake said softly. Jinxx turned around which allowed him a moment to wipe away some of the tears for his friend. “When you’re ready to talk we’ll talk. I’m sorry for you know, pushing you to talk when you clearly don’t want too.”

Jinxx gave him a weak smile and caressed Jake’s cheek. “I promise we’ll talk later. Now, go let our friends in before they get drenched,” he said.

“What the hell took you so long?” CC snapped when Jake opened the front door.

Andy readjusted Ashley on his hip as he stepped inside. CC looked like a drown rat because he forfeited his sweater to keep the baby dry. They all stripped out of their damp sweaters and shoes before making their way into the living room.

“Ashley could have got a chill,” CC lectured.

Jake rolled his eyes and offered the drummer a towel to dry his hair. “I was looking for a place to order lunch,” he added.

CC scowled and accepted the offer of a towel.

Andy made a minor fuss over Ashley and dug in his backpack for his panda stuffie. The baby hugged his toy and didn’t make a peep. They were having a hectic day since they both slept in. Ashley had been in a snuggling mood which had them running behind as they tried to get to Jinxx and Jake’s house by noon. There was aching gums and Ashley whining that he didn’t want his hair pulled into a ponytail. Andy humored him and left his hair down.

“He’s quiet,” CC stated matter-of-factly.

Ashley flicked his bangs out of his face and scowled.

Andy came to the rescue by pulling his boyfriend’s bangs back into a tiny ponytail. “We weren’t exactly ready to get up were we, Ash?” Andy asked the baby.

The baby gave a small smile and hugged his panda lovingly. “Yah!” he chirped.

Jinxx snuck into the living room and sat down with the others. Andy noticed right away that his eyes were bloodshot causing him to be concerned.  Jake eventually came into the room to sit down too. Ashley however clued in right away and pointed to Jinxx.

“In ad?” he asked looking concerned.

Jinxx ignored the question and proceeded to talk about what they should order for lunch.

-

“Common Jinxxy,” Ashley said crossing his legs and getting comfortable on his couch.

He knew that Jinxx was in a sad mood and it had something to do with either them or Jake. The way his blue eyes were brighter against the red backdrop of his pupils made his eyes look beautiful in a depressing way. Ashley wanted to hug him and tell him that everything would work out. If anyone deserved to feel loved and supported, it was Jinxx who selflessly gave everyone stability.

He continued to be ignored and he finally let it go. No amount of pointing and questioning would phase Jinxx who was listing off places they could eat. Ashley crossed his arms over his chest and stuck his tongue out.

“Fine, all I know is you helped me feel better. I owe you,” Ashley grumbled.

-

“Why do you have your tongue out goofball?” Andy asked giving Ashley an odd look.

Ashley pulled his tongue back into his mouth and shrugged his shoulders. He didn’t mean to have his tongue out; his internal self was the one sticking his tongue out and being bratty.

“Probably has a cat hair in his mouth,” Jake teased.

That made Jinxx laugh and he finally settled into his normal self. He was determined to get food since CC started complaining he was about to empty their kitchen if they didn’t order food soon. They agreed on Chinese food and waited for the food to be delivered.

“Wait, what’s Ashley eating?” CC asked. Since his night spent hanging out with Andy and Ashley, he started to naturally find his own parenting instinct.

Andy cuddled Ashley in his arms and tried to pull the panda away to tease him. “It’s all good. I can easily pick out stuff he can eat. I might have also been late because I was making noodles,” Andy chuckled.

Ashley loved hearing the word noodles and easily surrendered the toy. His made grabby hands and tapped his mouth excitedly. That was one of his favorite finger foods to share with Andy. They were running out of bow tie noodles and had to open the box of seashells next. Ashley lived on pasta and Andy had no complaints, they had a huge supply of noodles in their pantry.

“Does Ashes want noodles? I want noodles! Should we have a picnic?” Andy asked in a sing song voice.

The baby was overjoyed and nattered Andy’s name and yah on repeat.

CC offered to get the Tupperware container of noodles from Andy’s backpack. He didn’t want to see Ashley disturbed from his lounging position in Andy’s arms. “Look what I have dickhead!” CC hollered.

Jake leaned over the side of his armchair and slapped CC upside the head. The drummer yelped over the assault. “Don’t use that language around the baby. I don’t care if it is Ashley in there you are not talking like that to a child in my house,” Jake said grumpily.

“You hit me!” CC yelled.

Jinxx rolled his blue eyes. He wanted to remind Jake that the day before he called Ashley an adorable little shit. Which was more of a compliment than CC’s comment. It was a nickname the drummer used to reference most guys he was friends with and Ashley wouldn’t take offense. He agreed with Jake though, it wasn’t the kind of language he wanted used around a baby in his house. “Chuppy, I don’t like that language either. Wait until Ashley is back to normal to call him that, okay?” Jinxx asked sweetly.

“Fine,” CC shot back.

Ashley made grabby hands when he saw the Tupperware container of noodles. His face lit up and he kicked his legs excitedly. “EE! Oodle,” he said joyously.

CC’s frown turned upside down over Ashley’s elation for noodles.

“You can feed him if you want,” Andy offered. He adjusted the baby on his knee to allow him to sit up more. He gave CC a welcoming look and waited to see what he would do.

“I mean he likes you best,” CC said somwhat shocked by the offer even though Ashley was giving him the sign. The complete go ahead to give him the food he desired.

Andy knew that CC was right. Ashley was fond of one person taking care of him but in the case of noodles, he was sure he could be swayed to accept CC. “I’m going to be picking through lunch to feed him. If you could taper off his hunger a bit that would be helpful,” Andy admitted.

They were all forgetting Ashley could handle finger foods by himself. Ashley decided not to make a fuss over who handed him food. If they wanted to baby him he would allow it. His small hands accepted the food CC gave him and he talked happily in between about it. He offered the odd noodle to Andy then tried to give one back to CC who kindly declined. There was only minimal pouting over the rejection and he was back to eating.

They talked casually about everyday things. Jinxx was busy enlightening everyone about gothic literature while Jake tried to silence him. Andy kept asking questions to further the conversation and irritate Jake. CC poked fun at anything he could laugh at while Ashley screeched along trying to be part of their conversation. The whole living room was bustling with their voices like they were back on tour.

“Ashley do you want some peach?” Jake asked as he tried to find any way out of the current conservation.

The baby didn’t want fruit, he was quite content when Andy told CC to give him cheese cubes.

Jake thanked whatever dark power answered his prayers to be taken away from Jinxx’s boring topic when the food finally arrived. He didn’t even care that it was his credit card being charged. He brought back the giant bag of food and proceeded to change the topic to food. CC hardly let him put the bag down onto the table before he handed the Tupperware container of cheese over the Andy.

“I’m starving!”

Ashley glared and then looked up at Andy who shared a similar look.

“Do you want anymore?” Andy asked. When the baby replied no, he put the lid onto the container and placed it back in his backpack.

Jinxx scolded CC and helped Jake spread the food out onto the coffee table. Everyone was grabbing their cartons of food and getting settled. Andy waited, he picked Ashley up and decided to sit on the floor to make it easier to pick out vegetables from his stir-fry.

“Andy?” Ashley questioned when they sat down on the floor.

The younger boy sat cross legged and placed Ashley down in front of him. “See, nothing to worry about. It’ll be easier to hand you things,” Andy clarified.

“Uh?” Ashley asked pointing to the edge of the coffee table.

Andy picked up his carton of food. “No, sit down and I’ll give you food,” he said.

Ashley didn’t say anything else. He waited patiently while Andy opened his carton of food and picked around it with a fork. There seemed to be quite the search until he skewered a small piece of broccoli and showed it to Ashley.

“Yah,” Ashley said clapping his hands together.

Andy offered him the piece of broccoli and Ashley opened his mouth ready for the food being offered. He fed the baby then found a piece of food for himself. It was a simple trade off. Everyone else was done by the time they were half way through the carton. Ashley intended to get all the food he could from Andy.

“Do you want a spring roll?” Jinxx asked.

Ashley yelled an affirmed answer and held his hand out waiting.

“Ugh, I just finished giving your half my stir fry now you want my spring roll?” Andy grumbled. It was impossible to say no when Ashley decided to pout and look like a lost puppy. “You’re being manipulative.”

-

Ashley grinned deviously.

He was taking advantage of his cuteness to sway Andy into things. It worked in his favor which meant he could abuse his power just a bit longer. Once he was adult sized again, it would be Andy pouting and getting his way.

“I am aware of that, Andy. Think of it as revenge for all the times I never got to eat my spring roll or left overs when we had takeout. All's fair in love and war,” Ashley gloated.

-

Even though he had to share, Andy didn’t mind. The small being that sat in front of him was content and not crying. That was all he wanted. Anytime Ashley started to cry or become distressed about something made him anxious. Andy knew if it was enough to make his boyfriend scream until he was red in the face and cry it was not only important but the only way he could communicate what was going on. Ashley didn’t always have words or obvious signs and crying was the only answer.

Being grumpy was a new thing for baby Ashley who was not interested in going to bed, waking up, or having his hair pulled back. He screeched angrily as if a warning when he didn’t want to do something. He made Andy work extra hard to dress him and acted even crankier over taking the Tylenol for his gums. His mood was teetering between sweet and sinister today.

“Andy” Ashley said handing back the last piece of spring roll they had split between them. His offer was greatly accepted, and Andy took the piece of food back.

“I have a question about the night Ashley stayed with you,” Andy said more to CC though he welcomed input from everyone in the room. “You told me that Ashley got drunk with you and fell off a stool. Can you tell me what happened after that? When did you discovered he was a baby?”

CC cleared his throat and took a moment to collect himself. That night was a blur to him, he could remember Jinxx stopping by to check in. That wasn’t relevant since Ashley was still an adult when Jinxx came by. He had some answers for Andy though. “After Ashley fell off the chair, he lay on my kitchen floor bawling and wanting to go home. He kept saying he wanted you and no one else. He was being a spaz. So, I let him cry it out. I couldn’t call you with him in that state. He was drunk and crying. Ashley ran himself hoarse and I put him to bed. He slept in my room and in the morning, I heard him crying. That’s when I discovered he was a baby,” CC said.

Jinxx looked a little uncomfortable and fidgeted with a piece of his hair.

“Is there anything else? Minor details or things Ashley might have done?”

CC couldn’t recall anything else. He noticed Jinxx’s behavior and wondered why he was acting weird- not that he didn’t act like that normally though this was unusual even for him.

Jake took notice too and reached his hand out. They didn’t hide their platonic relationship from their friends. They held hands and cuddled all the time around them. Linking their fingers together seemed to ease whatever tension Jinxx was feeling and calmed him down. Jake assumed it was their constant fighting and Ashley’s questioning if he was sad. It meant their friends were aware of their problems.

“What about when you guys were with me? Did I say or do anything stupid?” Andy said quizzically.

Ashley crawled into Andy’s lap and made himself comfortable. He wanted to hear every word in hopes an answer was floating listlessly amongst other facts.

Jinxx looked up through his black hair at Andy. The younger man’s blue eyes bore holes into him and his expression begged for answers. Jinxx breathed out nervously. “I don’t remember anything specific. You and Jake drank a bottle of vodka. You wanted me to call Ashley and tell him that you loved him. Then I put you to bed. Unless Jake has anything to add that’s all I have for information,” Jinxx said looking to Jake.

“I can’t remember a damn thing aside from screaming at you,” Jake blurted.

“Why were you guys screaming at each other?” CC asked.

All eyes were on Jake and Jinxx.

Jinxx’s cheeks burned and his eyes itched. He tightened his grip on Jake’s hand. He couldn’t explain to his friends what was wrong. They were not prepared for this. Jake wasn’t prepared either. Jake took the lead and answered on behalf of them. “We had a dispute about us now fucking drop it,” Jake threatened.

Ashley jumped at the outburst and Andy hugged him tightly.

“I meant no disrespect,” CC said holding up his hands defensively.

Andy looked uneasy as he cradled the baby in his arms. He cooed quietly to him to ease his tension. “I wanted to ask one more thing if it isn’t to much bother,” Andy said meekly.

“Of course, Andy what is your question?” Jinxx asked. His expression softened as he waited for Andy to present his question.

The younger man didn’t know if he wanted to ask now. Jake was on edge and ready to fight whoever talked down to Jinxx. “When you put me to bed you told me I had to remember something because it was important. I don’t remember what you told me,” Andy said.

-

Ashley went wide eyed.

What was Andy talking about? Why was Jinxx so emotional? Why was Jake being defensive?

There was a lot of talking but not a whole lot a clarity. Nothing new for him to hear that Andy didn’t already have jotted down. He knew his night with CC was additional information though it didn’t provide much of a link.

Ashley’s fingers rubbed at his temples as he tried to focus. There was a link somewhere and what they did that night was linked by an event. A similar occurrence that would have set karma off. “It’s not the time of night, Andy was asleep before me. It could have been the weather. The only other possible connection is our friends,” Ashley said aloud.

He groaned in frustration. Their friends had nothing to do with this, other taking care of them. He felt disgusted with himself for even letting the thought cross his mind.

Jinxx was stressed out because of Jake. They were dealing with their own problems. A kiss that probably wasn’t meant to happen and now it was causing a riff in their otherwise normal lives. “We each have a riff in our lives right now,” Ashley whispered.

-

“I told you to wait for Ashley to contact you,” Jinxx said.

Andy let the answer sink in. He still didn’t feel happy with that answer even if it was more information than he had when he woke up two days ago. “Oh, well I did listen to you,” Andy said.

Jinxx nodded and went back to focusing on Jake who seemed to be fuming. He whispered under his breath for his partner to calm down. He wanted everyone to return to casual conversations instead of being on edge.

“Ah,” Ashley said loudly drawing everyone’s attention to Jinxx’s cat who walked through the room.

Ashley’s excitement about the cat made everyone feel more at ease.

Jinxx pried his hand from Jake’s to pick up Dexter. He scooped up the cat and got up from his chair to sit next to Andy.

“Gentle,” Andy said as he sat the baby down on Jinxx’s knee. He knew he didn’t need to tell Ashley to be gentle it was more directed at the cat.

Ashley grinned and gently pet the cat in Jinxx’s arms.

Jinxx knew the other two cats might pluck up some courage and be social too. Dexter loved attention and purred. He let go of the cat to grab the quilt off the couch arm. If the cats saw him with the quilt they would all come out of hiding to sit with him. Soon there were two cats and Ashley was nestled between them. His small hands were carded in their fur as he talked to them the best he could.

Andy’s mood was starting to sour as he started to crave nicotine. He made a promise to quit and he knew Ashley was watching every cigarette he pulled from the pack. He started to ration them, he was down to one a day. Andy was becoming anxious over the five remaining cigarettes. He knew he had five and Ashley most definitely knew too as his little ‘racoon’ hands managed to grab the pack from him. Ashley got that smug look on his face whenever Andy went to smoke because each cigarette was one step closer to quitting.

He didn’t realize he was scowling until Jake asked what was wrong.

“I want to smoke,” Andy said gruffly.

The baby looked up from the pile of cats. Andy could imagine the tone Ashley would have as he pointed out the obvious.

“Don’t you dare make a peep,” Andy warned Ashley who started to grin in his know it all way.

CC found humor in Andy’s suffering and was aware of the promise he made about his smoking. “Be nice to your boyfriend. You’re the one who promised that was your last pack,” he taunted.

“You shouldn’t be smoking around the baby anyways,” Jinxx added.

Andy clenched his jaw and tried to keep his cool. He didn’t need Ashley, CC, and Jinxx nattering in his ear about his smoking. He was aware it was a bad habit. No one needed to tell him how unhealthy he was being. He decided that being quiet was his best choice as he was in the kind of mood to scream.

“I want Starbucks,” Jake said. He stood up from his chair and looked at everyone in the room. “Jinxxy, do you want coffee or something sweet?” he asked.

Jinxx put in his order as well as CC.

“Andy, why don’t you come with me? You can have a smoke and help me with the coffees,” Jake said giving Andy an out. He understood what it felt like to crave something and be miserable. Plus, he deserved a break from taking care of Ashley even if it was for half an hour.

Ashley’s brown eyes got big and his lip quivered over the suggestion. He was on the verge of tears which made CC’s heart break.

“Oh, Ash it’s okay. You can’t be sad while sitting in a pile of cats,” Jinxx said trying to make the baby feel better.

CC grabbed the panda sitting on the couch and offered it to Ashley who hugged the stuffed toy to his chest, right under his chin. He was gearing up to cry and make a fuss. Andy could tell by the way he was breathing he was going to start soon.

Andy hated that Ashley was being manipulative. He dropped his panda and put his tattooed hands up in the air then kept asking to be picked up. His lip quivered as he breathed in frantically. Ashley didn’t act like this as an adult, he would cry and either accept comfort or fight over it until he gave into the hug. This was purely over trust and Andy considered it a set back. It wasn’t like he was leaving Ashley alone at the apartment. “You’re fine. It’s pouring outside, and you need a nap,” Andy said softening his look.

“Has he always been a master of crocodile tears?” CC teased.

Ashley started to squeak as his brown eyes welled with tears.

-

“Don’t leave me, please don’t leave me here alone.”

Ashley was becoming anxious as he hugged his legs tight against his chest. He didn’t want to be left alone even if he was with Jinxx and CC. He couldn’t handle the idea of being apart from Andy after everything that happened.

“I don’t want to be alone! Pick me up! I don’t want you to go. Please don’t go,” Ashley pleaded.

His eyes were starting to burn. He couldn’t hold back the tears welling in his eyes and they started to slowly roll down his cheeks. His baby form made little protests because he couldn’t even bring himself to say Andy’s name he was that upset.

“I want you to stay,” Ashley wailed.

-

“Look at me Ashes,” Andy said lovingly. He was not in the mood because his nicotine craving was making him irritable. Ashley’s fussing wouldn’t bother him if he wasn’t on edge. “I love you so much, baby. I’m not going to be gone long. I’ll bring you back something, okay?” he said trying to reason with the small being. Andy leaned down and pecked a kiss to Ashley’s quivering lips before he got up to leave.

When the front door slammed shut, Ashley cried.

He wasn’t screaming only whimpering about being left behind. The cats sat up to stare at the small human that was upset. CC picked him up and tried to cuddle him in his arms only to be met with resistance. Ashley squirmed and pushed his hands hard against CC’s chest.

“O, EE!” he yelled as he kept twisting in the drummer’s arms.

CC regretted picking Ashley up and his patience was gone. “Jinxx take the brat,” CC said. He hardly gave Jinxx a chance to turn around before he handed the baby over to him.

“O! O O O,” Ashley was becoming louder as he tried his crocodile roll in Jinxx’s arms. He didn’t expect his friend to forcefully hug him tight against his chest. No matter how hard his small limbs tried to move they couldn’t. In a moment of pure brattiness, he grabbed Jinxx’s hair and pulled it.

“You can pull my hair all you want. I am not letting go of you until you calm down,” Jinxx said softly. He hummed and didn’t give into the tantrum. Jinxx closed his eyes as he concentrated on being patient. He understood Ashley was having anxiety over Andy leaving. He didn’t blame him for feeling that way. The last time they were separated Ashley turned into a baby. “It’s okay wiggle worm. Sh, I know you want Andy. He’ll be back soon,” Jinxx said.

“I’m sorry I called you a brat,” CC said feeling guilty.

Ashley sniffled. He met his match with Jinxx who was equally as stubborn. He was starting to get tired and he felt bad that he was pulling Jinxx’s hair. Ashley released the hair in his hands and buried his face into the guitarist’s chest.

“I’m not mad at you little one,” Jinxx hummed.

-

Ashley wiped his eyes. He couldn’t believe he yelled at CC then pulled Jinxx’s hair all because he was upset. His friends were trying to make him feel better over the separation anxiety.

“I don’t want to be alone. What if he never comes back? What if he dies?” he stammered. He was starting to get worked up again.

-

Jinxx rubbed his back and tried to get him to calm down. He kept humming a lullaby as he started to sway. “Sh, I’m here. Do you want your panda?” he whispered lovingly.

“Yah,” Ashley said into Jinxx’ chest. He didn’t lift his head instead he was wallowing in pity. The panda bear was handed to the baby even if he wouldn’t look away from his hiding place. Ashley stayed snuggled against Jinxx’s chest and held his favorite toy.

CC excused himself to the bathroom leaving Jinxx and Ashley alone.

“I’m sorry,” Jinxx said.

The apology drew the baby’s attention and he sat back in Jinxx’s arms. He hugged his panda and stared at his friend. He babbled a bit until he was noticed.

“I can’t lie to you anymore. I used a Latin spell to teach you guys a lesson,” Jinxx admitted. He couldn’t keep the secret buried any longer. He wasn’t expecting Ashley to get turned into a baby, he expected that the old spell would teach them how to appreciate each other. Something tamer like an epiphany. Because of his spell, Andy’s words became true and Ashley became a baby. Ashley’s voice was taken from him and they were forced to communicate with each other. Andy was responsible to hear Ashley and take care of him. The curse found a way to teach them a lesson.

-

“You?!”

Ashley sat up on the velvet couch and made his baby form stare angrily at Jinxx. He was lost for words as anger coursed through his veins. He could hardly sit still he was shaking from the betrayal.

“YOU! You put me here! You god damn fucking had me turned into a baby!!”

His baby form screamed in anger and flailed. He loved his stuffed panda, but it was time to throw it. He was done. He’d been tested one to many times in the last few days. His baby form kicked and hit as he got free of the arms wrapped around him. He didn’t want Jinxx to touch him. Not after admitting that to him. His whole goal was to get away from Jinxx and crawl away.

“I HAVE TO SHIT MY PANTS!” he screamed stomping his foot hard against the floor. The golden glow of the light started to dim, and he realized he needed to calm down a bit before he was plunged into darkness.

All of Ashley’s being was angry and devastated. His heart hurt in his chest over the admission. Sure, Jinxx was being honest that he put a curse on them. The fact that he couldn’t tell Andy what was wrong or that Jinxx did this made his anxiety worse. Jinxx was telling him because he was to small to do anything but cry.

“I don’t want this. I want to be normal again and fix things with Andy,” he said through his tears of anger. “I would have talked to Andy when we calmed down. I wanted to tell him how he made me feel. You had no right to get involved or take my words away from me.”

-

Jinxx released the tiny spitfire in his arms. He feared with all of Ashley's fighting the baby might get hurt. He watched Ashley crawl a few feet away and sit down on the floor. He was screaming and crying. He was angry and Jinxx knew it was his fault. “It wasn’t like I intentionally picked a spell that would turn you into a baby. It was supposed to teach you guys appreciation. Come here, Ash. I promise I’ll make you feel better,” he said opening his arms to the angry infant.

Baby Ashley didn’t want to be held and crawled towards the bathroom. He would wait for CC. If he couldn’t have Andy, he'd settle for CC and hope his friend could protect him. He crawled quickly when he heard Jinxx get up and slowly walk behind him.

“I’m going to pick you up,” Jinxx warned. He bent down to pick up the baby only to be met with a hard slap which had him withdrawing his hand quickly.

“NO!” Ashley yelled clearly.

Jinxx backed away. Ashley now had a powerful word as he resumed his escape down the hallway. The screaming and crying didn’t stop which made Jinxx worry. He didn’t like the idea of the baby being this upset. He wanted to talk to Ashley about what happened and reassure him that it was only a matter of time before he returned to an adult. Instead, Jinxx felt defeated as he returned to the living room. He sank into Jake’s armchair and buried his face into his hands.

Ashley crawled down the hall until he reached the bathroom. He sat outside the door crying. He screamed as loud as he physically could. He waved his arms and kicked his legs as he made a scene. He couldn’t say another word he was to upset over Jinxx’s spell.

CC was cursing in the bathroom as he washed his hands and opened the door. He was met by the sight of Ashley red in the face as he cried. His tattooed arms reached up and he bounced a little to hint he wanted up. “What’s wrong, Ashy?” CC asked in his usual cheerful voice as he picked up his friend. He swayed and kept asking what was wrong. He wondered if Ashley needed a diaper change since he ate his weight in food. CC was willing to change a diaper if it would help the baby calm down. “Did you make a poopy? We can change your diaper if you made poppy,” CC teased lightly.

-

“I didn’t crap my pants you idiot!” Ashley yelled. “Why is everything a joke to you?”

The golden glow of the spot light was becoming dim and the darkness was creeping closer to the couch. Ashley’s separation anxiety, anger, and fear of the dark were all against him right now. He wanted to keep the darkness at bay and the only way he could do that was to calm down. It was hard being calm when he was exhausted. He was emotionally, physically, and mentally tired.

His feelings hurt. No one was hearing him or understanding his cries today. He wanted them to understand that he was having anxiety. Ashley’s hands shook as he buried them into his hair. He breathed in slowly as he tried to calm himself. He needed to get the darkness to recede and the spot light back to normal. He couldn’t be rational if he was fearing himself or the dark.

-

CC kept swaying Ashley as they walked back into the living room. He went to get Andy’s backpack to grab the soother. He hoped he could silence Ashley while he figured out what was wrong. “Are you tired? Andy said you needed a nap,” CC asked.

“He’s cranky,” Jinxx said not looking up from his hands.

Ashley was still screaming and crying even with CC swaying him. His fight was gone physically but not vocally. He was nearly hyperventilating he was gasping that much through his tantrum. His small hands gripped CC’s shirt because he didn’t have his panda or blanket.

“I think you’re tired. Let’s get your soother and blanket,” CC said in his baby voice. He bopped the baby in his arms. He grabbed a seat on the couch to allow himself a chance to grab the soother with ease. Once it was in his grasp he showed it to Ashley and tried to put it in his mouth. The baby was resistant and clamped his mouth shut. CC held the soother out as an offer.

Jinxx gained some courage to look up at Ashley and CC only for the baby to start screaming bloody murder again. He looked away and focused on his chipping nail polish.

CC continued baby talking Ashley and waited for him to take the soother. The baby didn’t make a move for it instead he was content holding CC’s shirt in his hands while he melted down. The drummer tried to bounce Ashley on his knee only to be met with more anger. “Are you ever grumpy. Should we watch for Andy? Would that make you feel better?” CC asked.

“NOOO!” screamed the baby between his sobs. He looked up at CC with a sad look.

“He learned that word today,” Jinxx said still picking at his nails.

-

Ashley didn’t like that Jinxx was talking. He didn’t want him talking at all because whatever else he had to say probably had to do with his stupid Latin spell. He was to angry to hear about it any further. Then there was CC trying to force his soother into his mouth or make him look out the window.

The spot light was slowly chasing the darkness away and Ashley knew he had to keep himself as calm as possible. Once his anxiety got out of hand he would be plummeted into darkness. He could feel CC’s hand rubbing his back as he kept trying to reason with him.

“I need to stop being mad. CC is trying to find me words,” Ashley said to himself. He was starting to be rational and think about his actions. He had a feeling his tantrums were going to hold him back from becoming an adult again. As he started to calm down he intended to make things right with Jinxx even if he breached his trust. He was too upset to stop crying though.

He forced his baby form to relax more into the hold his friend had on him and leeched his warmth. He was going to scream himself hoarse because that was the only way he was going to get all his anger out. He needed Jinxx to tell Andy about the spell or find his own way to tell Andy. He needed to be calm to use his crayons when he got home.

-

CC was making ridiculous sounds as he rocked him. He had Ashley cradled in his arms and the panda was now back in the baby’s hands. Both men let the baby cry it out. They both knew they couldn’t make Ashley feel better until Andy returned. It was a waiting game and both of them hoped the baby would lose his voice or fall asleep.

“My god what are you guys doing to that baby?” Jake yelled as he entered the house.

Andy was through the door in a second and put the tray of coffees on coffee table. He didn’t even bother taking off his wet shoes. The distressed cries of his boyfriend had him prying the screaming baby from CC’s arms. Ashley’s legs kicked, and his arms waved angrily as he made it clear he was there and wanted to be heard. Andy started to pace around the living room. “I know I left you but I’m back now. I bought you raspberry lemonade and a cookie. Oh, I hear you and I know I was greedy wanting to smoke. I’m down to four cigarettes now. Ashley, it’s okay baby,” Andy said lovingly as he held Ashley against his chest. He smothered Ashley’s face with kisses and continued to pace around the living room.

“What did you guys do to Ashley?” Jake asked handing out the coffees and sitting down on the arm of his chair. Jinxx leaned his head against his friend’s arm and tried not to start crying himself. He felt guilty for being the main reason Ashley was upset.

CC shrugged, “He’s been bawling since you guys left. He’s yelling no now too.”

“You almost said mine yesterday and now you’re saying no? I’m proud of you,” Andy said. No amount of praise or kisses calmed Ashley down. Andy swayed the way his boyfriend liked him to move and he sensed it was something more than toothaches or separation anxiety. “Let’s go home, panda. We'll have a nap,” Andy said looking at his boyfriend with sympathy.

Jake offered to put the lemonade in Ashley’s sippy cup while CC started to pack any of the things he took from the backpack when he tried comforting the baby. Jinxx sat silently in the chair and didn’t touch his hot chocolate.

“I’m going to head home too,” CC said getting his damp sweater wrapped around his thin frame. He needed to get away from all the drama. He picked up Ashley’s sweater and assisted Andy in getting the baby ready to go outside into the rain. Ashley didn’t like the idea of his panda bear being taken and he started yelling no at CC.

Andy lightly remind him to cooperate then the bear was returned. He pressed more kisses to Ashley’s damp cheeks even if that didn’t change the circumstances. He was starting to worry that the baby had a stomachache from all the food he ate. Andy pulled up Ashley’s hood and said his goodbyes. He thanked Jinxx and Jake for having them over then ventured out into the rain with Ashley still screaming as much as he could. CC followed with the coffees and backpack.

Back inside the house Jake was dumbfounded by what happened. He could feel Jinxx’s shoulders shaking as he leaned against him. “You need to start talking to me,” he said softly.

“You won’t understand. You’ll be mad when I explain it,” Jinxx said sniffling. He was done, he couldn’t carry the weight of his guilt anymore. His heart was starting to constrict in his chest as he spoke. He needed to be honest. Jake was always there for him when he got weighed down by everyone’s problems.

Jake wrapped his arm sound Jinxx’s shoulders and gave him a squeeze. “If it is about me, I’m really sorry that I’ve been bugging you a lot lately. I like you a lot, Jeremy. This is becoming complicated. You know it, I know it,” he whispered.

“It’s not you. I want to sort things out though and when Ashley is normal again we’ll talk about us. I did something that hurt Ashley,” Jinxx said.

“What did you do to Ashley?”

Jinxx could feel Jake’s hand growing increasingly tight on his arm. He knew anything regarding Ashley in baby form had Jake on high alert. The situation was sensitive and had to be treated respectfully. Jinxx understood Jake’s concerns for baby Ashley and they all wanted the best for him. It didn’t make admitting his guilt any easier though. “I’m going to be honest. I put an old Latin spell on Andy and Ashley to teach them a lesson. I didn’t know it would turn Ash into a baby. It was supposed to teach them how to appreciate each other. I got the idea before I met up with you and Andy. It’s simple, all you need to do is light a candle, say the spell, then blow the flame out. I performed the spell the way I always do,” he said softly.

“Like you always do? What the hell does that mean?” Jake asked staring at Jinxx with a shocked look.

Jinxx looked up at Jake to find a look of pure confusion. “I sometimes do Latin spells. It’s not a big deal usually. This spell required me to light the candle and say the spell around both lovers. Then I told Andy what I did even though he was drunk. I thought they would talk and realize that their words had an impact upon each other instead it made Andy’s words true. I can’t keep lying or being around Ashley knowing my meddling is why he is a baby. I told him when you guys went for coffee and he lost it,” Jinxx said between sobs.

“Have you put spells on me?” Jake said nervously. He couldn’t stop himself from asking. Knowing that Jinxx would do that to Andy and Ashley meant he would likely do it to him.

“No, I wouldn’t do that to you,” Jinxx lied.

Jake breathed out a shaky breath and gave Jinxx a kiss on the forehead. He wanted to be mad at Jinxx but this was probably one of the most ingenious things he ever did. This spell would make Andy and Ashley appreciate each other. It was hard to be mad when those two would finally learn a lesson. “So, what was the spell? What did it mean?” Jake asked.

“Amantium irae, amoris integration est, was the spell. It translates to ‘the anger of lovers is what brings love together’. It made sense and I thought I was doing the right thing,” Jinxx said. He wanted Jake to make it better. He needed his strength, so he could tell Andy and apologize properly to Ashley.

“Why do you do Latin spells?”

Jinxx shrugged. He didn’t want to tell Jake about the spell he put on him. It would probably ruin their friendship and chance at a relationship if he knew. Jinxx would light a candle and whisper the words ‘amor platonicus’ then blow out the candle. It sealed their platonic relationship. It was the safe way of not becoming Andy and Ashley. The spell never stuck because Jake’s feelings and longing would wear the spell down and Jinxx’s kiss would unseal the spell. It was a non-stop battle with Jake’s pining and Jinxx’s inability to stay strong. He sometimes did spells to inspire himself or strengthen his patience. He found the ritual Latin spells in an old book Jake bought him. It had been a birthday gift with a bunch of old books he wanted. It was tucked in the box of first editions and Jake never thought twice as he wrapped the books. Jinxx believed it was fate that the book ended up in his possession and he too was supposed to learn a lesson. Jake was patiently waiting for an answer. “I use them to get inspired or grant me patience when I’m stressed out. After this whole ordeal I’m going to stop,” Jinxx said honestly.

“I think that’s a good plan. We need to tell Andy though. Ashley was freaking out and that’s not fair to either of them. None of us had the right to interfere with their relationship problems even if they dragged us all into it,” Jake said.

That’s what made it harder for Jinxx to tell their friends about the spell. He had his hand in this from the moment Ashley came to his house and he responded to Andy’s texts. He used Jake and CC as his golden ticket to get him near Andy and Ashley. He had no right to put a spell on them or drag CC and Jake into it. They were the innocent ones who were sent out to take care of their friends. They were guilty for opening the door and letting Jinxx in. Ashley would probably hold a grudge until he got over the anger and Andy would never trust him again. If he had a way to reverse the spell he would perform it but much like his own spell between Jake and him, it eventually weakened.

“Why don’t you go get comfortable in bed and I’ll warm up your hot chocolate,” Jake suggested. He didn’t want to push the topic further. He had the answers he wanted and could finally relax. They would devise a plan for the next day.

Jinxx was released from the comforting hug and he made his way to their bedroom. He didn’t like that Jake was giving him such an easy out. He didn’t deserve to be treated with such love. He couldn’t let Jake fall because if they fell they risked losing each other. When he stepped into their bedroom it all came into perspective. Everything was theirs, there wasn’t really anything in that room that was distinctively Jake’s aside from clothes. They bought everything to furnish their house together. It was their bed, their life, and the only thing that stood out was the black candle on Jinxx’s bedside table. It drew him in and his mind urged him to put things right.

He couldn’t allow Jake to feel the freedom to love him. Loving him meant tolerating all his faults. No one could truly love someone who liked spiders and dusty old books. No one could love him because he was weird and out of place. The girls that said they loved him were only interested in him because he was in a band not because they wanted to know him. No one wanted to listen to him talk, that was why he stayed clear of people’s judgments. His friends and family loved him and that was enough. It seemed like enough even when Jake’s feelings radiated like the sun through their home. Jinxx preached platonic love even when his own heart ached for more.

Jinxx sat down on his side of the bed and looked at the black candle. It had served many purposes from lighting their room when they spend a night snuggling or when he was brooding while playing violin. It was the candle that became the gateway of all his spells. He reached out and picked it up. As always, his lighter was right beside it, ready to bring light and peace into his life. Jinxx’s hands shook as he picked up the lighter and fumbled with the button trying to ignite it.

“Common,” he pleaded as he kept clicking the lighter frantically with his right hand. He didn’t hear Jake enter the room, he felt the bed dip as his friend sat down beside him. He placed the mug of hot chocolate on the bedside table and assisted Jinxx.

“Let me,” Jake said kindly as he took the lighter from Jinxx and tried his luck. In one loud click the lighter came to life and he positioned the flame to the wick.

Jinxx watched in awe as Jake lit the candle and he felt his heart beating a mile a minute. His moral compass was point him in the direction he needed to go and his mind screamed protests. Those Latin words were venomous against his tongue, as easily as Jake ignited the flame he could snuff it out if he wanted too. The dopey smile Jake gave him made him fight all his demons who fought for dominance. The words were on the tip of his tongue and he knew what he had to do. Jake would forgive him, he prayed he would one day.

“Jake, I need you to say this spell with me then blow the candle out,” Jinxx said. His blue eyes pleaded for understanding and he wasn’t surprised when Jake nodded his head in agreeance. “Ego amo te,” Jinxx whispered.

There was a weak smile from Jinxx and his blue eyes were glimmering beautifully. Jake didn’t know what he was getting himself into though he trusted Jinxx. “Ego amo te,” Jake repeated.

Together they blew out the flame and Jinxx put the candle back in its place on his bedside table. “I love you,” he said softly. Jake was glowing as if he understood what the Latin words meant. Internally all the battles over his morals stopped. His heart was guiding him, he knew Jake would participate in a spell with him because they loved each other. Though this wasn’t a spell, it was an admission. There was no way to make someone fall in love with you. Those spells fell under the category of malicious acts. Simply saying they loved each other then blowing the flame out was the start of being honest and no longer holding each other back. Whatever happened they were free of Jinxx’s need to use spells.

Jake was staring at him in a state of shock. “I love you too,” he said lurching forward and hugging Jinxx against his chest.

Meanwhile, Andy was about to lose his mind.

The whole drive home Ashley cried. As he walked up to their apartment door the old lady across the hall came out. Andy started a screaming battle with her about minding her own business and she was threatening to call the landlord if the baby didn’t stop crying. Inside the apartment the dogs were howling and making noise too.

“Ashley, please stop. She’s going to call the landlord and I don’t want to be kicked out of our home,” Andy pleaded. He went into their bedroom and laid the baby down on the bed. He got a good look at his boyfriend and noticed how bloodshot his eyes were. He massaged Ashley’s arms and stomach as he hummed a Dwight Yoakam song. “Calm down. Sh, listen to my voice, baby. I’m here and when you calm down I can make it better,” he promised.

-

Ashley didn’t want their landlord called.

They never had an issue with the guy and he was aware of the old lady complained about everyone. They didn’t need conflict or attention drawn to them right now.

He listened to Andy hum and focused on the sound. It Won’t Hurt by Dwight Yoakam had an eerily calming affect on him and he stopped screaming. He willed both his forms to stop crying too. Their right to stay in their home was reliant on him shutting his mouth even if he had a lot to say. Andy was promising to make things better if he calmed down. The massage was helping significantly until he got the hiccups.

“Fuck,” Ashley groaned between spasms. He lay down on the couch to wait out his hiccups. This would give him some time to think about how to tell Andy about what happened while he was gone.

-

Andy laughed as Ashley hiccupped. It was always such an innocent and cute thing when it happened. He poked fun at Ashley’s current state by tickling his sides. “I seriously can’t handle how adorable you are as a baby with hiccups,” Andy said leaning down to kiss Ashley’s forehead.

Ashley wiggled and urged Andy to pick him up. He squeaked with every hiccup which drew the dogs’ attention to him. They got on the bed and turned their heads to the sides as they listened to the sound coming from their favorite human. It was Tokyo who got the nerve to crawl on his belly towards the baby and licked his face.

“See? We are all worried about you,” Andy said. He stepped away for a moment to grab the Hello Kitty stuffed animal he had tucked away. It seemed like the perfect time to give the toy to Ashley since he was having a trying day. He returned and held the Hello Kitty stuffie out of reach as Ashley’s eyes grew big. His arms reached up as he begged for the toy. A smile broke across his face as he waited for Andy to hand him the Hello Kitty.

“Andy?” he asked between hiccups.

Andy handed the toy over to his boyfriend who started to babble a mile a minute. He lifted Hello Kitty up and studied the toy before hugging it. “I want you to know that I said a lot of rotten things to you and you didn’t deserve that. I bought this as a peace offering for when we talked about our fight. I think you need cheering up now though. You really scared me, Ashley. I thought you were sick,” Andy said.

“No,” he replied and looked at Andy with his puffy eyes. The veins were strained in his eyes from all the screaming and crying which had Andy worrying he burst some blood vessels in his eyes. The baby stopped playing with the Hello Kitty toy to glance at Andy with sad eyes. “In,” he babbled.

“Jinxx? What did he do?”

The baby put the toy aside and got sitting up, so he could make eye contact with his boyfriend. That didn’t deter Tokyo from resting his head on the baby’s legs. “In ell,” he said.

“Jinxx fell?” Andy asked raising an eyebrow. He understood Jinxx but what did ell mean?

“No, In ell,” Ashley tried again.

Andy nodded and tried to rhyme some words to ell. Ashley was watching him process the words he was trying to say. “Jinxx is from hell?” he said nervously.

-

Ashley’s forms groaned.

“Keep rhyming words, Andy. Jinxx being from hell could be accurate,” he grumbled. He considered a different tactic. A different word. Andy was listing off every word in existence aside from spell which was making Ashley grumpy.

He needed to be patient since Andy had done that with him while he broke down. He would try some other words, hopefully his boyfriend would get the hint. If not, he could pitch a fit demanding Jinxx.

-

“In urse,” Ashley said.

Andy’s head was starting to hurt. He was listing words and every one of them was shut down with Ashley’s new favorite word – no. “Urse? Ashley, I don’t follow,” he admitted.

“Doo doo,” Ashley said aggressively. He was starting to become moodier over their game and scowled.

The younger man groaned. Of course, it all made sense now. “Let’s change your diaper,” he said picking up the baby.

-

“Voodoo! Not doo doo. I didn’t, I mean I did use my diaper but I’m trying to tell you he put a spell on us! A curse! Andy, Jinxx put a spell on us and now I am a baby,” he said.

His baby form was babbling incoherently. Ashley knew his tantrum was the cause of his words being muffled. Karma was paying him back for being angry and screaming for almost two hours. Poor Andy got to sit in traffic with him the whole drive home as he bawled.

“He doesn’t understand because I was being unruly right?” he asked no one in particular.

The golden glow of the spot light increased in brightness and Ashley noticed the change around him.

“I deserve that. I was to busy making a scene that I should have listened to Jinxx,” he admitted, and the light increased more. He now understood what this place meant. The light grew when they made progress and it decreased when they made mistakes. He was just as in control of their spell being broken as Andy was. He crossed his legs as he sat in his favorite spot on the couch as he processed everything.

He was aware of his position and his power to help Andy.

“I understand,” he whispered. “No more anger.”

-

Andy felt emotionally drain as he got the baby changed.

He was holding back tears of frustration as his mind kept screaming that he was a failure. He couldn’t make Ashley stop crying right away. He couldn’t understand what his boyfriend was telling him. He was greedy and inconsiderate because Ashley made it clear he didn’t want to be left alone and he chose to leave him. His boyfriend needed him, and he wanted to smoke.

Ashley was giving him kisses and hugs as they walked into the living room. All the affection was obviously his version of a peace offering. Andy wanted to love every minute of it but he was part of the reason Ashley was having anxiety. He was guilty of causing Ashley distress.

“I’m going to have a smoke then maybe we can do something fun together,” Andy said glumly.

There was little protest from Ashley as he was sat down on the floor with Tokyo and Killer. The baby watched Andy slide the glass door open and step out onto the balcony. It was all eyes on the sliding glass door as it closed as Andy took a seat at the bistro set. The baby crawled towards the door and was followed by the Pomeranians who thought it was their job to watch him. He seated himself right in front of the door and watched Andy smoke. The dogs sat on either side of him like a support system.

Andy stared out at the rainy sky and let his guard down. He inhaled the nicotine as he let the tears roll down his cheeks. His mind was berating him, and he couldn’t quiet the voice in his head. That voice was his demon, the one that made him into such a terror and handful for Ashley. He smoked one cigarette in desperation before snubbing it out to light another.

Two became three as he breathed in the nicotine and cried. His guilt was weighing heavy on his soul that he kept hurting Ashley because he was greedy. He grabbed the last cigarette from the pack and stared at it. How many times did Ashley ask him to quit smoking? How many times did Ashley beg for him to listen or calm down as they fought? Ashley never stopped asking him kindly to do things and he didn’t listen. Flicking the lighter to life, he lit the last cigarette and savored it. This was the end. He was not going to be greedy any longer with his smoking. It was done.

-

Ashley hated seeing Andy cry.

He watched his boyfriend smoke his remaining cigarettes and the spot light got brighter. Andy was making a sacrifice for him. He was keeping his promise to quit smoking.

“Andy, I love you for this. I really can’t express how much I love you and I want you to know that I appreciate you keeping this promise to me. I can tell that you made the decision and intended to keep your promise. I love you so much, luv,” Ashley said.

He was waiting for Andy to come back inside where he planned to make him feel better. He considered his options as he waited for his boyfriend to finish his last cigarette. Andy suggested that they could do something fun. Ashley wanted to do s omething that involved bonding. Painting crossed his mind, he could be a mess and tease Andy with paint covered fingers.

-

Andy finished his final cigarette in silence. Something inside of him felt warm and he looked over to see Ashley, Tokyo, and Killer staring at him through the sliding glass door. All three of them relied on him and awaited his return. He expected to feel defeated, instead he had three loving beings waiting for him to come back into the apartment and spend time with them. He got up from the bistro set and opened the door.

Ashley was beaming and pulled himself up to stand by grabbing onto Andy’s leg. His brown eyes stared up at him as he spoke, “Ain, Andy?”

“You want to paint?”

The baby babbled loudly then grinned.

Andy carefully stepped inside their apartment as to not knock Ashley over. He leaned down and offered his hand for the baby to grab. It freed his leg as he pushed the door closed. Ashley’s tiny hand wrapped around his finger and he led him slowly through the living room to the office where all his paint supplies were. It was there that Andy started to gather all the canvas sheets and brushes Ashley pointed out. Then there was the matter of covering the hardwood floor with the drop cloths his boyfriend always put down when he painted.

Andy insisted they change clothes. He couldn’t fathom allowing Ashley to ruin any of his baby clothes, so he let him roam free in a diaper as he got into all the paints on the floor. It wasn’t long before Ashley was covered in paint, he was finger painting on a piece of canvas as Andy watched. He felt like he inherited CC’s OCD as he tried wiping the baby’s hands clean. He could hardly keep up with Ashley who was dabbing his toes in the paint and stamping them along the canvas.

“Jackson uh, what was his last name?” Andy asked. He heard Ashley talk a lot about artists. He could not for life of him remember the artist he was thinking of that made splatter paint masterpieces.

Ashley stopped for a moment and dabbed his paint covered hand onto his boyfriend’s arm. “Olloc,” he nattered then returned to his adventure.

“Right, are you making a Jackson Pollock inspired painting?”

The baby gave him a firm no and returned to his messy game. Andy’s canvas was still blank as he watched Ashley play. He was covered in splattered paint and he was thankful he changed before they started this project. CC’s gift of paint was bringing true joy to Ashley as his creativity flourished.

Andy picked up a paint brush and decided to join Ashley. This was what he wanted them to do together, he couldn’t say no. He started an outline and decided to paint Batman. Ashley was busy making his mosaic of colors and stamping himself with his hands. A rainbow of hand prints covered his small body and all his tattoos disappeared under the paint.

“Ashley, you’re such a mess,” Andy lightly scolded when he looked up from his painting. The only part of his boyfriend not covered in paint was his innocent face. “You’re making me look civilized,” he teased.

The baby crawled over to show Andy his paint covered hands only to stamped them down onto the clean side of Andy’s canvas. Ashley pointed to his boyfriend’s hands and made a gesture for him to copy what he did.

There was space to spare and Andy covered his hands in black paint. He stamped them down below Ashley’s tiny multicolored hand prints. When he lifted his hands, he marvelled in what Ashley was showing him. The baby held his hands up and Andy mirrored him. Ashley tried to link their fingers the best he could. Andy gently closed his hands around the small ones.

Ashley stared back at him in the way he did when he was appreciating something. Andy recognized the look from seeing it many times over the years. Sometimes, Ashley looked at him in that way and there was no need for words. The baby form of his boyfriend was staring back at him with their paint covered hands linked together. Andy leaned down and didn’t break their eye contact. He kissed Ashley then pulled away.

He didn’t expect Ashley to pull himself up onto his tip toes and kiss him back. Andy’s chest was full of butterflies and he realized their first kiss was like this. The way Ashley linked their hands and looked at him with want and need. Andy had kissed him first then it was returned. “You lil’ sweetie,” Andy whispered.

“Ove you, Andy,” Ashley said confidently. His words were strong today as he spoke genuinely from the heart.

“I love you too, Ash.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for taking forever to post. I was dealing with a family matter and this Rachmaninoff piece was kicking my ass big time too. I'm also taking a lot of time to consider how I write this story as I want it to be quality instead of turning out rushed chapters. I hope that is okay with everyone!  
> I hope you guys enjoy this. Things are escalating and there is more insight into everyone!


	6. Chapter 6

CC was down on his hands and knees scrubbing the hardwood floor. He cursed under his breath and glared at Ashley’s dogs. They were the ones who stepped in paint then tracked it around the apartment. He came over early that morning to have breakfast with Andy and Ashley only to be met with mess. He took it upon himself to start cleaning while Ashley sat in the hall with his Tupperware container of Cheerios as he watched CC scrub the floors.

“Hit me up,” CC said opening his mouth to let Ashley feed him Cheerios.

Ashley grinned over their exchange then ate another piece of cereal. He was quite fond of his ability to wrap CC around his tiny fingers. The germaphobe wasn’t paying attention that some of the Cheerios had been handled by slobbery fingers and continued to let Ashley feed him as he cleaned.

“Jesus this place reeks of bleach,” Andy complained as he walked out of his bedroom. He was busily gathering everything that needed to be washed since it was laundry day. CC also found a solution for the hall closet and he tacked up the heavy black piece of material that morning. A barrier tall enough to keep the dogs out and short enough to easily reach in to find the shoes. They were both laughing manically as Ashley and the dogs looked at them with confused looks. “Ashley, get off the bleach covered floor. My god! CC, you need to watch him. Bleach isn’t safe,” Andy fussed as he picked Ashley up.

CC looked up from his task to Andy. The younger boy had the baby propped on his hip as he scowled. For a moment, CC wondered if that was a glimpse of what married life would be. “I’ll have you know I dilute the bleach first. Doesn’t affect my skin,” he said defensively. No one insulted his cleaning products.

“Ash is a baby. Bleach is not safe for babies! I’ll seriously find proof on Google if you won’t take me seriously,” Andy threatened. He gently bounced Ashley on his hip. He could feel a pair of brown eyes staring at him. The baby was smiling at him with that typical ‘Ashley Purdy knows everything’ smile. “Don’t you even start. I am concerned about your well being,” Andy said.

Ashley clapped his hands and snuggled against his boyfriend.

“I’m all for you being worried about Ash’s well being but I can guarantee that my bleach solution would not harm him. I’m not irresponsible also Ashley isn’t stupid. He isn’t going to go all Jonestown on us,” CC said.

Andy’s blue eyes popped, he glared at CC, and shook his head in disappointment. “What is the matter with you? Jonestown, really?” Andy asked incredulously.

“You are really on edge since you quit smoking,” CC commented as he returned to cleaning.

“Yah!” Ashley chimed in.

Andy breathed in and closed his eyes. The fresh smell of cleaning products choked him a bit, he tried to remind himself to be grateful. He did appreciate CC coming over to make breakfast with them and help with some much-needed cleaning. His mood may not have reflected it as he fussed non-stop about Ashley, he needed a focus and that was his boyfriend. “I’ll kindly remind you little one that our special trip to the park only happens if you’re nice to me while I go through withdrawal,” he lightly warned.

“That’s mean,” CC said as he vigorously scrubbed at the floor.

“Aren’t you supposed to be making bacon and eggs with me? I thought we agreed full breakfast,” Andy complained.

CC kept cleaning and ignored the annoyed tone in Andy’s voice. There was no rush, it was still quite early, it wouldn’t take him long to finish cleaning the hallway. “Put Ashley down, he was feeding me Cheerios,” he said.

“You do realize he slobbers a lot and probably fed you spit covered Cheerios,” Andy said bursting CC’s perfect OCD bubble.

The drummer’s body stiffened. He wasn’t thinking about that at all, he was to absorbed with cleaning and Ashley being adorable to think about the state of the cereal. Part of him wanted to melt down because of germs and another part of him rationalized that it was Ashley spit therefore safe. They shared drinks sometimes when they went out. That never grossed him out. “I don’t care about his spit,” he said.

“Would you care if I licked your food and served it to you?” Andy asked.

CC cringed at the thought and sat upright. “I would not eat something you licked,” he said looking at Andy with a disgusted look.

“That makes no sense! Can you hurry? I’m hungry and I don’t know how to cook!” Andy whined. He knew he was being difficult today. His patience was thin, he was also sick of eating noodles. He watched CC throw the cloth into the bucket and complain bitterly under his breath about half-assed cleaning. He’d won this battle only because CC wanted peace and quiet to clean later.

The drummer walked into the kitchen to clean his hands thoroughly before he looked back at Andy and Ashley. “Let’s teach you how to cook the basics. After I expect us to go down to the park. Ashley needs to play and spend quality time with all of us,” CC countered.

“Did you text Jake and Jinxx about hanging out?” Andy asked as he put the baby back down on the floor. The dogs started playing their latest game of chase the baby which Ashley loved.

“I did. We all need to spend time together doing something other than eating and staring at each other,” CC said turning on the stove. On his drive home, he was trying to piece together everything that happened with Ashley’s meltdown. He concluded quality time would make Ashley feel at ease until he was an adult again.

Ashley played with the dogs as CC taught Andy how to make scrambled eggs. The younger boy didn’t grumble to much as he continued to stir the yokes around as CC made the bacon. The older man agreed that bacon was a bit dangerous for a beginner and put Andy on toast duty next.  Ashley was soon back accompanied by the dogs as they all sat begging for food. Tokyo and Killer had helped themselves to the abandoned Tupperware container of cereal on the floor and decided to see what Ashley could get them in terms of bacon.

“EE up,” Ashley demanded.

CC looked over his should to acknowledge the baby. “I’m still cooking, peanut. You want bacon, don’t you?” he asked.

Ashley’s screeching was deafening.

“Make sure it’s well done. No choking hazards,” Andy said. He finished the scrambled eggs and waited for CC to approve the work. He divided the eggs onto the two plates. He accepted he would be sharing his food with Ashley.

“Ead,” Ashley said pointing to the bread Andy was adding to the plates.

Andy’s anxiousness was starting to diminish with CC helping him with chores and Ashley’s vocabulary growth. He cut one piece of toast into small pieces and put it on his plate. If he was distracted it was easier to forget that he was nicotine free today. Every time he felt cranky he reminded himself that taking his anger out on Ashley or CC was not going to make anything better. If he had learned anything, taking his anger out on his boyfriend resulted in this minor set back. Andy was enjoying his experience with Ashley as a baby. Everything they did was a new experience with his boyfriend being so little. Each adventure was magical and special to Ashley as they tried new things like trying to walk, talk, or paint. He wouldn’t trade this experience for a life time even though he was excited for adult Ashley to return. “I’ve got small pieces of toast for you. Do you want juice, panda?” Andy asked lovingly.

“Ape, eahe.”

“Good choice. Your words are really coming along today,” Andy praised. He easily fell into his role of parent as he chatted casually with Ashley and multitasked around the kitchen. Today would be busy with chores and he was thankful between him and CC, they could distract Ashley as they worked.

CC turned the burner down and breathed in the smell of bacon. “How old you think he is?” he asked. He needed to have an adult conversation for a moment.

“I don’t know. I think he’s close to one? You’re so tiny it’s hard to tell,” Andy said winking at Ashley.

The drummer nodded considerably and looked back at the baby seated between the dogs. “He has skills of a toddler though. Karma mixed you all up,” CC teased.

“Doo doo did,” Ashley replied.

-

“Let me guess,” Ashley huffed. “I can’t tell either of them about the spell.”

The spot light brightened at the question.

“Jinxx told me can I talk to him?”

Again, the light got brighter.

Ashley nodded and thought about the trip to the park. Jinxx would be there, that was his window of opportunity to talk to him. He needed to stop his friend from telling Andy about the spell. They were making progress. If Andy got angry it would be a setback. As he painted, he had time to work through what Jinxx told him.

He was angry in the moment but the longer he thought about it, Jinxx admittedly didn’t intend to make him a baby. He was trying to help them in an unusual way. Instead of talking and making up, they were supposed to appreciate one another. If anything, the spell worked because they also needed to rely on each other too. He felt betrayed until he realized Jinxx’s intentions were good.

“Today, Jinxxy is getting a hug,” he said as he got settled. He was excited to eat breakfast with two of his favorite people then go out with all his friends. Ashley was in a bubbly mood, he was optimistic that it was going to be a better day.

-

“You didn’t make doo doo,” CC teased. “You didn’t make the face.”

Ashley stared back at CC in a confused manner.

“You do get a certain look on your face,” Andy snickered as he bent down to give Ashley his sippy cup. He started to set the table and stepped around the baby carefully. “Come here, baby,” Andy called as he took a seat at the table. He waited as Ashley scooted along the floor on his bum while he held his sippy cup.

“Peanut, you need to start walking,” CC commented as he watched Ashley successfully cross the kitchen.

Andy shook his head disbelief. “I’m not ready for that. He still needs to hold my hand,” he said nervously as he picked up Ashley to put him on his knee.

“He needs to be able to walk without you,” CC said.

Ashley pouted and looked at Andy with a scared expression. “No,” the baby whined.

“If you want to hold my hand then you hold my hand,” Andy said hugging Ashley. He wasn’t in a rush to push his boyfriend into walking. His slow, unsteady steps going forward were enough. Ashley could crawl very fast which worked just fine in terms of moving. “You can do whatever you set your mind too. When you’re ready to walk by yourself you can, I’ll be right there to catch you,” Andy said directly to Ashley.

“Ank you,” Ashley squeaked.

CC rolled his eyes. His intentions to force Andy to be less of a mother hen were thwarted by Ashley wanting that experience. He didn’t consider that maybe Ashley deserved to be doted upon, he looked happier than he had in the last month. “Bacon’s done,” he said changing the subject. He walked over to the table with the pan and served the bacon out onto the plates.

“Can I have your sippy cup?” Andy asked nicely as he pulled the cup away from the baby. He placed it onto the table and handed Ashley a small piece of toast.

The drummer bustled around the kitchen for a moment before sitting down to eat. “How’s your toast, peanut?” CC asked as he dug into his scrambled eggs.

Andy started with a piece of bacon. He was thankful for CC’s suggestion to have breakfast together. He didn’t tell Ashley and he was every ecstatic when he saw his friend in the morning. “The bacon is great,” Andy said.

“Ashwee oo,” the baby said. He pouted and pointed at the bacon in his boyfriend’s hand.

“Of course. I wouldn’t forget you,” Andy said breaking a small piece of bacon off for Ashley. He melted every time the baby tried to say his name. It was a bit awkward to say because of the ‘sh’ frustrated him as he tried to say his name correctly. He stumbled through his name trying to form each vowel and consonant, he was as close as he could get. If the word started with a vowel or soft consonant he had an easier time forming the word. Ashley still struggled with CC’s name because he couldn’t get the sound started. Andy praised every accomplishment though. He was proud that Ashley was trying so hard. Sometimes the words worked and sometimes they didn’t. His other favorite words were Ashley’s attempts to call Tokyo and Killer over to him, the names came out as Oyo and Illeh.

Ashley’s language enthralled CC too. Every day he got better at talking. “Look at you saying your name,” CC said.

All the attention was on the baby as he abandoned the remaining bite of toast for the piece of bacon. He studied the food before putting it in his mouth. The expression on Ashley’s face as he ate the bacon was priceless. He looked up at CC wide eyed and waved his free hand.

“I’m happy you guys like the bacon,” CC said.

They continued to enjoy their breakfast with minimal conversation. Tokyo and Killer begged at the table for bacon only to be disappointed that they got nothing. Ashley made a clear indication for them to stop begging at the table since he didn’t allow them to do that regularly. Andy left the baby sitting in the hallway coloring as he helped CC with dishes.

“EE,” Ashley said on repeat.

Andy knew he was still working out the issues with CC’s name.

CC soon abandoned Andy who was drying the dishes to sit with Ashley in the hallway. “It’s CC, peanut. Can you make a snake sound?” he asked.

Ashley took a moment to work through the shape of his mouth and tried a few times without any sound. He looked up at his friend with a look of defeat.

“Try again. You know the hissing sounds you and Andy make when you do vocal warm ups?” CC said. He looked down at Ashley and gave him an encouraging look.

Andy leaned against the kitchen counter as he dried a plate. He watched CC patiently try to help Ashley and his heart started to tighten in his chest. Whenever he saw Ashley with a child or witnessed something special while Ashley was a baby, he started to feel his own urge to be a parent. He wanted children and liked the idea of Ashley being his partner. He could easily visualize Ashley laying on the floor painting with a child. Andy could see him letting a little girl paint his nails and do his make up. Then there was the best vision of all; Ashley pacing the floor and humming to their child. Andy knew they were young and it wasn’t the time, but this experience was making him consider having the future conversation with Ashley.

“She e,” Ashley forced out. He made a disgusted face after he heard what he said.

CC looked equally disgusted and gave the baby an awkward grin. “Just call me EE its easier,” he said.

“Ahweed,” Ashley replied.

Andy was basically a puddle on the floor. Everything Ashley did in the last sixteen hours had him swooning or melting emotionally. From painting to waking up in the middle of the night to find Ashley curled up close to him, he was head over heels.

“Wee Wee,” Ashley laughed and pointed to CC.

The drummer shook his head. “You’re not calling me Wee Wee,” he said loudly.

The baby tried pouting. Andy was glad he got to watch this moment. It was a glimpse into the usual Ashley antics while CC playfully argued. He figured the game would be short though it was ammunition to bother CC while they were in public.

“Stop calling me Wee Wee! Maybe I’ll start calling you that special name Andy gave you,” CC shot back.

-

“Panda? Outlaw? You’ve got nothing,” Ashley said in a cocky tone.

His baby form pointed and started calling CC all the wrong names. It was harmless fun, they were both enjoying their game. He highly doubted CC knew Andy’s special nickname for him. They were cautious about what they did on the bus. The way his friend was grinning was suspicious. It was enough to make him worry a bit though it wasn’t enough to stop taunting the drummer.

“You can’t even be mad. I’m adorable,” Ashley said laying across the couch.

Today was shaping up to be a pretty good day because of the bacon.

-

CC listened to Ashley natter on repeat the nickname and he could feel his devil horns forming. He grinned in a way that stopped the baby from talking, he paused long enough to acknowledge CC’s insane look. “Morning glory,” he whispered.

Baby Ashley’s jaw dropped.

“Andy calls you morning glory. Isn’t that right?” CC said loud enough for Andy to hear.

Andy dried the last dish then placed it safely on the counter. He noticed how bright Ashley’s cheeks were over the remark. “I call him cuddle bunny too. He calls me rockstar and I call him cowboy. Let’s see, he refers to me as stud or captain too,” Andy said.

“I didn’t need to know that,” CC said. His own cheeks were starting to turn red.

“You asked. Now, should we get ready to go outside Ashy Ash Ashes?” Andy asked cheerfully. His sing song voice echoed through the apartment and Ashley was already standing up. His unsteady balance had CC putting his hands out in case he needed to grab them. Andy kneeled to CC’s level and he opened his arms. “It’s only a few steps. Common, baby,” he cooed.

Ashley was thankfully bare foot as it awarded him extra grip as he took a cautious step. His small arms tried to help him even out his balance like a tightrope walker. His steps were slow and awkward.

“Look at you go! Few more steps, panda,” Andy said only for his words to distract Ashley.

Baby Ashley stepped awkwardly back while trying to regain his balance and fell onto his bum. He was screaming in a second over being forced to walk. He put his arms in the air to be picked up.

Andy picked him up. The fussing stopped instantly which made CC roll his eyes. Andy hugged Ashley tight and kissed his cheek. “You’re all right. No need to make a fuss,” he cooed. He got up and decided to get their sweaters and the baby's shoes. Getting ready seemed to take them some time if Ashley decided to wiggle and roll around. Ashley wasn’t happy until he managed to grab a piece of Andy’s hair. It was a silent threat that he would pull the piece of hair he was holding, he laughed evilly as Andy got him dressed.

“We’re ready,” CC called from the door. He had the dogs’ leashes in hand and Andy’s backpack slung over his shoulder. He sent a text to Jake and Jinxx to inform them that they would be leaving soon. CC planned to return home with Andy and Ashley to continue with chores in the afternoon. There was laundry, a bathroom to clean, and he wanted to finish washing the floors. While Ashley had his afternoon nap, CC and Andy planned to finish everything on their list.

It took one stern warning for Ashley to release the strand of hair he had wrapped around his fingers. Andy had him dressed for the chilly fall weather. The sun was shining but they had a brisk walk ahead of them. CC had fallen victim to buying Ashley a slouched beanie and baby Aviators. Ashley looked adorable though and Andy himself knew he would have bought those accessories had they been available when he went shopping. “You and CC’s hats match,” Andy remarked as he pulled on his black sweater.

“Common guys! We have to walk to the park,” CC yelled.

Andy grumbled over the drummer’s impatience and picked Ashley back up. “Jeez, uncle CC wants to get going. Probably plans to use your cuteness to pick up chicks,” Andy said walking into the hall.

“No,” baby Ashley squeaked loudly.

CC didn’t seem impressed by the comment at first but the more he thought about it, it was genius. Girls love animals and babies. “I wouldn’t do that,” he lied.

They were rushing to get to the park. CC kept telling Andy to hurry up as they powered walked there. Ashley was dozing off during the walk and was limp in Andy’s arms. CC kept making jokes that Andy took forever to get ready and it was close to nap time for the baby. Tokyo and Killer were quite confused when they passed their usual route and continued walking towards the park that had all the play structures. They were late by CC’s standard because Jake and Jinxx managed to beat them to the park and were waiting.

Andy gave Ashley a firm tickle on the side and his eyes shot open. There were some grumpy sounds of protest as the baby rubbed his eyes. “It’s to early for you to nap,” Andy teased lightly.

“Ink,” Ashley mumbled as he reached his arms out to the guitarist.

-

He’d worked hard on saying Jinxx’s name.

His whole goal was to tell his friend that he forgave him. He didn’t want him to tell Andy about the spell either. Ashley didn’t know exactly what he would say or how he would attempt to communicate his wishes. He sensed Jinxx would get it when he requested him.

Ashley wished the highlight of his day was Andy’s first cigarette free day or CC getting over some of his germaphobia. There was still a lot of time today to celebrate their accomplishments but Jinxx needed to know that he was forgiven. Ashley was grateful for this lesson and if he could explain to Andy how this spot light worked he would. It was growing brighter with each activity.

He got perched in his favorite spot on the couch and willed his baby self to lay on the charm. If anyone deserved to feel loved and appreciated it was Jinxx.

-

Jinxx looked at Jake in a confused manner.

“He wants you,” Jake whispered as he nudged Jinxx forward. Most of their evening consisted of discussing ways to talk to Andy and Ashley about the incident that occurred. The fact that Ashley was interested in being around them was a significant change from the day before.

Ashley was grinning and repeating Jinxx’s name until he was finally in the guitarist’s arms. “Ink mine,” Ashley babbled

“He’s very affectionate today,” Andy said. He wasn’t jealous. If Ashley was in a good mood, he was happy. There were no aching gums or tantrums today which alleviated some of the stress Andy was having over not being able to smoke. “Can I take a picture?” Andy asked as he pulled out his phone. He’d been collecting photos since this occurred and this was a moment he wanted to capture.

Jinxx propped Ashley on his hip and smiled. The baby cooperated for a moment then was busy pointing out stuff.

“Ake, Ink, eeheh awheh,” Ashley said pointing out the teeter totters.

“Is that okay?” Jinxx asked Andy.

Andy nodded and watched his two friends walk away with Ashley towards the playground. It was a quiet morning and CC was the one being anxious.

“What should we do?” he asked looking around the quiet park.

Usually if Ashley was doing something Andy didn’t want to do, he would smoke and watch him ride a horse or his motorcycle. “Relax?” Andy suggested.

That answer didn’t please CC, he decided to walk the dogs instead. He extended the invitation to Andy who decided he’d rather stay close to Ashley and sit on the park bench. CC handed over the backpack then allowed Tokyo and Killer to drag him around the park.

Jinxx was paranoid he’d drop Ashley as they sat on the teeter totter. Jake was laughing and saying how cute he was with a baby. Their flirting was more open and fluid than other encounters with their friends. Ashley took notice right away but decided to quietly observe them as they started to move the teeter totter up and down.

“We need to tell Andy about the spell,” Jake said. They didn’t know how easy it would be to get Ashley away from Andy after his last temper tantrum. Jake thankfully was the one who was going to mediate the conversation between Ashley and Jinxx. “Jinxx told me everything and we want to help,” he added.

Ashley tipped his head back and looked at Jinxx. “No ank you,” he chirped back.

“Andy needs to know,” Jake pushed.

Jinxx saw a look in Ashley’s eyes. It was a subtle little look that meant he knew something. “You figured it out?” Jinxx asked.

“Ashwee ix,” the baby said confidently. “Andy ix oo,” he added for good measure.

Both guitarists were speechless. Jake still wanted to tell Andy until Jinxx gave him that silent look that said they needed to leave it alone. Ashley’s attention span was short, he lost interest fast in the teeter totter and was pointing to the slide.

“Ink ide,” Ashley demanded.

Jinxx was easily swayed to do whatever baby Ashley wanted. Jake followed them just in case something went wrong then he would go into full rescue mode to save the baby. They made their way to the slide and abruptly stopped when Ashley said to.

“Omise, Ashwee. No ell Andy,” Ashley said slowly.

-

“Promise me that please,” Ashley begged.

He could see Jinxx truly understood what he wanted. His blue eyes were full of understanding and love. His arms were securely wrapped around his tiny frame and hugging him tight.

“I know what I’m doing. I can make this right.”

-

Jake’s mouth hung open in shock.

“We won’t, Ashley,” Jinxx promised.

Jake was shaking his head in disbelief. “You made a sentence,” he said. His dazed look was amusing to both Jinxx and Ashley as he kept shaking his head.

“You broke him,” Jinxx said to Ashley as they climbed the small ladder to get onto the slide. It was a rather small park meant for little kids. Jinxx’s only challenge was finding room to sit in the small play area near the slide. Once he finally got seated, Ashley was hugging him tight. “I won’t drop you. Trust me,” he said.

Ashley laughed and leaned back to look into Jinxx’s blue eyes. “Ashwee ogive Ink,” he said cheerfully.

“I don’t deserve that.”

“Ashwee ogive you,” Ashley said pouting.

Jinxx’s resolve broke instantly. The small being in his arms was offering forgiveness and hugging him. All the things that had him upset or paranoid were drifting away. Ashley’s choice not to shun him made him feel more at ease.

-

Ashley loved the way Jinxx was beaming over their moment.

The spot light intensified and stayed on it’s new brightness.

“I would never hold this against you. I value your friendship and wisdom too much to be mad at you,” Ashley said sincerely.

-

The slide was a one-time thing. Ashley wasn’t a fan even as a baby of heights and Jinxx was glad he didn’t have to awkwardly maneuver his way back into the small structure. Ashley was content holding one of Jinxx’s fingers in his right hand and Jake’s in his left as they walked back towards Andy slowly.

Andy looked up from his phone and greeted them was they made their way towards the park bench. “Ashley baby,” he called in his teasing lilt.

The baby stopped and bounced a little over his name being called.

“I know you can walk to me, darling,” Andy said getting off the bench and squatting down comfortably. He opened his arms while saying encouraging things.

Jake was the first to wiggle his finger free of Ashley’s grasp though he kept walking slowly beside him. It was Jinxx who struggled to get his finger free and was still being dragged along willingly.

“Jinxx is right there,” Andy said softly. “Let go.”

Ashley did let go at Andy’s request then stopped for a moment.

No one said anything. Jinxx was ready to swoop if needed. They all watched as Ashley started taking slow steps towards Andy. It was a fair walk, each step got more solid and confident. If the baby got unsteady, he stopped to regain his balance.

-

Ashley was focused on every movement his infant form made.

Andy wasn’t in a rush for him to walk by himself nor did he care if he still needed a hand. He was supportive and believed he could start walking when he wanted too. Ashley wanted to make Andy proud of him also having a little independence would be good for them.

“Me walking doesn’t mean I’m done with you carrying me,” Ashley said as he watched Andy’s face light up more.

He looked like he was about to cry but he was smiling. His words were inflections of Ashley’s name which he said softly. His arms were wide open and waiting. The image had Ashley willing to run if he had the power too.

“I hope you never stop telling me that you believe I can do anything. It makes me feel loved to hear that you believe in me like I believe in you,” Ashley whispered.

-

Andy made himself stay put as Ashley moved forward. His voice kept speaking encouragements as the baby got closer. Jake and Jinxx were close by silently cheering him on. None of them noticed that CC and the dogs were back.

Ashley’s steps got a bit faster and he was more determined than ever to end up in Andy’s arms not on his bum like earlier in the morning. “Andy!” he yelled joyously.

The baby’s last step had him falling into Andy’s arms and he quickly lifted him up. Ashley clapped his hands together while his legs wildly kicked in excitement! “Ash! You walked!” Andy cheered as he brought his boyfriend back down to give him a quick kiss.

There were vast amounts of praise going around from everyone. Ashley was rather fond of the reactions he was getting. He grinned and clapped his hands together. Andy kept giving him kisses and telling him how proud he was of him.

It soon became an adventure of letting Ashley walk each of them around the tot park to explore. Each band member spent their own time with him playing. Jinxx played in the sand, Jake helped him walk around the play structure, CC held him so he could ride the spring motorcycle, and Andy was going to end their visit to the park off with the swings.

Andy got Ashley comfortably seated in the baby swing and pushed it lightly. He loved every moment he captured of Ashley playing today. His favorite photo he took was Ashley making grabby hands and smiling as the swing swung away from him. They chatted casually as he got every piece of footage he wanted. He didn’t notice the person approaching them until they leaned against the swing set and started talking.

“He’s cute,” the girl said.

Ashley smile disappeared and was replaced by a look Andy wasn’t familiar with- jealousy.

Andy maintained eye contact with Ashley and paid her no attention. This was Ashley’s day and nothing was going to ruin it. He kept pushing the swing while smiling at the baby in hopes that would change his mood.

“I’m Cassie,” she tried again.

-

“Yah, keep moving Cassie…”

Ashley was seeing red.

For the first time in his life he was jealous over someone talking to Andy. She was pretty and had nice hair, she was a threat in his world. She twirled a piece of her long blonde hair around her finger to appear alluring. He didn’t judge people because he didn’t find that fair though he found himself judging her.

“You look like you’d be a sweater thief,” he said sarcastically.

All the while, Andy ignored her. He stayed focused on him like he was the only being in this world. That meant a lot even if he was annoyed about her presence. Andy had eyes for only him and was proving that.

-

The girl vying for Andy’s attention kept talking and he continued to look at Ashley. He hated that this girl talking to him was potentially souring Ashley’s mood. It was also past nap time which would warrant a hissy fit. He telepathically begged Ashley to scream in distress to get them out of the situation.

“EE,” Ashley wailed no longer interested in the swings. He screamed the drummer’s name louder and cried like he was holding back everything that ever hurt him. Andy’s look of encouragement was allowing him to play into his jealousy a bit and he was more than willing to make himself heard. If Andy wanted him to take lead vocals at this moment he would.

At first, he thought it was Andy calling him but as the pitch grew, he recognized that distinct cry. Ashley was crying and asking for him of all people. CC dropped the dog’s leashes into Jake’s hands and ran towards the swings. He saw the girl trying to talk to Andy and the younger boy pick Ashley up who was making the biggest scene physically possible.

“EE!”

Andy bounced him as he turned to see their friend approached. “Daddy is coming,” he said playing into their game.

“EE!” Ashley yelled louder. He grew red in the face as he reached for CC.

The drummer fussed the moment the baby was in his arms and held Ashley up to inspect him. “Did you get pinched? What’s wrong, peanut?” he asked.

“He missed daddy,” Andy said giving him a look.

CC saw the blonde girl glaring at them with a questioning look on her face. Ashley screamed louder than he had the previous day and if he got any redder he would probably pop. “I missed you too. I’m here now,” CC said as he rubbed Ashley’s back.

“We should go home,” Andy suggested.

Ashley’s sobs tapered off and he calmed down.

-

Ashley was impressed and embarrassed all at once with his ability to be overly dramatic.

In honesty, he was tired and it was past his nap time. His eyes felt heavy as he forced himself to stay awake. His crying episode woke him up a bit though he was more than ready to head home.

Ashley rubbed at his eyes and yawned. He wasn’t sure if his baby form was yawning and rubbing his eyes too. He was too drained to care.

-

“Go back to daddy Andy,” CC said playing along even though he looked unimpressed. He was more worried about Ashley’s screaming fit.

Ashley was good at looking devastated over this whole event and went back to Andy easily. He didn’t make a pep as he cuddled into the warmth of his boyfriend’s arms.

“I’ll go get the car, babe,” CC said. He faked a smile for Andy.

Cassie was still awkwardly staring and didn’t have anything to say now. Andy could feel her eyes watching him. “Thanks, sugar,” Andy said in the cheekiest voice he could muster.

Ashley weakly giggled.

Andy walked away before she could ask him any questions. He smiled deviously to himself as he realized what a wonderful team they made posing as a family. He knew Ashley had a moment of jealousy and it was probably one of the cutest things ever. Andy was the jealous one. The idea that Ashley was probably scowling with his arms crossed over his chest, entertained him.

They walked back towards Jake and Jinxx who both seemed concerned. CC had the dog leashes in hand and tapped his foot impatiently.

“Done method acting?” CC ask snidely.

Andy grinned and nodded his head.

“Ashley, no sucking your thumb,” Jinxx scolded as he watched the very tired baby stick his thumb in his mouth. “I’ll get your soother,” he said. He picked up Andy’s backpack to dug through the contents to find the soother.

Jake was the one who spotted it and handed it over to Andy. He expression mirrored Jinxx’s over Ashley sucking his thumb though he didn’t make any comments.

Andy pulled Ashley’s hand away from his mouth and followed Jinxx’s example of saying no. He showed the baby the soother then shoved it in his mouth. Ashley’s eyes closed to resume his nap. “Can you pass me his blanket?” Andy asked as he adjusted Ashley in his arms.

Jinxx pulled a green blanket out of Andy’s backpack. It had caused quite a stir in the morning when Andy showed it to Ashley. Partially because the star blanket needed to be washed and he liked all the little frogs printed on the fabric.

With Ashley wrapped up, Andy and CC said their goodbyes to Jake and Jinxx and headed back to the apartment. The walk was quiet, not because Ashley was asleep but for other reasons. CC didn’t know how to approach the topic. He didn’t want to say the wrong thing and offend Andy. He wanted to be included in their group outings. Spending time with Ashley this way was a different experience, he wanted to enjoy it while he could.

“I’m sorry I dragged you into that,” Andy finally said. He sensed CC’s silence was due to their fake relationship.

CC shrugged. “I mean, I get that you wanted out of the situation. I hope it was for Ashley’s sake,” he started. He couldn’t look at Andy as he said the next part. “When Ash came home with me after your fight, he told me something. Your remarks about being a parent to him upset him to the point that when he was drunk he was crying about them. I don’t ever want to put him through that again. He’s not over it and he played along but are we really sure pretending to be his parents didn’t cause him some pain?”

The thought never crossed his mind that their actions could hurt Ashley emotionally. “I wasn’t thinking about that,” Andy mumbled.

“Don’t beat yourself up over it. Ashley wouldn’t want you upset too,” CC said nicely.

They continued to walk in silence again.

What awaited them at home was a mountain of laundry. It was hard to tell who changed their outfit more times in a day (Andy could argue it was Ashley). Down the hall were various piles of clothes mostly all black. All Ashley’s clothes required different washing cycles. Each garment was treated as if it were made of pure gold. Andy had watched Ashley do laundry enough times to know what items belonged in what pile. He didn’t care about his clothes that much. He would sort colors, he could usually get his done in two loads while Ashley’s was six. Then there was towels and bedding.

CC’s eyes were sore from rolling them. He was shocked with how much laundry Ashley and Andy accumulated. “This is ridiculous. Why don’t you guys do laundry every week?” he asked.

“Ashley does the laundry. He had a spaz last week over being a slave in our home and rejected to do it,” Andy said nervously. He was thankful that Ashley was asleep in the bedroom and couldn’t hear him admitting this truth.

CC was gawking at him. “You don’t do your own laundry?” he asked incredulously.

“He makes me sort with him then I’m allowed to go write songs or do another chore,” Andy said.

“Are you sure you should touch Ashley’s clothes then?”

Andy was confident that he knew how to wash his boyfriend’s clothes. The biggest rule was not putting Ashley’s clothes in the dryer. They would hang dry then go in the dryer after an allotted time. Andy also spent a lot of time listening to Ashley talk about the settings he was using on what clothing items. All the times his boyfriend talked his ear off about laundry sunk in and he knew ‘Ashley Purdy’s Rules of Laundry’ from memory. “Each pile of clothing is in order of the settings he uses. Hang dry everything and after four hours tumble dry in the dryer. There are only a few shirts he doesn’t put through the dryer and the same goes with pants. Trust me when I say he’s made it more than clear through our relationship how he does laundry. Ashley lives to tell me how to do adult things,” Andy said.

“That’s because he doesn’t want you to grow up being useless,” CC replied.

It was like Ashley was there speaking through CC. The infamous ‘I don’t want you to grow up being useless’ line somehow sounded worse coming from CC. There was a hint of judgement upon their relationship. Andy put the first load of laundry into the washer and set it to Ashley’s preferred settings. “Whatever wisdom you want to bestow upon me I would appreciate,” Andy offered. He figured CC was itching to give him a lesson in being an adult.

“How long does Ashley sleep for?” CC asked. He had an extensive list of cleaning rituals he followed, he would dedicate the time accordingly.

Andy hummed as he looked at the hall clock. “Usually an hour or two. It really depends. When he starts yawning he’s out quick,” he said.

CC was grinning from ear to ear. He started his cleaning lesson off with his favorite product - bleach.

-

Ashley hated his dreams sometimes.

Today’s were filled with the things that went bump in the night. Sometimes, he dreamed of the monsters that terrorized him as a small child and made him keep insisting that his grandma check under the bed. He dreamed about his teeth falling out a lot. He also dreamed about falling, there were many nights where he had the falling dream. He even fell out of his bunk once on tour. That one played into his fear of heights.

It was spiders terrorizing him as he walked through a forest alone. He didn’t have a flashlight and the path soon disappeared leaving nothing to follow. Every time he turned around a fork appeared in the path which lead him to another dead end. If he stood around to long the spiders tickled his arms and laughed at him.

Even within himself he was face down on the red couch sleep, sharing this horrible dream.

He was always lost or falling.

It was always heights or spiders.

Then there was the pure darkness and growling of the monsters that threatened to find him.

-

CC heard Ashley mumbling in his sleep while he dusted. He stopped in the doorway. He studied the infant asleep on the bed and gestured for Andy to come over.

“What’s up?” Andy asked peeling his gloves off. CC had him cleaning the limescale and grout out of the bathtub.

The drummer pointed to the baby.

Andy heard the mumbling too and handed his gloves over to CC. He tiptoed into the bedroom then sat down on his side of the bed. He easily picked up Ashley and lay him down onto his chest. Andy lightly traced designs on his boyfriend’s back as he softly spoke to him. “There are no monsters here. No spiders or reasons you could fall. Listen to my voice, Ash. It’s your light in the darkness. It's your compass to guide you,” Andy said.

Ashley’s mumbling quieted and he was back to sucking on his soother.

“Come back to me,” Andy said leaning down and kissed Ashley’s forehead.

-

The darkness backed away and the spiders ascended back to their webs. The paths were clear, so Ashley legged it out of the forest towards his normal dream land.

He yawned and stretched as he peeled his tired eyes open.

The spot light blinded him. He covered his eyes for a moment until he adjusted.

“I’m not ready to get up. I’m tired,” he whined. He rolled onto his side and tried to ignore the increasing brightness. Andy’s voice was echoing through his head space begging him to come back.

-

Ashley slowly blinked as he woke up.

“Did I wake you up?” Andy asked.

CC stayed glued to the doorway and didn’t disturb them. He never saw this side of Ashley or Andy. He wasn’t aware his friend was sometimes restless or that Andy knew how to defuse the situation. It almost felt like intruding as he watched them.

Ashley rubbed his eyes and spit out his soother.

Andy continued to trace designs on his back as he waited for Ashley to become more alert. “I’m sorry I woke you, Ashley baby. I dug out my Shel Silverstein books maybe you can have a story with uncle CC,” Andy said.

“Ild ing” Ashley said.

CC liked the idea of reading with Ashley. After two hours of cleaning the apartment he was bored. At least when Ashley was awake it was fun.

“Do you mean Where the Wild Things Are?” Andy asked. His expression was unsure. He was trying to avoid that book if they could. There was the whole message from Ashley’s parents inside the front cover and whenever he read it he was usually in tears. It wasn’t exactly how Andy wanted this day to end. He safely tucked it away with Ashley’s photo album. That was the next thing he would probably want. Maybe CC was right about the park incident.

Ashley was more awake and clapping his hands together. He babbled on about the idea.

“First, diaper then I’ll go get the book,” Andy said.

“I can grab the book if you want,” CC offered only to get an annoyed look in response. Andy whispered where he stashed it and slammed the bathroom door behind himself.

CC didn’t understand why Andy had an attitude problem over Ashley wanting to read a certain book. He found the book in the top desk drawer with a photo album with Purdy written in gold calligraphy on the front. He grabbed both and thought maybe Ashley would enjoy looking through the photos. They could see how much had changed since he was a baby. He sat in the living room waiting patiently.

Andy dreaded this. He both loved and hated that book. It was either going to make Ashley happy or sad. Either way he was in the crosshairs. He checked his attitude at the bathroom door and let Ashley walk him to the living room once they were done in the bathroom.

“Guess what? Uncle Jinxx got you a present,” CC teased.

Ashley beamed. He tried his best to ask what it was.

“Since we’re going to the park again tomorrow, he got you some stuff to make sandcastles,” CC said happily.

Andy smiled over that and his attitude changed a bit until he saw the photo album sitting on the coffee table. He wanted CC to keep Ashley distracted long enough so he could grab the album and hide it but then again he never looked at it. It was another one of Ashley’s private things he didn’t share. The only pictures Andy saw of Ashley’s childhood were from their trips to Missouri.

“Andy, ead?” Ashley asked sweetly.

It made it impossible to say no when he looked up lovingly at Andy. He swallowed his pride as he took a seat next to CC and helped Ashley get seated on his lap. The book was handed over and Ashley was keen to help turn the pages. The first page lead to the message that Andy dreaded, and Ashley stopped to stare at it.

“Ash, may your imagination always allow you to be the king of your world. We’ll eat you up - we love you so. See you soon. Love mom and dad,” Andy almost didn’t finish reading the last part. His eyes were itching as he cleared his throat.

Ashley noticed right away. He gave him a sympathetic smile as he turned the page. “Andy, ih ohay. Ashwee appy,” he said reassuringly.

Andy continued as Ashley turned the pages for him. The whole time Ashley tried to say things along with him as they read together. As the story ended, Andy felt different. He couldn’t pinpoint exactly what the feeling was, it had to do with Ashley and this book. “I love you so much,” Andy said.

“Ashwee ove you oh uch, eah you up,” he said cheerfully. He flopped back in Andy’s arms to allow himself to stare up at his soulmate.

CC had seen Ashley flop across Andy’s lap and stare at him lovingly many times. He was happy for them as he watched the baby act like he usually would as an adult. CC pulled his phone out of his sweater pocket and took a photo of Ashley grinning. “We need more photos of you guys together,” CC said getting up to take another photo of Ashley in Andy’s arms.

They humored CC until Ashley spotted his photo album on the table.

“Alum?” Ashley asked. He was looking at Andy for approval.

Andy put the story book on the coffee table and picked up the photo album. In his lap, the baby got comfortably seated again. Ashley didn’t waste time as he opened the front cover and pointed to a picture of a young woman.

“Mommy,” he said cheerfully.

-

Ashley was enthralled in the photo album. His baby form pointed out his mom in all the photos that covered the first page. He admired the way her smile mirrored his and how they shared the same eyes. She was beautiful as she stood posing for the camera. Most of the photos were taken around the farm or town.

She was a dancer and artist.

“She made up fantastic stories and always found ways to incorporate my characters,” Ashley said to himself. Inside he was warm and content. He missed her every day, she remained a reason to stay motivated and pursue his dreams. “She would have really liked you, Andy.”

There was no sadness.

He planned to let Andy in. He treated his parents like a secret and he was tired of that. It didn’t make him feel better when he missed them. Ashley knew Andy stood in the doorway silently trying to find words or a way to offer him support. His grandma was the one who kept saying if he would talk about them he would be happier. She asked him for years to try and he rejected too.

“I used to fear if I talked about them then I would forget them,” Ashley laughed. It seemed childish. His mom used to tell him stories about whispering secrets to the wind. The words would be carried away forever. He associated talking about them to losing their memory. He held onto that belief his whole life.

“I have so many memories I want to share with you, Andy. I want you to know who they were,” Ashley whispered.

-

The woman Ashley pointed out as mommy was beautiful. Both Andy and CC were staring at the photos on the page as the baby flipped the page to show off more of her photos. Ashley babbled incoherently over each picture, he had a blissful expression as he admired each one.

“Daddy!” Ashley shrieked as he pointed out a boy on a motorcycle. The pages were filled with him playing with his band, riding his motorcycle, and hanging out with Ashley’s mom.

“Did your mom make this album?” CC asked curiously. He noticed the pages of concert tickets and trips they took after their graduation.

Ashley nodded. “Nana oo,” he said.

Then came the wedding photos, family photos, and the most important Ashley.

“Ashley was born at 4:40 am on January 28th. You were six pounds,” Andy read aloud from the birth announcement. “You were so little. Look at you,” he said.

CC laughed at a photo of Ashley sitting in hay crying. “This is my favorite photo,” he said.

Andy’s favorite photo was Ashley watching a record spin on the turn table.

“Me,” Ashley said pointing out a certain photo he seemed to love. It was him with his parents sitting on his dad’s motorcycle.

That was where the photos became thin. Each page there were less family photos and more of Ashley with his grandparents. School photos and highlights of each year filled the pages until they reached high school. That was Andy and CC’s revelation that Ashley was not only into art and music but sports too.

“Ashwee made,” he said as they passed his high school graduation photo. The pages were full of his college years, his bands, and memories. As he eagerly flipped another page there was a few pages dedicated to Black Veil Brides. A few pages were dedicated to family, the dogs, and lastly Andy.

“You put me in your album?”

Ashley nodded and pointed at a photo. “Ip o Mihee,” he said slowly.

“Yah, that was our trip to Missouri. That was Disney World,” Andy said pointing to another photo of them together. “This was our first date. You almost threw up on the Fireball. Why did we think a carnival was a good first date?”

-

“Because you always wanted to go to a country carnival,” Ashley chuckled.

The spot light was blinding him as they went through his photo album. He looked forward to the next few pages which were filled with their tour photos and lastly the ones he added before they had their fight. The photos were from their return home from tour. Them playing with the dogs and being silly together.

The last photo was them sitting together on the couch each holding a dog. Ashley had captioned it in his loopy handwriting ‘Our Family’.

-

Andy came to the last page and there was no holding back his tears. Ashley referring to him as his family opened his eyes. It made Andy truly appreciate the man in his life. “Do you really want to call me family? Do I even deserve that?” Andy asked.

CC pulled the album from Andy's hands to place it on the coffee table.

“Yah, Ashwee ove Andy. Oul may,” the baby said cuddling up to Andy.

The drummer clapped his hand down onto Andy’s shoulder and gave it a squeeze. “You said things in anger. That doesn’t mean you are unlovable. Ashley loves you for so many reasons. All you need to do is step up and be the man he needs,” CC said.

“Oul may.”

Andy hugged Ashley tight against his chest. The tiny human wiggled to get himself comfortable.

“Ashwee Andy oul may?” the baby asked curiously.

“Yes. You are my soulmate,” Andy laughed.

CC found a clever excuse to leave and promised Ashley they’d play airplane in the morning.

Andy sat with Ashley cradled in his arms as they stared at each other. The baby’s hand was wrapped around his finger. “I understand that I deserve your love and you mine. CC is right, I need to step up and be the man you need. I can’t keep saying cruel things to you. This home is ours and I should be helping you. Don’t let me be lazy anymore. You do everything for us while I make up excuses. I should never have made comments about being a parent to you. I know how much you miss your parents, I still feel bad about bringing them into this,” Andy said calmly.

“Ih ohay,” Ashley replied.

The younger boy tapped his finger onto the tip of Ashley’s dainty nose. He loved him with all his heart and today was special. “Thank you for showing me your photo album. When you are ready to tell me about your mom and dad, I will listen. Ashley, as your soulmate I promise to never call you hurtful things again. Those words I said were cruel. I only said them because I know you get mad when people insult your character,” Andy said taking a breath. “I want you to know how sincerely sorry I am for saying that I hated you. I was mad over something stupid. If I would have taken a breath and talked to you, I know you would have defused my tantrum. I could never hate you, it was said out of anger and I felt regret the moment I said it. I don’t expect you to forgive me right away. Ash, you don’t deserve to feel sad or cry because I say mean things. I want to change and be a better man for you.”

“Ih Andy mad?” Ashley asked.

-

“Talk to me, sweetheart,” Ashley said as he paced around the room.

His baby form smiled in encouragement to coax Andy into talking. All these admissions increased the brightness of the spot light and Ashley’s own feelings were uplifted. He’d forgiven Andy earlier because he didn’t want to hold a grudge while his boyfriend tried to care for him. His love outweighed his need to be vengeful.

His baby form repeated the question again.

-

Andy chuckled and adjusted the baby to stand on his knees. “You mentioned us going stargazing together and when you said you were going out with CC, I got mad. I’m should have just talked to you,” he admitted.

“Oh, Andy,” Ashley said. His expression was understanding and kind. He leaned forward to kiss Andy.

The younger man pecked him back. “I know. It’s stupid,” he said.

“No,” Ashley said reassuringly.

-

Ashley sat back on the couch.

He had promised to spend time with Andy and mentioned stargazing. The memory came flooding back to him. They had been laying in bed in post-sex cuddle when he said he wanted to spend time with Andy.

“I did say that, baby. I hope through this experience we can learn to talk to each before it turns into a fight,” Ashley said.

-

They had a snuggle while they appreciated each other.

For supper they had spaghetti and Ashley treated the meat sauce like paint. Even with a bib, he was a complete mess. Andy spent most of his meal asking Ashley not to play with his food. He figured it was a ploy to have another bath. Ashley loved playing in the bubbles. He wouldn’t get out of the tub until his fingers and toes were pruney.

Ashley was full of energy and walking around the coffee table. Tokyo and Killer followed him as Andy jotted down their day in his notebook. He looked up ever few minutes to make sure Ashley was still okay. Usually after supper or a bath the baby was calm. He was hyper as he walked around with his Hello Kitty stuffie. The Jungle Book was playing on the TV and Ashley chattered along when he liked the song.

“Slow down,” Andy warned as Ashley picked up his speed. He was worried that if he started running he’d trip and fall. Their living room wasn’t exactly the best set up for a baby. He had crossed then tucked his legs under the coffee table in case he managed to trip Ashley with his long limbs. Sitting on the floor had its rewards because he was closer to the baby, the down side was his butt hurt from sitting on the hardwood.

Ashley stopped his game of follow the leader and stood next to Andy at the coffee table. Tokyo and Killer sat down waiting for the game to start again.

“Hi,” Andy said acknowledging his boyfriend.

Loud babbling and laugher erupted from Ashley as he threw his Hello Kitty stuffie on the table. His small hand grabbed a crayon to hold up. He showed Andy what he had then pointed to the notebook.

“I see. What color is that?”

Ashley studied the crayon in his hands then gazed back at Andy. “Puh puhi,” he said trying to form his words.

Andy put his pen down and gave his full attention to Ashley. “P is a hard letter to start but you’ve got it. Try saying it slowly,” he encouraged.

“Puh-in-k,” Ashley said. He struggled a bit with pronouncing the word which made him seem disappointed.

“Don’t look sad. I’m so proud of your language development today,” Andy said. He enjoyed praising Ashley when he figured out words. Then there was his accomplishment of walking by himself as well. Their day was full of things that ought to be celebrated.

Ashley colored in the margins of Andy’s notebook while he documented their day. He tried to say all his colors as he held up each crayon. He’d point to the animals on the TV and tried to name them too. It was the word ‘yellow’ that had Andy’s heart melting again. Ashley attempts with yellow came out as ‘lello’ and he was crossing his arms over his chest as he pouted.

It was past nine when Andy was finally finished writing everything out and Ashley was amped up again. He was back to his follow the leader game with the dogs. Andy watched him move independently and he suddenly missed when Ashley needed him. “How am I going to put you to bed if you’re all hyper and moving about?” Andy asked Ashley.

“Dance,” Ashley squealed loudly.

Andy was tired; dancing was the last thing he thought he wanted to do until Ashley got a CD. It occurred to him that the baby was more mobile and could get into trouble. Andy took the offered CD only to laugh. “The Doobie Brothers eh? Which song?” he asked flipping the CD case over to show the song list.

Ashley pointed to track one and clapped his hands together.

Andy got up from his spot and walked over to the stereo. He extracted the CD from the case, put it into the stereo, and hit play. He sat back down on the floor to be near Ashley.

-

Ashley tapped his foot as the song echoed everywhere.

The song was significant. He needed to see if Andy recognized the song. It was a song that Ashley loved. He sung it a lot when he played guitar or needed to remind himself that he was once a singer. It was hard to not start singing along. He watched Andy closely as he waited.

“There ain’t nothin’ we can’t do or say. Feelin’ good, feelin’ fine. Oh, baby let the music play,” Ashley sang along with the song.

-

“Woah, listen to the music,” Andy sang along.

Ashley was in awe as he listened to his boyfriend sing along. “Oah, ihen o ha muhik,” he sang too.

“Woah, listen to the music all the time.”

The bridge cut in and Andy stopped singing. He caught himself staring right into Ashley’s eyes. He knew the song and his memories clicked together like puzzle pieces. Ashley wanted him to recall a certain memory which had him sifting through all the thoughts he had associated with the song.

-

“Remember.”

Ashley was still tapping his foot to the beat. He hummed along even though his baby form was told to keep its mouth shut.

“Please remember,” he whispered.

-

Ashley liked playing the song on guitar and singing along. He hummed it when he did his make up on tour. When he was in a bad mood it was his feel-good song. One of the few songs he would listen to on repeat.

Andy narrowed his eyes when he thought he might have landed on the memory. Ashley was still connected to him with his piercing gaze as he waited. Andy worried his lip, particularly his lip ring as he delivered his answer. “Was this the song playing during our first kiss?” he asked cautiously.

It was Ashley’s turn to become the slushy emotional puddle as his eyes welled up.

“You said you wanted to dance, Ash. Let’s dance to our song,” Andy said untangling his legs and picking up his boyfriend. They went back to the stereo and he let Ashley push the arrow to get them back to track one. When the song started, Andy spun them around quickly. Ashley laughed and demanded they spin again. Andy danced around the living room. He dipped the baby back and would smother him in kisses when he was upright again. They swayed, spun, and moved around the living room the whole time laughing together.

When the song ended, Ashley was yawning.

Andy swept a few strands of hair away from his boyfriend’s face. “It’s getting late. Should we get ready for bed?” he asked.

“Yah,” Ashley said around another yawn.

They had a routine of washing their faces then brushing teeth. They would change into their pajamas which was an adventure. Ashley hated his footed pajamas and fussed over wearing them. He kicked his feet while making it clear he was not happy over his feet covered. When they were finally settled in bed, the dogs crept their way into the room, and got up on the bed. They knew they weren’t allowed to sleep with them but could cuddle while they watched TV.

Ashley was yawning non-stop. He crawled out of his pillow crib over to Andy. In his usual fashion, Ashley wiggled his way into his boyfriend’s arms and got himself comfortable. “You and me,” Ashley said softly.

Andy protectively wrapped his arms around his boyfriend and took hold of his hand. He rubbed his thumb against Ashley’s palm as he pressed a kiss to the baby’s forehead. They had a goodnight ritual as they lay together in bed. Andy was the one who started it back when he was scared Ashley would find someone older. He would every night reiterate that it was them-you and me. As their relationship progressed it was Ashley who would reminded him. “It will always be you and me,” Andy replied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The much overdue chapter!  
> I hope you all enjoy this one, it was a lot of fun to write.  
> The song is Listen To The Music by The Doobie Brothers  
> Disclaimer: I don't mean any offense to Ashley losing his parents. I based this around losing my dad as a kid. The whole set up and memories are ones based on my family/childhood. I just wanted to make that clear.  
> Happy reading <3


	7. Chapter 7

Jake was elated as he watched Jinxx play with Ashley.

“The itsy-bitsy spider went up the water spout,” Jinxx said taking Ashley’s hands in his as he helped him with the actions. “Down came the rain and washed the spider out,” he said in a bubbly voice.

Ashley pulled his hands out of Jinxx’s grip and put them above his head.

“That’s right, out came the sun, and dried up all the rain,” Jinxx said. He showed Ashley how to make a spider by himself then they could finish the poem. “And the itsy-bitsy spider went up the spout again.”

Jake clapped his hands and wished he recorded Jinxx singing. “Come to uncle Jake,” he said to Ashley. They were babysitting while Andy and CC went out shopping. They were sworn to secrecy as to why. Ashley assumed it was groceries and had nothing to do with him. Jake jumped at the opportunity to babysit and offered to be over there as soon as he was needed.

“Elp me, ay EE,” Ashley demanded as he walked over to Jake.

Jinxx snickered at the bossiness the baby had as he looked rather serious.

“Jake,” he whined.

They were both aware that Ashley woke up with more attitude this morning. It wasn’t that he was in a bad mood, he had a lot more to say, and his normal personality was showing. He was being his usual diva self. Andy said he was being a real fuss over his hair which easily annoyed him. When CC arrived, he was quite particular in his want to be hugged and the promised game of airplane.

“I was thinking play a game but yah I’ll help,” Jake said somewhat disappointed.

Ashley hugged Jake’s legs and looked up at him through his thick eyelashes. “Love you,” he said sweetly.

“Now you have too,” Jinxx said. He shuffled on his butt across the floor, he then could lean back against the couch, and rest his head on Jake’s thigh. Ashley’s face was level with his and he could easily help him with his words while Jake taught him.

Jake rest his hand on Jinxx’s head. He absentmindedly played with a strand of his hair as he looked back at Ashley. “Can we start with Jinxx’s name? It has the same sound you need for CC’s name,” Jake said as he started to slowly say Jinxx’s name on repeat.

Ashley followed instructions while saying the words with Jake. He held the length of the vowels and consonants based on what his friend did. After five minutes a word finally popped out of his mouth. “Jinxx,” he said softly.

“What was that munchkin?” Jinxx asked.

The baby was ecstatic as he repeated the guitarist’s name.

Jake nodded in approval. Next, he requested they work through Ashley’s name. It was time to get past Ashwee. They continued to slowly break down his first name and put the letters together. “Say it with me. Ah-sh-luh-ey,” he said on repeat with Ashley’s confident voice. It might have taken more time because of the ‘sh’ and ‘s’ sounds but Jake had all the patience in the world to help him.

“Ashley,” the baby cheered when he finally got the word. He pointed to himself then repeated his name. He pointed to Jake and Jinxx to say their names too.

Next was the name that was the most difficult. CC had the easiest name to spell and say. Jake was confident that if Ashley could say Jinxx he could say CC. “Ssss Ssss,” Jake hissed percussively.

Jinxx and Ashley copied. They all repeated the pattern until Ashley could separate the word.

“Ssssee Ssssee,” Jake tried as the next challenge.

Ashley played with the new pattern until he figured it out.

“Good job, muffin. You’ve got it. Now time to try See See,” Jake said happily. Watching Ashley hug his knees and look surprised every time he got clear words added to his elation.

Jinxx repeated CC’s name with Jake as they continued to encourage Ashley to get the last name of the band learned. They didn’t rush him as he worked along with them. Jinxx felt like their time spent with Ashley was strengthening their own relationship. It was forcing them to work together as a couple to help Ashley.

“CC,” Ashley finally squeaked.

Neither of them expected Ashley to tear up or seem sad. Jake picked him up to hug him. Jinxx got up from the floor to sit next to his boyfriend on the couch. While Jake held Ashley, he rubbed the baby’s back. Each of them asked why he was sad.

“You did a good job, munchkin,” Jinxx said lovingly.

Jake lightly bounced Ashley and hummed to him. “I’m proud of you. Do you want ice cream? We brought ice cream with us,” Jake countered.

“If you don’t smile the tickle monster will get you,” Jinxx said lightly tickling Ashley’s side.

Ashley squealed in laughter and buried his face into Jake’s chest.

Jinxx gave Jake a devilish look. It silently hinted for him to tickle Ashley. They both took advantage of Ashley’s distaste for being ticklish. They each tickled one of his sides as the baby erupted into laughter. No amount of twisting or turning made escape easier.

“NO!” Ashley screamed loudly even though he was laughing.

-

“You guys need to stop,” Ashley laughed.

He feared he was about to get the hiccups, he was laughing that hard. The feeling of being held close to Jake for once was a dissimilar experience. They would unleash their craziness upon the world during photo shoots. Ashley was usually the one instigating the clowning around and Jake would join in soon followed by CC. This was probably the first time Jake had ever hugged him.

Andy did all the intimate hugging while CC was more of a brotherly hugger. Jinxx only hugged him when Andy was unavailable while Jake watched from a safe distance.

He was only moody because he was getting tired. Jinxx and Jake had him at the park early to play in the sand before it rained. Then they returned to the apartment for an early lunch and to play indoors. Jinxx was all for singing kids songs while Jake was more into imagination play. It provided a lot of entertainment for Ashley to watch his friend’s humor his baby form.

“I can’t wait until I'm an adult again. This whole napping for three hours of the day is not productive,” Ashley grumbled. He rubbed his eyes and tried to stay focused. Being held by Jake was making him sleepy.

-

“What no more tickles from the tickle monster?” Jinxx taunted as he poked Ashley’s side again.

Ashley’s shrill voice yelling 'no' made Jinxx stop bugging him. “Tired!” the baby wailed.

Jake shushed him and gave his back a rub. He hummed while slowly swaying side to side. He liked babies and tended to be great with any child within his vicinity. Jake’s family had a bunch of cousins, nieces, and nephews which made family gathers fun for him. When he took Jinxx home with him, he enjoyed watching his friend struggle to socialize with the kids. If it was musical, reading a story, or doing crafts he was good at entertaining the kids until he started talking about history. That was usually when the kids fled to find Jake. Jinxx was good with Ashley though. Whatever was requested he would happily do.

“Should we put him in his crib?” Jinxx whispered.

“No, Ash is comfy. I could use some coffee though,” Jake replied. He didn’t want to give up his cuddle time with Ashley. It seemed everyone else got snuggles, hugs, and love from the baby. It was finally his turn to be needed.

Jinxx grumbled and got up to get two cups of coffee. He liked spending time with Jake and Ashley. They wasted no time getting the baby to the park to play. They wanted to nurture Ashley’s needs. Jinxx checked the time on the stove and noted that it was the baby’s nap time before he returned with the coffee. Jake was already ahead of him by switching the channel from Sesame Street to the sports network. He set the coffee mugs down then snuggled close to Jake and Ashley.

“We could be parents,” Jake mused aloud as he looked down at Ashley.

It was a wonderful thought in the moment. A fleeting dream that couldn’t and wouldn’t happen for a while. Jinxx really looked at the baby nestled in Jake’s arms. Only one of them looked natural when dealing with miniature humans while the other was good with dealing with adult ‘children’. Jinxx wanted to point out that they never established what they were. They’d yet to came to that conclusion. They continued to comfortably exist around each other only they held hands and kissed more in front of their friends. The idea of being parents together somewhat scared and intrigued Jinxx all at once. “It’s easy to want a baby when it’s Ashley,” Jinxx said reaching out to gently trace designs on the baby’s back.

“I think you will be a good parent when the times comes,” Jake said sincerely.

Jinxx wanted to believe that could be true.

“Maybe one of your Latin spells laced with karma could turn CC into a toddler. Long as he’s potty trained, having a stubborn child like Ashley in diapers is annoying,” Jake said. It was true. Ashley was downright stubborn about anyone but Andy changing his diaper. Jake had learned for the second time that he was not going to get more than an ear ache as Ashley screamed and aggressively slapped his hands away.

That tantrum had Jinxx cooing and explaining that he could be respectful over a diaper change. The only reason he was successful at changing Ashley’s diaper was allowing him independence. A wet diaper meant he could easily boss the baby around to do things by himself. The only time Jinxx was needed was to secure the diaper onto him then dress him. It seemed Ashley was eager to do things on his own. He made a point of trying to put his shoes on by himself. He wanted to walk without help and try using a spoon while eating his applesauce at lunch. The idea of CC being a toddler was nightmarish. “I’m done messing around with spells. We can enjoy the time we have with Ashley then one day maybe we’ll worry about our own kids,” Jinxx said.

“Your coffee is getting cold.”

Jinxx continued to rub Ashley’s back as he slept. He didn’t want to break the connection he had with both his boys. “So is yours,” he replied.

“I’m going to miss him being like this,” Jake said sadly.

“He’ll let you hug him when he’s an adult,” Jinxx replied knowingly.

Across town Andy was walled up in CC’s apartment as they worked on their project. They borrowed Ashley’s photo album and gathered everyone’s photos taken over the last few days. Andy took the paintings with him too. They chose certain photos to be printed and copied then went shopping for frames. The whole goal was to get the photos prepared in frames then sneak back while Ashley napped to install them in the bedroom.

Andy chose to collage all the photos of each of band member with baby Ashley in one frame. Another photo was of him and Ashley covered in paint, that would hang beside their framed paintings. Andy collaged another frame with photos of him and Ashley throughout their relationship. Then there was their family photo with the dogs, Ashley with his grandparents, Andy with his parents, and lastly Ashley with his parents sitting on the motorcycle.

“You don’t think I am dwelling right?” Andy asked as he finished another frame.

CC admired the work then returned to the frame he was setting up. “Nope. I think Ashley showing you his album proves he truly loves and trusts you. This is your way of honoring that trust,” he said.

“I love this photo,” Andy said. It was the photo of him smoking and Ashley pulling his gum out of him mouth. They wore their matching 'fuck you' shirts. For the longest time that was his background on his phone until he changed it to Ashley wearing his Hello Kitty hat.

Andy and CC went back to work. They didn’t want to waste anymore time admiring photos. There were extra prints for everyone to tuck away when this all became a distant memory. It would be something none of them as a band and friends would forget.

It was nearing 2:30 when Andy and CC arrived back to the apartment. They were greeted by Jinxx who was the only one awake. Jake had dozed off while he held Ashley against his chest. That gave all three of them time to get the pictures hung up in the bedroom.

“I’m about to hit you with the hammer,” Jinxx threatened as CC adjusted the pictures on the wall again.

Andy was on a similar violent path as Jinxx. The frames had been switched around by CC one to many times in his pursuit to make everything perfect. “I’m about to second that,” Andy agreed.

“Step back and look,” CC said in a cocky tone. He was sick of his friends’ inability to see how crooked the frames were. Ashley would make sure the frames were level. He wanted to get the pictures hung up. There were dishes he could wash and sort neatly into the cabinets he organized the day before.

Jinxx stepped back first to survey the wall. His stomach turned as it became clear CC was right. The photos were level and the presentation surpassed the original layout. He nodded his approval to the drummer. He knew better than to challenge CC’s OCD tendencies.

Andy on the other hand would challenge him. He took a confident step back and prepared his argument that his layout was better. His eyes scanned the wall as he looked at CC’s design. In the middle was the photo Ashley and Andy’s family photo. The other frames were strategically placed in somewhat of a theme. “Damn it, CC,” Andy said giving him wide smile.

None of them heard or noticed the tiny being that made its way down the hallway. The sound of dog toenails clicked against the hardwood as they followed Ashley towards the bedroom. Jake was awake but was laying on the couch like a corpse after Ashley wiggled and thrashed to be released.

-

Ashley was in a daze as he walked towards the bedroom. He’d woken up with Jake which was somewhat nice and weird all at once. He heard voices coming from the bedroom which guided him there.

“Why is everyone in my bedroom?” Ashley asked as he rubbed at his eyes. Even his infant form was rubbing his eyes. The world was blurry on the edges making it hard to see clearly. His stubby limbs woke up faster than his vision. No matter how much he rubbed his eyes it took them a long time to adjust.

-

“Shit,” squeaked a tiny voice.

Jinxx whipped around first to see Ashley standing in the doorway. He watched the baby squint and knead his eyes more.

“What’s up, panda?” Andy said cheerfully when he turned around to find Ashley. He too didn’t miss the obvious sign that the baby kept rubbing his eyes. “Are you eyes dry? Come here and I’ll make it all better,” he said squatting down, opening his arms to his boyfriend.

Ashley pouted and didn’t move from his spot at the door.

“Stop rubbing your eyes, peanut,” CC said soon joining the party of concerned adults.

-

“Stop rubbing my eyes? Hate to see how you would fair with shitty vision, CC.”

Ashley couldn’t stop. The moment he started he knew something was off. The spot light didn’t seem as bright due to the blur in his vision. His eyes burned as if he fell asleep with his contacts in. He needed saline.

He had to use all his force to make both his forms stop bothering his eyes. The constant rubbing was only skewing his vision and making it harder for him to regain clarity. The itching and burning didn’t stop though if anything when he was rubbing his eyes it distracted away from the irritation.

-

“CC, go get me the eye drops from our bathroom, please,” Andy demanded. He crawled forward on his knees and held his hands out to Ashley. All the rapid blinking and redness of Ashley’s eyes had Andy pulling him close to inspect them.

Jinxx followed CC to get a damp cloth to alleviate some of the swelling around Ashley’s eyelids.

Andy was gentle as he checked to see if it was a rouge eyelash or dog hair causing irritation. He noticed how red and veiny Ashley’s eyes had gotten from all the unnecessary rubbing. He mimicked his boyfriend’s pout only to be squinted at. “Are you going to cooperate if I put eye drops in your eyes?” Andy asked.

“Yah,” Ashley whined. His pouty lip quivered only to add to his pitiful answer.

On the rare occasion, Ashley needed Andy to administer his eyedrops. It was the days where his eyes were dry and itchy to the point that it obscured his vision causing him panic. He would blink to rapidly to get any of the saline into his eyes. His eyelashes fluttered like spasmodic butterfly wings. He made Andy hold his eye open and drop the saline into his eyes. It really was a rare occurrence but obviously not rare enough to skip infanthood.

Andy stood up and walked them both over to the bed. It was always easier to do eye drops with Ashley lying down. He put the baby in the pillow crib and took hold of his tattooed hands. His thumbs massaged the middle of Ashley’s palms as he cooed at him. Any worries that were floating around his boyfriend’s head he wanted to calm before he did the eye drops. “Guess who loves you?” Andy asked sweetly.

“Andy,” Ashley answered back.

The younger man chuckled. “Yah, I love you. I wonder who loves me?” he said playfully.

“Me, Ashley,” the baby replied.

CC snuck in to hand the eyedrops and a wet cloth to Andy. He left to wash dishes while Jinxx went to sit with Jake. Neither of them wanted to stand over Andy’s shoulder. They went their separate ways in the apartment to wait for the boys to join them.

Andy set the eyedrops aside and took the warm wash cloth to hopefully sooth some of the swelling. “How does that feel?” he asked. He was careful around his boyfriend’s eyes as he cleaned the area.

Ashley clenched his eyes tighter together. “Itchy,” he said trying to bring his hands up to his face.

“Panda, no,” Andy warned as he dropped the cloth to grab the small hands.

The baby blindly flailed his arms in frustration. “Itchy!” Ashley screamed loud enough to alert everyone in the apartment he was planning to scream his lungs out given the chance. His chest was heaving as he prepared to make Andy suffer along with him.

“I hear you. If you'd stop flopping around like a trout, I could put the eye drops in. Then maybe you can have some Tylenol and I’ll make you a snack,” Andy said. His patience had improved since Ashley became a baby. He was getting good at defusing situations before they started. He could see the warning signs more clearly when Ashley was preparing to make himself heard.

Ashley stopped his blind assault only to keep his verbal one going. He gave a good Axl Rose level scream that made Andy scowl at him.

“I understand that your eyes are itchy. I know that you don’t like when this happens to you. I know you probably have sore eyes and woke up from a good sleep to be confronted with this. You need to calm down because I can’t make this better unless you are calm. It’s okay, baby. It’s shitty but I know how to fix this if you’ll let me,” Andy reasoned.

That seemed to stop the hissy fit. Ashley peeled his eyes open to stare up at Andy. His lip quivered as he pouted and looked sad.

“It’ll be quick. Just two drops in each eye,” Andy said softly. He picked up the eye drops and uncapped the bottle. He moved slow as to not cause panic as he used his free hand to hold open Ashley’s eyes one at a time to squeeze the drops in. He told Ashley he had goldfish crackers for him which served as a good distraction. He managed to get the last drop in before Ashley pushed his hands away.

-

Ashley kept his eyes shut and enjoyed the cooling sensation against his eyeballs. There was instant relief from the saline. The promise of Tylenol would help with the dull aches from over rubbing his eyes.

“Thank god,” he whispered. He stayed laying on the velvet couch to allow himself time to adjust. He was rather fortunate that he was permitted a few days of good vision and his eyes not bothering him.

After a few minutes, Ashley opened his eyes a blinked a few times. Things were a bit better though his vision continued to be blurry on the edges. He looked around both his inner prison and the normal world only to notice there was no true clarity. He continued to open and close his eyes as if he could will his vision to focus. The blurred sides stayed causing him to squint.

Ashley wondered if this was a breakthrough or a setback. He looked up to the spot light and tried focusing on the bright light. “Is this a good sign?” he asked.

The light was unchanging.

“Bad sign?”

The light remained the same.

Ashley closed his eyes again and tried to will his vision to focus. When he finally gained the courage to open his eyes he was met with something more disappointing…a blurry world.

-

Andy gave Ashley the Tylenol as promised. He made a snack that went untouched even though it was goldfish crackers. He noticed Ashley kept squinting even an hour later.

Jinxx and Jake had left to go to a movie and CC wanted to go home to clean his apartment.

They were alone and for the first time the silence was unsettling for Andy. They sat in the living room with the TV on. Grease played but Ashley seemed disinterested. He sat staring off into the distance though he kept narrowing his eyes. He opened and closed them more times than Andy could count. He soon urged Ashley to eat his snack only then did he see that his boyfriend was struggling to grab the crackers from the dish.

“I’ll be right back,” Andy said. He dashed off to the bedroom and went right for Ashley’s bedside table. He grabbed the glasses case off the table top then returned to the living room. He felt foolish that he didn’t figure it out sooner. He took the thick framed glasses from the case as he sat down next to Ashley and placed them on him face.

Ashley’s face lit up instantly. The distant stare long gone and replaced with a look of gratitude. The glasses were a bit big though Andy found a quick solution to hold the legs together with a hair elastic. “Thank you,” Ashley whispered.

Andy pulled his phone out to take a photo of baby Ashley wearing his glasses. He would cherish that photo forever. The one he loved most of Ashley as a baby. He truly looked like a miniature version of his adult counterpart. “Looking cute,” Andy purred.

The managed to bring a smile to Ashley’s face and chase away that forlorn look.

“How was your day with Jinxx and Jake?” Andy asked. Jinxx filled him in on the day while they hung up the frames. He wanted to hear from Ashley what he thought was a highlight.

Ashley gave a shrug. He seemed to be back in his pity pit for some reason.

“What’s wrong? Aside from your vision being horrible again. Jinxx told me you guys went to the park to play in the sand, you guys played games at home then had lunch, and you had a giant cuddle with Jake,” Andy said repeating everything he heard.

“CC,” Ashley babbled.

Andy’s ears perked up. Did Ashley say CC’s name right?

“Want tell, CC,” Ashley said again.

He understood. This was the highlight of Ashley’s day. The seemingly minor thing Jinxx forgot to mention and Ashley didn’t get to share with his best friend. Andy scrolled through his phone until he came across CC’s name, hit the call button, and put the phone on speaker. He held his phone out to Ashley and let him hold the device.

“Andy? What do you want?” CC yelled into the phone. He was caught in the middle of one of his bleach cleaning rituals that should never be disturbed.

Andy shook his head and answered, “Ashley wants to tell you something. We can call back if you’re to busy with your bleach.”

“Bleach can wait. What did you want to tell me, peanut?” CC asked. He was genuinely interested.

Andy gave Ashley a nod of encouragement.

“CC,” Ashley said into the phone.

There was a brief silence on the other end. Ashley and Andy shared a confused glance between themselves as they waited for a response.

“CC!”

“When did you figure that out?” CC yelled jovially into the phone.

Ashley held up the phone to give it to Andy. He was sick of holding the device. “Jake,” he said.

Andy took the phone and held it up for them both.

CC continued to praise Ashley’s ability to say his name. The conversation moved to how the baby’s eyes were and if they could make plans to take Ashley out the next day. Ashley started to get impatient, he stood up and pulled on Andy’s arm.

-

“I’m hungry and you have a diaper to change,” Ashley said.

He was grateful over the glasses and eyedrops. He was finally content that he got to tell CC that he could say his name correctly. He enjoyed the praise until more pressing things came up.

The spot light gained its brightness.

“Andy, common I don’t want to sit in this diaper,” he begged.

He shook his head in frustration as he watched Andy continue to talk with CC. He had more words and if his boyfriend wouldn’t get off the phone he would have to do something drastic. Ashley wasn’t going to stew in his own mess.

Ashley pursed his lips and picked out the right word to get Andy’s attention.

He shot a glace up to the spot light before he uttered his chosen word. The light pulsed as if giving him permission to speak.

-

“FUCK,” Ashley yelled.

Andy’s cheery conversation instantly stopped as he narrowed his eyes at the baby. Jinxx and Jake would not approve of swearing. He gave Ashley the glare, the one that meant he was not impressed.

“Aw, shit,” Ashley uttered next.

CC asked if he heard that correctly only for Andy to say he’d handle it. The call was ended, and the phone placed on the table. Andy kept glaring at the baby holding onto his arm. “Aw, shit is right. Why are you swearing? Next, you’ll probably bite,” Andy scolded.

Ashley’s lip quivered as he got reprimanded.

“You are such an intelligent little thing, why tarnish it with potty words?” Andy asked. He didn’t realize he was lecturing more as a parent than a boyfriend.

-

“You said I could swear,” Ashley accused the spot light.

It shone brighter than it had beforehand.

Ashley rolled onto his side and stared into the remaining pockets of darkness. He could feel Andy’s disappointment penetrating his soul. The words were like daggers in his back.

He had words he could use to explain himself. He could hug Andy while using gestures to communicate his regrets. Ashley sensed disappointment as the guilt set in.

“You were right saying I was a disappointment,” he sniffled.

-

The sniffle translated into his baby form. Ashley plopped down on his bottom and let forth what was bothering him.

All Andy saw was tears, a quivering lip, snot bubbles, and tiny arms that made grabbing motions. His glare softened significantly. He wanted to be mad about the swearing because Jinxx and Jake wouldn’t approve. He didn’t know why he cared, Ashley swore a lot. Andy reached out only to have his hand slapped away for the first time. Instead of launching into another lecture, Andy took a breath before he tried to talk through what was going on with Ashley. “Ash, it’s okay. Can you calm down for me? Use your big boy words and tell me what’s wrong?” he said in a childish voice.

“You dismapointed,” Ashley blubbered.

Andy attempted to reach out again only to be met with opposition again.

“Me all yucky. Eel yucky,” the baby added.

There was a lot of snot flowing from Ashley’s nose. Then there were the tears and spit. He’d turned into a drool monster – no that it was anything new. Andy pulled the sleeve of his sweater down and tried to wipe Ashley’s nose only for the baby to jerk away. He kept reminding himself to be patient as he tried again.

“Tired of this,” Ashley said grumpily.

Andy finally got hold of the baby and plopped him down on his knee. He was grossed out by his instinct to wipe snot on his sweater but Ashely was a sight. “Let me wipe your nose you little booger,” Andy said going back to wipe his nose again.

“Stop! You righ me dismapoint you,” Ashley choked out. The tears were pouring faster down his cheeks. The drool and snot were soaking into Andy’s sweater. He was the definition of a mess in all ways.

“Oh, Ashes no. You don’t disappoint me at all. Can I take your glasses off?” Andy said. He didn’t let Ashley answer as he pulled the glasses off his boyfriend to place them safely on the table. “It’s going to be a bit blurry, I am right here. Tell me what else is wrong. Is it emotional hurt? Physical? Why are you so upset?” Andy asked.

Ashley felt along the arm that held him and gripped Andy’s index finger that rested on his hip. “Itchies, poopy, hungy, want to be ig again,” he listed off.

“Did I make you sad?” Andy asked. He hated seeing Ashley reduced to this.

Then came the wailing.

-

Ashley pulled himself into the fetal position as he cried.

He was tired of all the trials. The light seemed bright even through his blurred vision. He sensed they were nearing a breakthrough. Karma wouldn’t make him suffer from eye pain and his terrible vision for nothing. Him swearing was a test to see if Andy would overreact and set them back.

All the understanding and soft-spoken questions made Ashley wonder if it was only because he was little. Would Andy do that once they were back to normal?

He only started to wail because the next worst thing was about to happen, his stomach was turning. He wasn’t ready for this. He knew he didn’t have a choice. Karma had taken the wheel and planned to drive him to the one thing he thought he could avoid this whole time. Throwing up.

-

A small voice in the back of Andy’s mind (one silenced for the last few days) whispered a warning to him.

_Ashley’s got that look. Not the hiccup look…he’s going to puke._

Andy didn’t know what he was supposed to do. The way Ashley was wailing and breathing were clues that it was almost show time. He braced himself and didn’t make any swift movements or say anything. They were both aware of what was about to happen.

-

“I can’t,” Ashley yelled at nothing. “Don’t make me do this.”

The light continued to intensify.

The bile burned his throat and he could taste in on the back of his tongue. He knew he had two choices, he could either accept it was happening and throw up or he could fight it while painfully heaving his way through. The latter was usually how it went unless he was drunk or hungover in which case he didn’t care.

“What are you waiting for?” Ashley spat as the bile violent attacked his throat and mouth silencing him.

-

It was one swift breath both Andy and Ashley were covered in bile.

Andy was frozen in place as they both seemed terrified. Not once in their whole relationship had they thrown up on one another. Held each other’s hair back but never ended up in the splash zone.

Ashley was quick to recover as he started to cry and babble apologies.

“It had to happen eventually, right?” Andy said lightheartedly.

It didn’t help the matter.

Andy waited a second to be sure Ashley wouldn’t throw up again. When he was satisfied that enough time had passed, he stood up and walked towards the bathroom. Ashley threw up on his favorite sweater. He wanted to be mad only to realize it was only a sweater and Ashley was more important. They needed a bath.

-

Ashley wasn’t exactly happy as he slowly recovered.

If he had his glasses he would have saw how different the room around him was. He curled in around himself more as he breathed in slowly. He focused his breathing to calm himself down. Andy was about to face the next trail. Another thing to test his patience and potentially set them back.

His skin crawled at the thought.

Ashley was aware of the diaper situation. He knew Andy was going to have a tough time not melting down and he was the one stuck in the diaper.

-

Andy recalled Ashley saying poopy. Did he mean diaper or his stomach?

He didn’t bother asking. He sat Ashley down for a moment to peel off his sweater then lay out the changing pad. He got the baby wipes ready. Ashley didn’t resist him when he laid him down. Andy had to start with the pair of black pants Ashley was in. It was his first piece of official baby clothing. Andy cringed and was thankful the baby couldn’t see his face as he peeled the damp pants off him.

“Andy?” Ashley squeaked.

Andy hummed to reassure him all was good. He knew from the moment he undid the buttons on the onesie that this was a packed and leaky diaper. Ashley was fussing and swearing because he was literally sitting in shit. All the while Andy kept talking to CC as the baby begged for attention. “I’m so sorry you felt yucky, panda,” Andy said sincerely.

“Bubbles?” Ashley asked. The inflection in his voice was hopeful.

Andy wiped the baby down and peeled the offensive diaper off. He gagged a little knowing this was his fault. He deserved to feel pangs of nausea overcome him. Andy thoroughly cleaned up the mess then his hands. He peeled the star patterned onesie off Ashley then started his next cleaning ritual of the snotty nose. “I liked that onesie,” Andy said sadly. He didn’t think it was worth trying to save, it would stain. It was destined for the trash.

A bath with lots of bubbles seemed to chase away the gray cloud that came to visit them. Ashley splashed about like a bird in a bird bath. He was drenched while Andy slowly worked his way there. He kept a watchful eye on Ashley as he worried about the vision problem. He pondered some solutions as they played.

“Do you still have your black glasses?” Andy asked curiously. While touring Ashley’s glasses kept falling apart. He spent more time screwing them back together than wearing them. Upon their arrival home he ordered a replacement pair and the blue ones.

Ashley stopped his game of splash to answer the question. “Yah, drawer,” he said. He slammed his tiny hands hard into the water in his attempts to get Andy drenched.

“I know they are already broken but I think we can rig something up to fit you better,” Andy said as he shielded his face with his free hand.

It never ceased to amaze Andy how much water Ashley could splash around the bathroom for being such a small human. Once their hair was washed and both toweled off, Ashley sat in his diaper squinting as Andy dried most of the bathroom with a towel. He made annoyed sounds when he wanted to know something.

“Let’s go find those glasses,” Andy said walking Ashley out of the bathroom. In the bedroom they got dressed and found the glasses. Ashley was holding them up to his face and looking through them. It was clear to Andy that Ashley’s happiness depended on being able to see the world. It had to mean they were getting closer to ending their date with karma if his boyfriend’s vision was back to normal. Getting the glasses back proved to be more of an issue. “I promise, I will give them right back to you. I need to see how I can make them smaller,” Andy said pulling the glasses away from Ashley’s death grip.

-

“Ugh, hurry please,” Ashley said.

He was still curled up on the couch. His tummy grumbled reminding him that he missed snack. He needed to decide what he wanted more, glasses or food.

-

Andy studied the well-worn pair of glasses and knew exactly what to do with them. It would involve a trip to Target though. He needed a few things that wouldn’t be around the apartment. A quick trip out would be good for them. Then once the glasses were fitted, he could show Ashley the bedroom wall.

Ashley didn’t let him forget that he promised to give him back the glasses. The only way he was silent was between spoonfuls of yogurt and oatmeal.

“I know, I promised,” Andy said softly. He shoved another spoonful of oatmeal into Ashley’s mouth. “We need to get a few things. Once I cut the legs off the glasses to shorten them, we need to make sure they won’t fall off right?”

There was no need for further explanation. Ashley stopped bugging him on repeat over wanting to see. Andy checked the time on the stove and breathed out a shaky breath. He wanted to get in and out of Target in record time. After super Ashley unintentionally had his hands carded in Andy’s long hair. He was clinging to the strands of hair as Andy put his shoes on.

Ashley babbled through all the names he could say and tried to slowly say Tokyo and Killer’s names. He eventually went into a long winded incoherent babble as he waited. The dogs ran around assuming they were going for another walk. “Puppies?” Ashley asked sweetly.

“You want to take the dogs with us?” Andy inquired. He was finally done lacing up his boots that had numerous teeth marks all over the leather. He didn’t have the heart to say no, Ashley was having such a roller-coaster of a day, and that was a perfect excuse that they needed to hurry their shopping trip along. Ashley was squinting at him again, his eyes narrowed made him look like he was mad but his chubby cheeks and duck lips meant he was focused. Andy knew that there was some clarity when Ashley was close enough to what he looked at though he didn’t know how the baby's vision compared to the adult version. Distance was the main concern. “Can you see me?” Andy asked curiously.

Ashley stared at him through narrowed eyes before answering. “Inda,” he said sadly.

-

He wanted to stop talking about his vision. It was making him more frustrated that he was waiting for glasses. He tried not to have a sour mood. Andy was going to make sure he could see, all he needed to do was be patient.

It was another first for him, he didn’t like being patient.

-

With the dogs on leashes and Ashley swaddled in his warmest clothes, they headed down to the parking garage. Andy got a few odd looks from people who recognized him in the building. They seemed more confused about the baby than anything else. Andy thanked whatever higher power had Ashley and the dogs cooperating long enough to get everyone in the car.

“Should we get another pack of diapers while we’re out?” Andy asked. He peeked in the rear-view mirror to look back at Ashley, even if he didn’t have the best visual. He disliked how quiet everything seemed as they drove. Even with the radio on and the dogs panting loudly it didn’t help.

Ashley was dozing off in his car seat. He couldn’t help it; the humming of the engine and movement of the car was relaxing. He’d only gone for two car trips that he was aware of. One he screamed the whole drive home and the other he watched the rain drops on the window. He could hear Andy trying to make conversation with no real success of getting an answer.

At a light, Andy quickly glanced over his shoulder to see Ashley dozing in and out, while the dogs sat nicely on the back seat. He planned to get them something for being good and not chewing any of the baby’s stuff. They tried to grab Sophie the Giraffe only to realize how scary a baby yelling was. Andy thought the dogs were getting better from this experience. As he drove the word family bounced around his mind while he appreciated Ashley and the dogs. They weren’t ready to expand the family with a baby but the thought of maybe opening their hearts to a new pet would work. He still had a terrible case of baby fever and there was a small void that needed to be filled. Andy daydreamed about the future as he drove.

He was disappointed to find Ashley asleep once they arrived at their destination, he parked the car, and braved the rain as he opened the passenger door. Next, he did the cruelest thing he could ever do, he woke the baby up. He lightly poked and tickled Ashley’s sides. “Wake up, Ashy,” he taunted. If he had to suffer through a shopping trip he wanted his boyfriend suffering too.

Ashley grumbled while pulling the hands away from his sides.

“You sleep to much!” Andy whined. He continued to prod his boyfriend. “Unless you’re going to be taller when you return, wake up!”

The baby’s eyes shot open at the height comment. Ashley’s features turned from grumbly and groggy to quite annoyed. “Tummy ache,” he shot back.

-

It wasn’t a lie.

His stomach was a little unsettled from over eating. He ate what was shovelled into his mouth. He didn’t make a stink over not liking the flavor of yogurt (it was Jake’s natural yogurt he brought over for lunch). Ashley was hungry and was not able to complain when Andy was continuously shoving a spoon his in mouth.

“Trust me, if I could come back a couple inches taller I would,” Ashley laughed. He didn’t mind his height and he knew Andy liked resting his chin on the top of his head. It used to make him mad when Andy poked fun at his height then called him the girl of the relationship. As they dated that teasing stopped, Ashley was then considered the perfect size. Ashley could always find a way to tuck himself against Andy. He was once resentful when he had to stand on his tiptoes while trying to kiss to loving that about their relationship.

Just thinking about their height difference made Ashley aware they had not been affectionate to one another today. They had a goodbye hug but not their usually loving kiss here and there. That was a staple of his day.

They would have to fix that.

-

“Like throw up achy?” Andy asked cautiously as he unbuckled Ashley from the car seat. He warned the dogs to stay as he propped the baby on his hip.

Ashley became more alert as damp air filled his lungs. “Full,” the baby mumbled.

“Tell me if that changes,” Andy said. He locked the car and walked quickly through the parking lot. The wind whipped the rain at him, he didn’t want Ashley getting wet. He tried suggesting a cart ride only for the baby to shut him down. It was all rather inconvenient, the minute Ashley started to protest over being put in the cart, Andy gave up. He didn’t want to point out the mood swings occurring today. His one arm was full of a squirmy baby and the other arm a basket. Ashley kept wiggling about which caused Andy’s arm to get sore. “You are restless today. Do you have ants in your pants?” Andy asked.

Andy didn’t fault Ashley for being restless. Lots of things changed since their first day. Ashley had growing strength physically, he continued to amaze everyone with his words, and he let out some of his bottled-up emotions. Andy was hopeful that the trails they faced today meant they were are the right path. Every night he went to sleep hoping the next day would be the day.

“Home,” Ashley squeaked. He stopped wiggling to snuggle into Andy’s chest.

-

Home was always the place Ashley wanted to be at the end of the day. Even when he was touring he longed for his bed, his pets, and privacy. He had two places he called home though. Usually he was missing his home he shared with Andy then there were occasions that he longed to be in Missouri. He could usually fix that by calling his family.

He wanted to go home because it had been a long day.

“Movies and popcorn,” Ashley said. He made sure that was said by his baby form too. He wanted to put his pajamas on and do what they usually did on a quiet Friday night.

-

It was the perfect request.

At home, Andy excitedly worked on Ashley’s glasses. The baby sat in his bumbo chair and played with the Play Doh Jinxx had brought over. They listened to Kiss as they both worked on their own projects. Ashley impatiently asked for updates. Andy was out of his visual and that bugged him. The Play Doh on the small table top was at least something he could somewhat see.

“I’ll start singing Patience,” Andy warned. He figured Ashley would enjoy that since he was a Guns N Roses fan. Shortening the legs on the glasses was the hardest part as well as making sure the fine screws wouldn’t keep falling out. He was sanding down the sharp edges on the legs. Then he needed to superglue the screws and install the glasses strap.

Ashley’s Play Doh snowman only survived a moment before he smashed his hand down upon it. He laughed manically and dismembered the remaining bits. He then started a new project which looked a lot like a snowman.

“Is that your way of saying I better hurry up?” Andy asked suspiciously. He would check every few minutes only to see another snowman meet its maker.

“No, ThunderCats,” Ashley said joyously.

Andy’s snickered. He didn’t know a lot about ThunderCats. He tended to zone out when Ashley started talking his ear off about the show. They watched a few episodes; his interest was still Batman. He let Ashley continue his imaginary game. Andy would pay to hear the storyline that was playing through his boyfriend’s head. Occasionally, when they wrestled or goofed around, he would get to hear Ashley’s playful ramblings. He’d quote something that went over Andy’s head as they played and in return he’d pretend to be Batman while Ashley was one of the villains.

More snowmen met their match against Lion-O or maybe he was the villain and was pretending to be Mumm-Ra. Andy didn’t know, he knew it made his baby fever worse. “Do you ever want to have kids?” Andy asked absentmindedly as he finished the glasses.

-

Ashley froze.

His baby form dropped the mushed-up figure as he processed what Andy asked him.

“Shit,” he hissed under his breath.

Ashley liked children. He enjoyed going back home to hang out with his cousins. He always had something fun planned when he was with the youngest of his family. He liked to chase his younger cousins around and torment them in the same way his older cousins tormented him when he was young. One of his friends had a daughter, he loved when she showed him all her favorite toys, and the couch would soon be covered in toys because she was excited to share. Andy didn’t have many younger children in his family which made their family get togethers more settled on playing games and adult socializing.

“I mean yeah? Of course, I’ve thought about it,” Ashley admitted. He rubbed the back of his neck and tried to ease his nerves. Why did Andy have to ask him that right now?

Andy was back peddling now. He defensively said he was making conversation.

Ashley hated that he couldn’t see him. If he could it would be easier to have this talk.

-

“Forget that I even asked. I was thinking aloud,” Andy said. He adjusted the strap on the legs of the glasses and admired his work. Ashley’s sudden silence was scaring him. He didn’t intend to bring the topic up, it slipped from his mouth, and now there was a cloud of tension around them.

Ashley fidgeted in his seat. He was done with his Play Doh as he waited for his glasses.

Andy leaned forward to pull the bumbo seat closer to him. He was gentle as he placed the glasses on Ashley’s face and adjusted the strap snugly to his head. His heart melted when he was met with that happy smile from his boyfriend. “How’s that?” he asked.

“Good,” Ashley said. He clapped his hands together over the ability to see.

-

He could see that Andy was visibly brooding.

“This isn’t a forget it question. I do want to have kids in the future when you’re older. We need to explore the world, get married, and do everything that we dream of doing first. The moment we decide to have kids, they are the priority. We have time to plan our futures around it,” Ashley said.

He knew Andy needed closure. He would continue to chastise himself for asking an innocent question.

-

“Andy?” Ashley said. He put his arms up and did his usually grabbing motion.

He gave in even though his boyfriend had red Play Doh caked under his nails. Andy was embarrassed and ashamed of himself for asking stupid questions. Even Ashley’s happiness didn’t resolve his annoyance with himself. The baby hugged him and gathered handfuls of hair into his tiny fingers. A series of slobbery kisses were stamped onto his cheeks accompanied by incoherent babbling. “You’re getting Doh in my hair, panda,” Andy said. He didn’t want affection while he sat in his pity pit.

“I would,” Ashley said firmly between slobbery kisses.

Andy gave him a kiss to stop the slobbery assault. The baby continued to hug and kiss him. “You would what? Get Play Doh everywhere?” Andy teased.

“No! Kids!”

The cloud of tension lifted, Andy breathed out a sigh of relief. He sat Ashley down in his lap, while he started to pick the Doh out from under his boyfriend’s fingernails. He would then clean up the bumbo chair and kitchen table. “I only asked because I’ve got a case of baby fever. It’s purely your fault for being cute,” Andy said.

Ashley giggled and played keep away with his hands.

“Here clean up your mess,” Andy said becoming frustrated with Ashley’s game. He sat the baby back on the table and picked up the yellow container. He held it securely as Ashley dropped the Doh back into the container. Andy would scrub their hands clean after. He noted that the black nail polish on Ashley’s nails was chipped off and he wanted to paint his nails.

“Done! Hands now!” Ashley screeched once he was done cleaning up. He wanted his hands cleaned right that moment.

Andy’s baby fever dulled down as he cleaned his bossy boyfriend’s hands.

-

Ashley walked around the couch a few times to wake his legs up.

The spot light shone down on him in a blinding manner and he missed his temporary visual impairment.

“Am I going to be a baby for much longer?” he daringly asked.

There was no change in the light.

He felt off since his nap. His eye sight was the main thing though his body had minor aches. He wondered if they were growing pains. Jinxx and Jake had run him around quite a bit which could also be a factor.

Ashley sighed and asked his next question, “Are we at least on the right track?”

The light pulsated.

-

Hand washing was another splashing moment for Ashley.

“Just because you can now see how to make a mess doesn’t mean you should make one,” Andy said as he propped Ashley on his hip. He wasn’t going to let the baby near the bathroom sink again. “Honestly, you’ve become rather troublesome over the days,” he laughed.

Ashley was grinning like a Cheshire cat over the comment. “No, Ashley good! Andy like,” he retorted.

Andy hated how right his boyfriend was. All Ashley’s naughty moments were part of him ‘growing up’ which was somewhat fun. He knew his boyfriend was twisting his admission of baby fever and using it to his advantage. “I do like you. I like you so much I made you something,” Andy said raising an eyebrow.

Tattooed hands clapped together in excitement.

“Now you can see it,” Andy said. He jokingly pulled at Ashley’s glasses to have his hand attacked. “Ash, gross. You slobbered on your clean hands!”

The baby babbled the word no on repeat as they walked into the bedroom.

“Yah! If you need a teething ring or want your soother, tell me,” Andy said. He stood in front of the decorated wall and pulled Ashley’s strong hand out of his mouth. He nuzzled his face into his boyfriend’s hair and breathed in the familiar shampoo. The slobbery hand gripped his finger tightly.

-

Ashley was awestruck by the sight in front of him.

He admired all the frames that adorned the once bare wall. The one that stuck out most was the one of his parents. Every photo depicted how much he was loved and who he loved.

Inside he teared up and let the tears fall. He couldn’t stop himself from smiling or worrying his bottom lip with his teeth as he studied the wall. His baby form displayed all the cheerfulness and excitement he felt while his inner form could have private appreciation. He didn’t realize how emotional he was over seeing the central photo of him and Andy sitting together. All around them were moments in their lives shared with friends, family, their pets, and this trail.

A whole frame was dedicated to the baby photos his friends and boyfriend captured without his knowledge. His art created with Andy was on the wall along with a photo of them covered in paint because he wanted to make sure they were walking art pieces. Andy did not miss a chance to prove he truly loved him, even the most important photos of their relationship were amalgamated into a special frame.

Then came the push he needed in his life…the photo of his parents.

It was there because Andy wanted him to find comfort in talking about them. It was a subtle hint that he was there to listen when Ashley was ready to share more about them.

Ashley wiped away tears and calmed himself down. “I love you so much. Words can’t even express how much all these photos and this wall means to me,” he said. He had his baby form hug Andy tight.

-

Andy stood closer to the wall to allow Ashley the best view of the photos. He continued to nuzzle and kiss his boyfriend on the head. The small being eventually turned in his arms to hug him. He took a minute to admire the wall as he held a central part of his existence in his arms. “I love you, Ash. You mean the world to me. I hope we can add more frames in the future,” he said.

“I love you too,” Ashley replied.

He couldn’t stop rambling about how important Ashley was and the impact he had on his life as they got dressed in their pajamas. The baby bounced excitedly over the affection and comments. Andy had the black nail polish off Ashley’s bedside table, he was comfortably wrapped in his Batman onesie, and Ashley was in a fleece pair of footed pajamas that made him look like a koala bear with the hood up. He propped the baby on his hip and handed over the nail polish bottle. Ashley held it and was talking a mile a minute while they made their way to the kitchen to get snacks.

“Popcorn!” Ashley squealed when he saw the bag of Popcorn Twists being dumped into a bowl.

Andy kept the bowl out of reach. “I have M&M’s too. We’ll have to make a few snack bowls,” he suggested. They went through the kitchen and added a few more treats to their movie night menu. To keep Tokyo and Killer at bay, Andy gave them each a bone. The dogs both ran back to their beds to enjoy their treat.

Ashley was determined to watch a horror movie and had The Evil Dead hugged to his chest. “Please, Wevil Dead,” he begged non-stop.

“Don’t beg you look like one of your dogs,” Andy said. He wanted to watch House of 1000 Corpses. He pondered his options but figured Ashley’s word was gold. They could watch two movies. If he left his movie until last, Ashley would most likely be asleep. “Okay, you win. I want to pick a movie too,” Andy countered. He snagged the movie off the shelf and showed it to Ashley.

“No,” Ashley whined hugging his movie tighter.

Andy tried not to laugh at the whining koala bear sitting on the couch. “We’ll watch your movie first. Have some snacks then I’ll paint your nails,” he said lovingly.

“No, Copses. Scary,” Ashley grumbled.

-

The movie didn’t scare him, he just didn’t like it. It took a lot to disgust him and he cringed continuously through House of 1000 Corpses and Devil’s Rejects. Andy however liked the dark and gory aspects. He only called it scary because he was sure Andy would try to scare him.

“Such a raunchy movie,” Ashley commented.

The spot light blinked in agreeance.

-

Buying a fleece koala bear onesie proved to be one of the best purchases Andy made. Then Ashley would hug his panda stuffie. It was the cutest thing he’d witnessed over the days. He took a photo and sent it to the guys. “CC, thinks you’re cute. Jinxx and Jake basically mashed keys together then sent us hugs and kisses. What’s the best is I get to cuddle my own teddy bear tonight,” Andy reported.

Ashley shrugged and shoved popcorn in his mouth. He was engaged in his movie while his stuffed panda sat beside him.

“My little teddy bear,” Andy taunted. He grabbed Ashley and hugged him tight.

The baby yelled and tried to get away only to be successfully held down against his boyfriend’s chest.

“You can act like you hate this all you want. I happen to know you love when I maul you,” Andy said smothering Ashley in slobbery kisses. He would sometimes lick the side of his boyfriend’s face when they became playful. Ashley would scream like he was being murdered only to start laughing until the hiccups occurred.

Ashley relaxed into the hold and allowed Andy to treat him like a stuffed animal. “Meanie,” he remarked even though he was rather content.

Andy loosened his grip a bit to allow Ashley room to escape if he wanted too. His boyfriend was being dramatic and clearly liked the attention. “Mm, can this meanie paint your nails?” he asked. It was one of their tour traditions. They didn’t always get to enjoy their Friday night tradition while touring. When they had a free night, they would get into their onesies, watch a movie, eat CC’s candy, and touch up their nails.

Ashley offered his hands to Andy.

“Gotta stop snacking for a bit,” Andy warned. He adjusted Ashley on his knees then got the bottle of nail polish. A small hand offered to hold the bottle which he gratefully accepted. It was going to be easy to paint the tiny fingernails. Ashley relaxed his hand and let Andy hold them as he worked. It didn’t take a lot to cover the baby’s nails and soon he was painting the next hand.

When it was all over, Ashley kept holding his hands up to admire his nails. “Preddy, thank you,” Ashley said.

Andy felt guilty wanting more time with Ashley being his baby. The feeling of being relied on was rewarding. He understood why Ashley always said he didn’t mind doing things for him. It was a gesture of pure love. Ashley would reach his boiling point with Andy over chores, he’d pinch the bridge of his nose and declare he was done only to turn around to do something selfless. No matter how many times he said he was tired of doing everything for them, Ashley would not give up on him. Andy relied on Ashley constantly. Having his boyfriend in this form forced him to finally grow up and accept responsibility. He had to listen and pay attention. He had to be a mind reader when Ashley couldn’t tell him something. Andy gave Ashley a squeeze as he thought about how he took for granted something as simple as holding his boyfriend or being in his presence. He didn’t want to ruin moments like this in the future with more fighting. He pressed a loving kiss to the back of Ashley’s head. There was a sting of tears in the corners of his eyes as he appreciated that his boyfriend loved him unconditionally.

“Andy, lay down?” Ashley asked. He was done with snacking and admiring his nails. He was ready to cuddle.

The request caused Andy to find a reason to stall. He didn’t want Ashley to see he was shook up. Unfortunately, he couldn’t find an excuse. He put the nail polish bottle aside and moved anything he might knock off the couch. Ashley got a hold of his panda and held it in his usual fashion. Andy wasn’t ready when he stretched out and plopped Ashley down on his stomach.

“Why sad?” Ashley questioned. His cheerful smile morphed into his concerned look. He offered his panda bear for comfort.

Andy chuckled at the kind gesture. He had his hands secured to Ashley’s hips to make sure he didn’t fall over. “I’m not sad, Ashes. Just thinking about how lucky I am to have you,” Andy replied.

Ashley hooked his panda under his arm and lay down. He nuzzled his face into Andy’s Batman onesie while he found the most comfortable position to lay in. “I the lucky one,” Ashley chirped. He made sure he could hear Andy’s heartbeat, he wanted to hear it more than the dialogue of the movie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took so long!  
> I took some time to read over all the chapters and do some editing. Also, while reading these chapters/writing, I got my train of thought focused to where I want to lead this story!  
> This chapter was a roller-coaster. A lot of it is based off the wonderful struggle I had on the train...I got a severe case of itchy dry eyes. Who says writing isn't somewhat relatable? Also, I have the cutest photo of my nephew wearing my glasses which inspired this whole thing. (Rob Zombie is my boyfriend influence who disliked the movies)  
> I hope you guys enjoy this.  
> Happy Reading xoxo


	8. Chapter 8

Ashley didn’t intend to wake up in a cranky mood.

Andy was letting him scream in the hallway because he was done with the tantrum. Everything they tried to do was met with resistance. Ashley wanted to do certain things on his own and rejected to be helped which frustrated Andy in exchange the baby got annoyed.

Tokyo and Killer were in hiding. They were both terrified of their shrunken down owner.

“Are you done?” Andy asked from the doorway of the kitchen. He had a cup of coffee in his hand as he watched Ashley kick and scream.

Ashley eventually gave up. He was sprawled out like a tiny starfish. His chest heaved as he caught his breath.

“I understand that you want to do things on your own, Ashley. I don’t want to discourage you from your goals at all. This whole tantrum is ridiculous, I don’t appreciate the attitude,” Andy said. He was ready to put Ashley in a time out. Andy wasn’t having a tantrum over his smoking withdrawal; his boyfriend didn’t need to act up.

The baby had tears pouring down his cheeks as he scowled. He crossed his arms over his chest as he lay in the hall in only his Hello Kitty onesie.

“Use your words, please. I happen to know you can swear which means you can explain to me what’s going on with you,” Andy said before taking a sip of his coffee. He was waiting for an explanation. He’d been waiting for an answer since they got up.

-

Ashley woke up from a dream he didn’t want to deal with.

He was tired from his constant rolling around because he had a restless sleep.

“Quit shoving me into that pair of tight fucking jeans!  They hurt because I’ve obviously gained weight!” he cried as he buried his face into his hands. The very idea of his adult body gaining a pound or two through this whole ordeal was causing him to melt down. He worked hard to have a body he liked.

He wanted to brush his teeth on his own until Andy tried to pull the toothbrush away. That was the start of their battle. Then came the fight over socks even when he almost had them on, Andy interfered. Breakfast was met with similar clashing opinions over a spoon.

“I just wanted to show you I could use a spoon.”

-

Ashley didn’t want to talk and he stayed laying in the hall until CC arrived.

Andy retreated to the kitchen to wait out the tantrum. He didn’t understand why Ashley was mad that he was trying to help him. He obviously needed help with some stuff. He was missing his mouth most of the time with the toothbrush or wasn’t coordinated enough to maneuver socks without assistance. He wanted Ashley to be independent but wanted him to also know when to ask for help.

CC went and laid down in the hall with Ashley. He could see the discouragement written all over his friend’s face. He let Ashley hold his finger as they talked. All the sniffling made him sympathetic to whatever was wrong. “Tell me what’s up, peanut,” CC said softly.

“I fat. Pants no fit,” Ashley grumbled.

The drummer nodded and waved the finger in his best friend’s grip. “What else is wrong?” he asked.

“Andy, ink I helpless. I hold spoon myself and eat,” the baby said with his lip quivering.

CC didn’t get Andy’s side. He walked in to find Ashley laying in the hallway in a bad mood. “I assume there is more. Tell me more, tell me more,” CC said making a Grease reference in hopes to lighten Ashley’s mood.

“I wah, I want,” Ashley could hardly finish his statement, he was back to crying.

Andy heard the crying start up again and returned to leaning in the kitchen doorway. He watched CC handle the tantrum like a professional.

“Sh, you’re okay. Maybe a little upset, I think you’ll live,” CC said.

Ashley was losing it again. He let go of his best friend’s finger to roll over and cry. He bumped the corner of his glasses on the hardwood which startled him.

CC sat up and crossed his legs. He noticed Andy standing in the kitchen doorway watching them. “I need your side because he feels like you think he’s helpless. Something about he can use a spoon by himself. Said he’s fat and his pants don’t fit,” he reported.

Andy thought he was the one who was right when Ashley was being a complete pain in morning only to realize he was part of the cause. “I tried putting him in his skinny blue jeans and he was grouchy over it. I kind of stopped him from putting his socks on by himself, took over brushing his teeth, and wouldn’t really let him have the spoon. I thought he needed help with the things he was trying to do. I didn’t intend to discourage him. That wasn’t my intention,” Andy said.

“He’s being more independent. I would’ve done the same thing you did. There is no harm done, only miscommunication. You two aren’t mad at each other just frustrated,” CC said rubbing Ashley’s back. “You two need to have patience with each other. Ash, you need to talk. Andy, you need to listen.”

Andy agreed with CC’s assessment. Before he could ask about the pants and Ashley thinking he was fat, the baby returned to his screaming tangent. The crying had Andy running to him to pick him up. He started to pace the hall while Ashley had another tantrum. “I’m sorry. I told you that I wanted you to be able reach your goals. I did a bad job of letting you try things by yourself, eh? I’m sorry I told you that your tantrum was ridiculous. You had every right to be annoyed with me,” Andy said pressing a kiss to Ashley’s forehead.

“I wan mommy! I wan nana!” Ashley bawled.

CC was up on his feet in a second. He followed Andy while he paced. He didn’t know what to do aside from text Jinxx and Jake. He worried this day was coming. Eventually, Ashley would break down and let his pent-up feelings out.  

“I WANT MY NANA!”

Andy didn’t know how they’d explain the karma situation to Ashley’s grandma. He couldn’t imagine explaining it to his own mom, who was the most understanding person in the entire world. He continued to gently bounce the baby on his hip as they walked. “Is this why you woke up in a bad mood? You miss your mom?” Andy asked.

“That would explain a lot,” CC said as he tried to use the stuffed panda he found abandoned on the floor to comfort Ashley.

“I mi-miss mommy,” Ashley wailed.

-

He hated that this was what the curse wanted.

Ashley needed to shed tears for the person he couldn’t have. The light was beyond bright as he screamed and cried as loud as he humanly could. His chest was aching from the velocity of his cries. No amount of begging or pleading would bring her back. What little memories he clung to played through his dreams and made sure he woke up feeling sad.

“I never got to say goodbye,” Ashley cried into the couch. He was laying face down to avoid looking at Andy and CC who were truly heartbroken as they stared back at him. They were trying everything to make him stop crying.

He knew the moment he talked about his family they would become a test because that was the one thing he wouldn’t let anyone help him with. As a couple they were almost fighting because each of them had stubborn pride. He needed to accept that Andy would be there for him as he went through the only trial that kept a secret between them.

Ashley could hardly breath as he kept his face buried in the couch. “I miss her so much,” he wailed.

-

At that point, Andy and CC were both grasping at straws.

“Do you want your panda?” CC offered. The baby screamed loudly and knocked it out his friend’s hand.

Andy did the only thing he could think of and that was to hold Ashley’s head down to his chest. His hand cradled the baby’s head gently as he held him in place. Andy took long calm breaths to relax not only himself but Ashley.

The screaming subsided only to be replaced with hiccups and sniffles. Ashley’s limbs went limp in Andy’s hold as he listened to his boyfriend’s heartbeat.

“Do you want to look at photos?” Andy asked. He couldn’t imagine what his boyfriend was going through. He himself was heartbroken over hearing Ashley beg for two people he couldn’t have.

CC held out the panda he rescued for a third time. He didn’t ask questions only waited patiently.

Ashley took the toy and hugged it around the neck.

“Can CC make you food? You missed breakfast. I bet you’re hungry,” Andy said softly. He started to bounce his knees a bit as he waited for an answer. He sensed the outbursts were over for the day and all that remained was damage control. “Let’s go sit outside,” Andy said. Fresh air always made him feel better.

CC went to the kitchen to make food while Andy and Ashley went to sit on the balcony together. The sun was out, and the air was crisp with the smell of fall. Ashley shivered which prompted Andy to open his hoodie and wrapped it around them. “You look like a caterpillar making a cocoon.” Andy said trying to lighten the mood.

“Sorry,” Ashley said in a sad tone. He noticed the hoodie was one Andy stole from him and never gave back. It was cozy wrapped around them while the fall air nipped at any exposed flesh.

Andy kissed him on the forehead. “You don’t owe anyone an apology. Ash, I don’t expect you to always be stoic when it comes to your parents. You can miss them, there is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with you trying to be independent either. I’m truly sorry that I didn’t respect what you were trying to do. Can you tell me what I can do to help you feel better?” Andy said softly.

Ashley thought long and hard. He had his ear plastered to Andy’s chest still as he thought about what could be done. Inside he felt like he was broken into a million pieces and alone. “I scared alone,” Ashley squeaked.

“Ashley, you are never alone. There’s no reason to be scared, okay? I’ll always be here,” Andy said. They stayed snuggled together until the hiccups receded. When Ashley shivered, they went inside to await lunch. Andy got the photo album out even though his boyfriend never agreed to look at photos. Ashley sat on his knee and slowly flipped through the album without saying anything. He was more relaxed as he looked at all the photos with Andy.

-

Somehow, it made Ashley feel more grounded. Andy’s previous struggle with patience was now replaced with an endless supply. They were plunged in silence as they looked at the album and Andy kept kissing the back of his head.

Ashley’s inner pain and tears were drying up. It seemed the spot light wanted him to go through this as the whole space he was imprisoned in was now illuminated. He shed the tears that were required as he begged for the things he couldn’t have. He hated that he could feel a weight lifting off his shoulder, a weight he wasn’t even aware was holding him down that much.

“Thank you,” Ashley said into the open space.

He had no reason to fear his prized memories fading away because he talked about his family. Andy’s words were clear that he would never be alone, he’d always be there for him. He could relax a bit knowing the worst of the trails were over even if he was having a minor melt down over the pants situation.

“I’m scared of so many things,” Ashley mused. It almost seemed funny that he feared the dark because his cousin told him that monsters came out at night to eat children that were awake. He had issues with being alone because he feared losing more people he loved. He was slightly scared of birds because one of his grandma’s Silkie chickens chased him after he attempted to pet it. The very memory of being chased by that chicken caused him to laugh.

-

When a small laugh cut through the silence, Andy relaxed. “What’s so funny?” he inquired.

Ashley flipped back through the album knowing there was a picture of his grandparents with the chickens. When he found it, he pointed out the one black Silkie chicken. “I scared of it. Chasted me,” he laughed.

“How old were you?” Andy asked curiously.

The baby tilted his head back to admire his boyfriend before he answered, “Four. No pet chickens.”

Andy never heard that story. Whenever they went to Missouri, Ashley was keen to help his grandparents around the farm. He rode horses, he built fences, he dealt with the animals, and chores. The whole time he would be beaming as he followed his grandparents around chatting about what was new in his life and theirs. “I’d protect you from a chicken,” Andy said.

“You save me rom spiders,” Ashley said. He slowly flipped a few pages then closed the album, pushing it aside. “I scared of dark some imes. Cousin said monsters eat me.”

“I remember you being anxious when we had that major power outage during the hurricane. You don’t need to worry about the dark, I’m either beside you or a call away. There are no monsters to worry about, the only monster is me when I’m pretending to be a T-Rex!” Andy said. He tickled Ashley’s sides, eliciting a loud shriek. 

The baby wiggled left and right trying to avoid the tickle attack.

“About the pants. Is it just those jeans that were tight?” Andy asked snuggling Ashley. He understood it was sensitive. Ashley would be panicking over gaining weight, anytime he declared himself fat it was always an arduous task of explaining it didn’t show. It was usually after tour that Ashley started his anxious pacing that he gained a misally few pounds he easily shed with exercise.

Ashley’s hand absentmindedly played with Andy’s fingers as he thought about the other thing bothering him. “Both,” he replied. Both pairs were becoming increasingly uncomfortable though his whole body was aching.

“I’ll text Jinxx and see if he can get you a size up in jeans. You were wearing a 6-12-month size, Ash. They were a bit tight to begin with. Don’t get into that head space, please. You are gorgeous and a pound or two doesn’t change that,” Andy said.

-

Ashley stopped worrying.

Andy’s words were sincere. He could trust that his boyfriend wouldn’t lie about something like weight. It only bothered Ashley because he liked certain things to be perfect. Andy would run his hand over his stomach and ask him to point out exactly where this fat was. He’d humor the distress then offer to help Ashley lose the pounds he gained. It was such a minor concern and unnoticeable, he only noticed because he stepped on the scale.

“You never chastise me for this worry. You always stand by me when I get my mind set on a few pounds. I don’t exactly want to admit that I’m sneaking CC’s candy,” Ashley mused.

It was hard not to grab a bag of Twizzlers or Junior Mints from the candy drawer then hide them in his bunk. His secret sweet tooth seemed to occur during tour because of CC’s damn candy reserve.

-

“Lunch is ready,” CC called from the kitchen.

Ashley was in a state of awe when he saw what CC made. On a plate was two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches cut in the shape of stars surrounded by cheese stars, balled watermelon, and cherry tomatoes.

“CC, that’s impressive,” Andy commented as he admired the meal the drummer prepared for Ashley. Their meal was the same only lacking the cool star shapes.

The baby picked up a piece of star shaped cheese first.

“Only the best for the peanut,” CC said. He baby talked Ashley who was enthralled by the cheese.

Both Andy and CC were caught up in the inquisitive nature Ashley had over the food. He was seated in his bumbo chair distracting them from their own meals. Each star shaped piece of food entertained Ashley throughout lunch. Each word and babble were a compliment to CC’s food masterpiece. Andy got up at one point to get the baby a sippy cup full of juice.

“So, Plan A or Plan B? I vote A,” CC said during clean up.

Andy stood next to him with Ashley propped on his hip as they discussed in code their plans for the day. The baby held out the sippy cup to hint for more grape juice. “Want more? Yah, Plan A would be my choice too. Ashley, stop pulling my hair I’ll get you more juice,” he said in a frustrated tone.

They needed to wait for Jinxx to stop by then they would get ready for their short road trip. CC was soon responsible for packing road snacks as Ashley rejected to be put down and wanted Andy to hold him. It was like he was going through separation anxiety again. Even the slightest attempt to put Ashley down resulted in protest and clinginess.

“Common, I need to pee,” Andy complained bitterly when Ashley rejected to let him go.

CC managed to pry the baby off his friend’s body with some struggle. He propped Ashley on his hip only to realize he was subjected to being clung to. His tiny fingers were full of CC’s hair as he grinned evilly. “I love you but sometimes you’re a real turd,” CC said.

Ashley lightly pulled at CC’s hair.

“Are you playing hide and seek in uncle CC’s hair?” Andy asked upon his return.

The baby pulled the drummer’s long black hair in front of his face to hide. His giggles caused CC to roll his eyes. “Where me?” he asked innocently.

“Oh, I don’t know. I can hear Ashes, I don’t see him,” Andy played along.

CC groaned. “He’s pulling my hair!” he whined loudly.

Andy had no sympathy as he was a regular victim of baby Ashley pulling his hair. It seemed those tiny hands were magnetized to grab fistfuls of hair. Those hands were causing mattes to form in the lower sections of Andy’s hair. Adult Ashley loved his hair pulled. The only hair pulling that was okay with Andy was his boyfriend’s attempts to untangle the mattes.

“Stop pulling my hair,” CC warned.

Ashley released the hair only to scowl. “No, fun,” he declared.

“Come here, you can play hide and seek in my hair,” Andy offered. He didn’t want to have his hair pulled though he would tolerate it. With a little negotiation, he managed to convince Ashley that they should color which served as a distraction until Jinxx arrived.

Baby Ashley was busy drawing a rainbow when Jinxx showed up. He stayed seated to finish his picture as CC let him in. Andy was impressed with his boyfriend’s dexterity. Jinxx walked into the living room bundled up like he was freezing. He admired the drawing and asked if Ashley wanted to try on some clothes. A happy squeal and firm yes had the baby walking off with Jinxx to get ready for the day.

Andy decided it was time to take the dogs out for a bathroom break and CC joined him. That gave them privacy to discuss their trip to Long Beach.

“Jake and I might have spoiled you because we can’t hang out with you guys today. Don’t tell the others but we’re going to adopt a dog,” Jinxx said sitting down on the bedroom floor. He dug through the bag and held up a pair of black skinny jeans. “I got you a few pieces of clothing. You can pick which ones you want to wear.”

They went through the bag and Ashley was keen to pick out the tiny black t-shirt that had neon teddy bears in Kiss make up. His other shirt option had a bat with devil horns with the words ‘cute as hell’ printed on it. Jinxx helped him get dressed. He was good at letting Ashley try to pull the shirt over his head and made it a game.

“Don’t grow up so fast,” Jinxx laughed as he held the small hoodie and Ashley got his arms in the sleeves even if he couldn’t figure out the zipper. He enjoyed watched his friend pick out the pair of red Converse high tops he loved to wear. Ashley sat down in front of Jinxx and showed him how he could put his shoes on by himself.

-

Ashley liked that Jinxx allowed him to be independent.

Jinxx was obviously every excited about going to get a dog and continued to talk about it. He apologized about not hanging out with them but reassured Ashley it was going to be a fun day with Andy and CC.

“I hope you’re bringing the dog over for a visit,” Ashley said. The new clothes fit him and he felt better. He also liked what Jinxx picked out. The shirts were cute, it was nice to wear something other than onesies.

He was laying across the couch trying to decide if he should try tying his shoes by himself. His infant fingers were having issues coordinating such a task. It was time to ask for help.

-

“Help?” Ashley asked sweetly.

Jinxx’s blue eyes lit up, he kindly went through the poem about the bunny. “Over, under, around and through. Meet Mr. Bunny Rabbit, pull and through,” he chanted while he tied both shoes.

Ashley clapped his hand excitedly once his shoes were tied.

“I got you something for today. I know you’re probably to old for two of the items. I think you’ll appreciate them,” Jinxx said. He reached into the bag, pulling out a stuffed gray bat rattle with constellations printed on it’s inside wings. He handed it to Ashley who inspected the toy and shook it. Jinxx handed over the other item which was the same bat only it was meant to hang on his car seat. The last item was a small binky blanket of the same bat. “I know it’s a lot of bats. It was cute,” Jinxx laughed. He enjoyed Ashley’s excitement over the gifts. Seeing his friend snuggle the bat blanket had him pulling his phone out to take a photo.

Ashley got up and hugged Jinxx. “Thank you,” he said.

Jinxx smiled and asked if they should go show off his new clothes. He was thrilled to walk out of the bedroom with Ashley holding his finger and hugging his bat blankie. They slowly made their way down the hall on their mission to find Andy cleaning up crayons and drawings.

The baby let go of Jinxx’s hand and run over to Andy to start his clinging again. Ashley shoved the bat blankie in his face to show him.

“That’s cute! Can I see him? What do you want to name your new friend?” Andy asked leaving some of the crayons abandoned on the floor as he admired the bat blanket his boyfriend handed him.

Ashley pulled it back then hugged it. “Bat,” he said smiling.

“Bat? What about Batty?” Andy countered. He figured his boyfriend was lacking creativity over naming the toy. Ashley named his panda bear, Anda because he couldn’t say panda days before. Now the bear was referred to as Anda Panda.

The baby beamed. “Starry Bat,” he said pointing out the constellations on the bats wings.

Andy picked up the remaining crayons as his boyfriend pointed out all the constellations he recognized.

“Come say goodbye to me, munchkin,” Jinxx said to Ashley. He squatted down and opened his arms. The baby smiled as he hopped his way over to Jinxx. They had a good hug which left Ashley being clingy.

“Let go,” Andy warned as he pulled Ashley back. He held his boyfriend in his arms as Jinxx made his escape from Ashley and the apartment.

Ashley wiggled until he managed to suction himself against Andy again.

Andy felt claustrophobic from his boyfriend’s clinging. He understood it had to do with Ashley missing him mom and the fear of being alone. He didn’t want to seem frustrated as he tidied up the living room a bit. He was getting good at working with Ashley hugging his arms around his neck. It wasn’t until he needed to stand up it became a problem. “Baby Bat and Starry Bat, I need to get ready for our afternoon out. Please let go,” Andy said in a lovingly stern voice. He was surprised how well it worked when Ashley let go of him.

The baby might have let go of his clingy hold, that didn’t stop him from following Andy around the apartment. If he couldn’t be held he would follow his boyfriend. By habit Tokyo and Killer joined the follow the leader line.

“My god!” Andy groaned when all three of his usually ‘Purdy family’ members stood in the bedroom doorway watching him change.

-

“Should have held me,” Ashley teased.

He was aware he was being clingy. It seemed to occur after his tantrum over his mom and talking about things that scared him. During that whole tantrum, Andy made sure he was safe and loved. That seemed to bring out Ashley’s overly affectionate side.

“You seem to like when I’m clingy on tour,” Ashley said.

-

Andy tied his hair back into a ponytail. He watched Ashley and the dogs as he moved around the bedroom getting changed. He was peeling his jeans off to wear a pair of blue jeans.

“Bum!”

He ignored Ashley’s comment. Andy could imagine his boyfriend pointing at him as he made the statement.

“I see bum,” the baby continued.

It didn’t matter how cute Ashley was, he was being annoying. Andy turned around to see his boyfriend smiling innocently. He was continuously cute and endearing which annoyed Andy further. “Don’t you need a nap or something?” he asked curiously.

“Nope, wake!”

CC was in the hall with Andy’s backpack. He called Ashley over to him only to find he was not listening. Obviously, his friend grew out of being a baby and into an unruly toddler over night. He knew how to appeal to Ashley’s independent nature and asked him something rather serious. That seemed to give Andy a minute to himself to get dressed. CC’s offer was one that Ashley couldn’t resist. “Do you want to use the potty?” the drummer asked.

Andy wanted to yell at CC for putting the idea in Ashley’s head until he got to change without an audience. Then his boyfriend was excited to declare he could use the potty. Andy huffed out an annoyed breath but let Ashely drag him into the bathroom. They stared each other down for a moment. “Ash, this isn’t something I’m ready for,” Andy said sheepishly. He didn’t know how they were going to handle potty training. It never crossed his mind that this could end up part of their bonding experience.

“Okay,” Ashley said. He looked defeated as he accepted Andy’s feelings.

It made him feel bad instantly. Ashley was more independent and all he needed to do was support him. Andy thought about it for a moment. It couldn’t be that hard. He just had to make sure his boyfriend didn’t fall in the toilet. He pulled Ashley into a hug before making his final decision. “We’ll try and if it goes wrong we will never speak of this moment again,” Andy said.

They didn’t want to speak of the moment once they left the bathroom.

Ashley’s proud smile said enough.

CC gave Andy a questioning look only to get punched in the arm.

“He’s still wearing diapers,” Andy warned. It might have been successful, that didn’t mean they were tossing out the diapers because of one achievement. He was guilty of boosting Ashley’s ego by praising him about how grown up he was. “Either way I’m proud of you,” Andy added to his original warning.

The drummer teased Andy about being soft and got punched again. CC started his subtle nagging that they needed to leave it was almost 1:00 pm and they had a half an hour drive. It had Andy and Ashley snapping at him that he was bossy because he wanted to get going.

They took Andy’s car since the car seat was hard to remove. CC was driving and enjoying his alone time up front while Andy sat in the back with Ashley. The bat Jinxx gave him was attached to the car seat to provide some entertainment. Ashley was holding Andy’s hand and falling asleep as they drove out to Long Beach.

“Told you that you needed a nap,” Andy said affectionately.

The drive was nice even if the clouds were turning gray and hiding the sun. It gave each of them time to think about the trip they were taking. CC was looking forward to this trip, it meant they could spend quality time with Ashley while furthering his vocabulary. Andy saw it more as an excuse to leave the apartment and expand their movement. No one knew how long Ashley would be little, it seemed everyone wanted to spend as much time building memories before he returned.

In text, Jinxx hinted that Ashley’s return could be an easy transition or extremely difficult. There was no tangible way to know how he would feel and act once he was reinstated.

Andy watched Ashley sleep like he did many times in his life. He longed for his boyfriend to have peaceful dreams. He wanted nothing but happiness and calm to fill Ashley’s world. Andy hoped as his boyfriend slept, he was at ease, and nothing stressful was tormenting him in the one place he couldn’t be. “My daydream believer,” Andy mused as he hummed the familiar Monkee’s song.

“I’m going to have that song in my head now,” CC complained as he hummed along.

When they arrived in Long Beach the gray clouds passed, the sun was shining, and they were finally free of traffic. The Aquarium of the Pacific was busy but not busy enough to scared CC and Andy off. They made sure they were parked and had everything they needed before waking Ashley up.

“Don’t tell Ashley that he’s paying for this trip,” Andy said as he untangled the baby from the car seat.

CC smiled deviously while he got out of the car and slung Andy’s ratty backpack over his shoulder.

Andy got the final strap unhooked and lifted Ashley out. He sat for a moment with his boyfriend, he rubbed the baby’s back, and asked him to wake up. “We’re here little one,” Andy said softly.

Ashley peeled his tired eyes open. He blinked a few times until his eyes were focused. “Where?” he asked.

“Well, lets go see,” Andy said. They joined CC in the parking lot, he propped Ashley onto his hip, and handed over Starry Bat. “Do you want me or CC to carry you?” he asked as they all walked through the parking lot like they were a family.

Ashley was still unaware of where they were and was quite content to remain with Andy.

“I believe he’s staying with you,” CC said.

As they stepped inside the aquarium, Ashley’s features lit up.

-

“My fucking god! Yes! I’ve always wanted to come here,” Ashley yelled. He bounced on the couch excitedly.

The Aquarium of the Pacific was on their ‘Future Dates’ list. Ashley created the list when they first started dating. Along the way they added places they would like to go. While touring if they couldn’t stop, they’d add the small town or place to their list for future road trips out to Missouri or Ohio.

They checked off all the places and things they wanted to do. Some things had been on their list since the very beginning while others got checked off right away. The list was on the fridge, a constant reminder that they had things to do together as a couple. Ashley would collect photos from each date that would eventually be put in his album.

Ashley couldn’t stop bouncing up and down. He was excited in the same way he got excited for the first day of Warped Tour or Christmas. “I can’t wait to see clownfish and otters,” he said.

-

“Fishies,” Ashley said.

CC beamed over his friend’s excitement. “We’re going to see so many fishies, peanut,” he said

“I promise we’ll come back when you’re bigger,” Andy added. He didn’t want to completely check the aquarium off the list until Ashley was adult. Andy knew the importance of their list and the photos they took.

As they paid, the girl working at the main counter kept awing over Ashley. She told CC how much the baby looked like him and how lucky they were to have such a sweet toddler. She continued to baby talk Ashley telling him to enjoy the fish. All the sweet talking had the baby babbling gibberish.

“Wave goodbye. Thank you, we’ll have a fun time,” Andy said politely to the girl.

Ashley waved goodbye. They headed off the admire all the wonders the aquarium had. It was busy which was a good thing. They could hide amongst the crowds as they explored. CC was the first to notice that people seemed to ignore them.

“I think people are unaware of you and Ashley,” he said to his friend.

-

Ashley looked to the spot light.

“Is that true? We’ve been safe from others judging and seeing us?” he asked.

The light blinked in response.

Ashley didn’t realize that he was gripping the couch arm tightly until he relaxed from the response. He was thankful that their identities had been masked through this experience. He didn’t know how he or Andy would have handled the public knowing that they were in this situation.

Curiosity got the best of Ashley suddenly, “Hey, can the public see my tattoos?”

The spot light didn’t answer him.

“In the photos my tattoos exist,” he mused. The very idea that the public eyes saw him as an innocent infant put him more at ease. They were safe.

-

Andy was bubbling with happiness as he held Ashley. If it was like one of their usual dates, they would cautiously hold hands or touch each other. It depended where they were. They were faced with judgement and other times people accepted that they were a couple. Andy was quick to call out people staring or commenting. They were confident as a couple though that didn’t stop them from being careful. Ashley adored privacy and Andy liked to tease people with information. When it came to his relationship or Ashley it bothered interviewers that they couldn’t get a definitive answer.

On their dates they loved to explore. Ashley always knew the perfect place if they wanted to retreat from the public eye and home. Sometimes they couldn’t hold hands or sneak a kiss for hours, which was hard for Andy. He found it hard when he couldn’t show his boyfriend affection. There were times in interviews that Andy wanted to out them as a couple and hold Ashley’s hand.

When Andy planned dates, he liked taking Ashley out for food or shows. They went to concerts and sporting events a lot. Their dates were always fun and usually stopped them from fighting. Ashley and Andy both enjoyed learning things, they liked making things together too. Some dates they stayed in to have a movie night or making a meal together (thought Ashley did most of the work).

“Look, Ash,” Andy said cheerfully as he pointed out a giant octopus. They started in the Northern Pacific Gallery.

Ashley was rather excited over the colorful octopus that crawled his way cautiously through the tank. “Ocopus,” he said.

CC was busy snapping photos of Ashley and Andy. He adored how precious Ashley looked. His features were lit up with wonderment. CC knew Ashley would have that look as an adult because when he saw beautiful things, he was always in awe. “Do you want to see the otters? I know where they are,” CC asked.

There was no rushing Ashley when he wanted to admire something. Andy got stuck in art galleries or museums as his boyfriend appreciated what he saw. He didn’t want to rush Ashley as he admired the fish and ocean animals. The fact that Andy could hold his boyfriend without anyone pestering them in public was special. They walked along, looking at all the aquarium had to offer in that gallery. The whole time Andy pressed tender kisses to Ashley’s cheek.

-

Ashley couldn’t keep his excitement contained when they finally got the otters.

“I absolutely love them,” he gushed.

His baby form was talking a mile a minute, he hugged his Starry Bat, and bounced in Andy’s arms. He didn’t miss all the times CC held his phone up to take pictures or Andy kissing him. He knew he was loved, all his fears of being alone were fleeting thoughts.

He wished Jinxx and Jake could have been there with them. He would have liked more time with them. His world revolved around Andy and CC more as his boyfriend and best friend. Jinxx was someone he trusted like a family member or his closest childhood friend while Jake was awkwardly hoping that he’d get talked at. Ashley knew his bond with Jake had grown, they were no longer two people goofing off, they could now hug each other and enjoy it.

“Otters form lifelong bonds,” Ashley said. Some part of him knew that Andy would always be his soulmate.

Other people flirted with him, he didn’t notice them the way he noticed his boyfriend. He feared that Andy would eventually meet someone. He hated when Ronnie Radke started hanging out with his boyfriend during Warped Tour. Ashley said nothing about it and bit his tongue, he told himself he wasn’t jealous or insecure. It bugged him but not enough to doubt their relationship’s strength.

Ashley’s baby form hugged Andy tight. “You’re my otter,” he said affectionately.

-

“I’m your what?” Andy asked curiously as they finished looking at the otters. They were headed to Shark Lagoon next. If they didn’t go soon, CC was about to throw his own version of an Ashley temper tantrum.

Ashley continued his attempts to maul Andy in a bear hug. He was just a bit to small to accomplish what he could as an adult. That didn’t discourage him though. “You my otter,” he repeated.

“Otters stay with one mate, right?” Andy asked curiously. Ashley was a wealth of knowledge and random facts.

The baby nodded and continued to cuddle.

After they finished their adventure through the North Pacific Gallery, CC was hurrying them to Shark Lagoon. Andy could tell Ashley was excited about sharks too. He kicked his tiny legs as if he was trying to swim. CC ended up linking arms with Andy to make sure they could make it through the crowds to the sharks.

“CC,” Ashley squeaked as he made a grabbing motion for his best friend.

Andy waited until they were in the exhibit before he surrendered his boyfriend over to CC. He followed the two friends as they stopped to look at the zebra sharks. CC held Ashley up to allow him to see the sharks. Andy snapped a few photos then longed for something that was missing, photos of them all together. He joined them and attempted to get a photo of them as a group only to be disappointed that it was cutting CC out or it was blurry.

“Would you like me to take your photo?” a nice older woman asked.

Andy handed his phone over and they posed. Ashley decided after the photo he wanted to be back in his boyfriend’s arms and squawked about it. The old lady took another photo then suggested they each kiss Ashley’s cheeks. She seemed invested in their ‘family’ photos. She fussed over how sweet Ashley was then returned the phone.

“Lookie,” Ashley said. He was trying to grab Andy’s phone with not much success.  

“Be patient,” CC warned.

Andy showed them the photos. They really did look like a family and a good one at that. He wanted to get more photos of Ashley while they traveled through the aquarium. “Do you and CC want to go to the touch pool? You can pet a shark,” Andy said.

There was a lot to see and touch. Andy and CC both took the time to each help Ashley explore everything. They captured videos and pictures while they played. When they finally found the clown fish Ashley was overjoyed. Andy enjoyed the penguins, and CC seemed to enjoy the birds. They lost track of time and were disappointed when the closing announcement was made.

Andy had a stuffed otter holding a purple starfish tucked under his arm as they walked back to the car. Ashley was obsessed with his bat and didn’t want to let it go. He sweet talked CC into giving him his soother, he was busily sucking on his soother, and hugging his bat. Ashley was in snuggle mode and was difficult when he had go back into his car seat. He was enjoying his clingy phase.

“Should we stop for some food before we head back?” CC asked. He was hungry, the whole time they roamed around the aquarium he kept seeing different food venders.

Ashley shrugged. He didn’t care if they stopped for food. He had his soother and Starry Bat, he was ready to head home. Andy tucked his otter in next to him and continued to make a loving fuss over him.

“Do you want fries?” Andy asked.

Again, Ashley ignored the question.

-

Ashley had to get up and walk around his prison. The aches in his body were catching up to him. His baby form flexed his legs and arms. He would stretch as much as he could to prevent more cramping in his tiny limbs.

He accepted fries when Andy handed them to him though his teeth ached too. He didn’t appreciate his boyfriend taking his soother.

He stopped questioning the light. He sensed they were nearing the end of this trail. The aches weren’t the only thing weighing on his mind, he was starting to get anxious. His overactive brain kept putting doubts in the way of his rational thinking.

“I want you to hold me and make me less scared of my own thoughts,” Ashley whined petulantly.

His pacing led him back to his couch even if his legs were begging for him to keep moving. He flopped onto the couch and lay face down. Ashley longed for Jinxx to rub his back. He wanted to be held and comforted. He didn’t notice he was tearing up.

Ashley enjoyed his day at the aquarium with Andy and CC. He liked how special they made their trip out to Long Beach. He loved seeing all the animals and fish even if his body ached. He didn’t want to start having a toddler tantrum again but he was experiencing growing pains. He wanted Andy to stop handing him fries and notice that something was wrong. Even with his words, he couldn’t express himself the way he wanted too.

“This is horrible,” he wailed in frustration.

He didn’t notice the spot light dimming low then brightening up again. He buried his face into his folded arms and cried. He let all his frustrations and stress out. The spot light had sympathetically acknowledged that what Ashley was going through was stressful.

-

Andy stopped trying to force Ashley to take the greasy fry he offered him. He could tell from behind the thick glasses that his boyfriend’s eyes were welling up. It was possible that Ashley was overtired or still missing his family. Andy ate the fry in his hand and tended to the daunting task of decoding what was wrong. Ashley stretched his legs and arms only to seem more discouraged. “You growing?” Andy lightheartedly joked.

“Grow ouchies,” Ashley mumbled. He hugged his bat as he tried to hold back the tears.

CC peaked in the rear mirror as he studied Andy, who was seated next to Ashley’s car seat. He wondered if the ‘grow ouchies’ was another factor for the morning tantrum. If Ashley was growing that had to be a good sign.

“We’ll have a nice relaxing bath when we get home,” Andy said. He offered his boyfriend his hand. Whenever he was hurting from one of his many stage antics, Ashley would hold his hand as they waited in hospitals or for the pain to dissipate. They comforted each other whenever something terrible happened.

Andy thought of Ashley’s fall out of the bus. That was his first encounter with his boyfriend being unreasonable with any kind of professional. He tried to hold Ashley’s hand only to find himself trying to pry them away from his face. Andy understood that it was pain and shock that made his boyfriend difficult for paramedics and hospital staff. Eventually, they found the right hospital and Ashley was sent home. That accident was the first time he ever saw his boyfriend cry and plead for the pain to stop. Sending Ashley home for two weeks was the hardest part for Andy. He didn’t like that he couldn’t be there to take care of his boyfriend. Ashley was always there when he needed to recover, that made Andy want to make sure he was always available to offer the same support.

Ashley held his boyfriend’s hand tight. He was running off a forty-five-minute nap and was exhausted.

“Did you at least have fun today?” Andy asked.

The baby nodded and continued to play with Andy’s fingers.

“What was your favorite animal? I happened to like the seahorses. What about you, CC?”

The drummer thought about it for a moment. He liked the sharks a lot and helping Ashley with the touch pools. “I enjoyed the lorikeets,” he said cheerfully. The enthusiastic parrots were always a highlight to CC. He had Ashley nestled against his chest when he got a lorikeet to sit on his arm. They fed the bird nectar together.

“Otters,” Ashley replied.

Andy wiggled his fingers that were caught in Ashley’s hold. He was glad that his boyfriend’s tears didn’t fall. Ashley’s tiny right hand gripped Andy’s thumb. Starry Bat stayed safely hugged in the baby’s left arm. Andy lightly booped Ashley’s nose affectionately. “Why don’t you have a sleep? Then you’ll be energized to pretend you’re an otter in the bath,” Andy said.

-

“I don’t want a nap!” Ashley whined into the velvet couch cushions.

He knew that a nap would make him feel better. The only reason he had doubts flooding through his head was due to his tiredness.

“Andy loves me. I accept his apology and don’t feel angry. We’ve grown as a couple because of this experience. Why do I feel sad?”

Ashley had a gray cloud looming over him.

-

Andy mirrored Ashley’s look. It was sad, the kind of look that said he was lost in his thoughts. “What are you worrying about, panda?” he asked.

“Want you,” Ashley mumbled.

His heart broke for Ashley. He reached out and used his free hand to softly stroke the baby’s chubby cheek. “I’m right here. Can you tell me what you need?” he said.

“You,” Ashley wailed.

Andy shushed his boyfriend and started to quietly sing to him. He hoped to lull Ashley to sleep to stave off the moodiness. He was met with resistance like usual. Ashley babbled no on repeat to stop him from singing.

-

“I don’t want to sleep I want to go stargazing,” Ashley blurted.

He lifted his head up to notice the spot light blinking in a strobe fashion.

It took a moment for it to become clear to Ashley that his emotional thoughts about their fight were still connected to one unresolved promise. He felt the same longing for love that Andy needed when the promise was broken. He wanted to go stargazing because it reminded him of home, it was something he did a lot with Andy when they went to Missouri.

Those nagging, sad emotions were linked to his broken promise. His mind subconsciously wanted him to acknowledge that there was still something that needed to be done. The spot light kept strobing as Ashley pulled himself up into a sitting position on the couch. He sniffled then wiped away his remaining tears.

The way the light blinked made him hopeful that this was the final test. They had to be close. There was no more darkness and the room was fully illuminated from the spot light.

Ashley breathed in a shaky breath as he composed himself. He was emotionally drained from facing the trails of missing his family to wanting Andy’s love.

“What if he won’t go? I’ve been a bit of a terror today,” Ashley said. He played with his hair and tried to weigh his chances of getting a yes.

The spot light kept strobing.

He guessed that was his answer.

-

“I’m here. What’s wrong my love?” Andy asked. He knew it wasn’t safe to take Ashley out of the car seat and he had to rely on touch to prove he was there. If they were home, he would cuddle and pace until his boyfriend was happier.

Ashely sniffled and gripped his boyfriend’s hand tighter.

Andy didn’t know what to do. He rest his hand on the baby’s chest and waited.

“Go stargazing ith me?” Ashley asked timidly. He didn’t look at Andy, he averted his gaze in case he was rejected. His heart raced in his tiny chest as he waited for an answer. If Andy didn’t want to go they could go another night. He sighed and tried to stop feeling scared, there was no reason to fear his boyfriend.

His boyfriend’s sad demeanor brought a sympathetic smile to Andy’s face. He leaned over and pressed a kiss to Ashley’s lips. “I’d like that, how about we go tonight. Can you try to sleep? Then we’ll have a late supper and bath before we go,” Andy said.

“Stay?” Ashley asked. He wanted Andy’s hand to stay on his chest until he fell asleep.

Andy gave him another kiss and reassured him that he was right there. He watched Ashley the whole rest of the drive home. He didn’t take his eyes off the baby.

The rest of the drive was peaceful. They arrived home close to 7:00 pm and CC joined them upstairs. He was unpacking all the food from the backpack as Andy paced around the apartment with the baby. Ashley was finally catching up on the nap hours he missed. As requested, Andy stayed and held his boyfriend as he slept.

“He’s got separation anxiety today,” CC said once he was done putting the food in the fridge. He was unpacking Ashley’s stuffed animals next and asking where they should be put.

Andy nodded towards the bedroom. Ashley was cradled in his arms which made it easier for him to smother him in kisses. He didn’t mind when his boyfriend was needy, he rather liked it for a change of pace. Andy was usually the one who needed kisses and love. “It’s okay. Ashes has gone through a lot today,” Andy said pressing another kiss to Ashley’s cheek.

“He’s going to be really off schedule from having a nap this late,” CC warned.

The younger man didn’t care. He continued to pace around with Ashley long after CC left them to go out with his girlfriend. The only time he put the baby down was to put on the wrap carrier. That allowed Andy to still have Ashley on him while he prepared supper. He couldn’t stop kissing his boyfriend’s forehead every few minutes. He was being equally as needy by dishing out affection to Ashley.

“Are you sick of spaghetti or noodles yet?” Andy asked. He was aware he was talking to himself. He would probably hate noodles for the rest of his life because of this experience. He stared at the box of macaroni and cringed. He dug through the fridge and cabinets in search of other options. At the end of Andy’s search, he settled on what he considered the easiest thing to make for supper...spaghetti.

At least they had an assortment of sauces and it was easy to settle on Alfredo. To make it healthier, Andy added some broccoli and called it done. It didn’t look as nice as Ashley’s spaghetti dishes which always seemed to turn out like a cookbook picture. “It’s the thought that counts,” Andy said while he cut up some fruit into tiny pieces.

Waking Ashley up was his next challenge when supper was on the table. The cranky being was not ready to get up and made a fuss over being tickled. Andy was ready to have his boyfriend back. Baby Ashley was such a whirlwind of emotions and changes, it was hard to keep up. Andy struggled to understand how one day his boyfriend was dependent on him then the next day he was annoyed and wanted to be independent. There was no balance or consistency. If Ashley decided he wasn’t walking after learning to, he wasn’t. Andy figured they were close because his boyfriend’s stubbornness was showing.

“Let me out,” Ashley complained bitterly. He’d gone from not wanting to wake up to thrashing for freedom within minutes.

Andy groaned and released the baby from the carrier. He sat Ashley down on the floor only to have him screaming about being picked up.

“I want up!”

The younger man untangled himself from the wrap carrier and took a seat at the kitchen table. “I want you to make a decision,” Andy mumbled as he picked up the baby.

He didn’t understand that Ashley was overstimulated. The day had started out with them having attitude towards each other. There was the emotional hurt from fighting and missing family. Also, CC hanging around, Andy allowing him to be clingy and Jinxx coming then going. The whole trip and exploration of the aquarium was fun though it was a lot to take in. Andy and CC handed him back and forth as they explored. The trip cut into his nap time which was necessary to keep him going for the day. Being overstimulated was still affecting Ashley as he tried to navigate through his day.

“Andy,” he whined. He couldn’t easily rub at his eyes because of the glasses. He wondered where his bat was and why he had to eat spaghetti again.

Andy cradled the baby in his arms and reminded himself that being patient would help. He didn’t want a repeat episode of Ashley crying in the hallway. He hummed and like a natural picked up the half full bottle of apple juice. He didn’t ask Ashley want he wanted, he shoved the bottle into his mouth and continued to hum. He waited until his boyfriend was done before he sat him up on his knee. “Feeling better?” he asked knowingly.

Ashley nodded and let Andy feed him the spaghetti.

There was no playing with food or exchanges, only Andy calmly in the quiet of their kitchen feeding Ashley then himself. They ate in peace and while the dishes were being done, the baby sat in the middle of the kitchen coloring. Andy was thankful for the silence. It gave them each time to unwind. He missed having time to write or be alone. Ashley must have felt something similar at times. The dishes didn’t take as long as Andy anticipated but it gave him time to sit down with his boyfriend and admire his drawings.

“Otters,” Ashley pointed out his very cartoonish interpretation. He named all the sea creatures he drew. There were sharks, fish, seahorses, and the octopus as well. Ashley was very proud of his work and smiled.

-

The nap and quiet time helped settle Ashley’s overactive mind. He had no more doubts and wasn’t panicking that he would be apart from Andy. The calm environment his boyfriend was creating for him made it easier to express himself too.

Ashley was splayed out on the couch lazily. He was content and didn’t want to move for any reason.

“I’m ready for this bath,” Ashley said.

Usually his baby form would want to splash about and make a mess, his adult self missed laying back and closing his eyes. There was no need to playfully bother Andy tonight.

-

Andy allowed Ashley time to clean up his crayons and put his pictures in a safe place before they had their bath. He felt proud watching his boyfriend yank at his shoelaces only to point and asked for help. He undid the bows and let Ashley pull his shoes off. It was like they had a silent understanding over when help was needed. Andy allowed his boyfriend to try things on his own until it was obvious that he needed to intervene.

Ashley was down to his diaper in no time and sat patiently waiting for Andy to get the bathtub filled up.

“Do you need to potty?” Andy asked. The first time trying the toilet went well. It made Andy want to keep Ashley on a potty-training routine, he hated diapers.

The baby made a certain face that could only mean one thing.

“Or not. Give me some warning and we can use the toilet,” Andy said. He wanted to encourage Ashley more. He spent the first half of their morning doubting that his boyfriend was capable of handling small tasks. Now he could see that Ashley was happiest when he was learning and showing off.

Ashley gave him a nod that he understood.

Andy changed the diaper in record time. He knew how to get the task over with as quick as possible while having a CC approved level of clean. He watched Ashley stand at the side of the tub to watch the bubbles rise while he cleaned up. He noticed how tiny the odd star tattoo looked on his boyfriend’s back. The collection slowly grew on Ashley’s back. Andy’s favorite tattoo on his boyfriend’s baby form was the Outlaw tattoo, it looked more innocent than its intended purpose of being sexy.

“I can see your bum,” Andy teased.

Ashley pointed out the bubbles and smiled. His silence was somewhat nice though Andy was beginning to really miss his babbling and talking.

Andy anticipated splashing not cuddling. It was like his normal baths with Ashley. The baby leaned back against Andy, his tiny hands sifted the water. Andy’s heart fluttered when he saw Ashley close his eyes and lounge in his usually manner in the bath. They’d found peace.

“Love you, Ashes,” Andy said.

Ashley made a small contented sound and tilted his head back to look at Andy even if his vision was blurry. “Love you too,” he said.

They stayed in the bath until both of their fingers and toes were pruney. Ashley didn’t protest over having his hair washed or waiting for Andy to wash his hair. He was content being cocooned in one of their plush towels while watching his boyfriend dry his hair.

-

Everything seemed right.

The broken promise was set in motion to be resolved.

Ashley was relaxing on his couch while his baby form stayed safely wrapped in the towel. He had a feeling that all their trials had led them to this exact moment. The moment they could exist peacefully together as a couple. Ashley watched Andy get ready and appreciated how much his boyfriend grew in maturity. He was endlessly proud of Andy as a singer and musician, he loved him as his partner, and the man he was becoming.

“I never believed you hated me,” Ashley said.

Andy was trying to blow dry his knotted mess of hair. He cursed under his breath, something about wishing he had his boyfriend’s help. He hummed and cursed as his hair started to dry.

“I was hurt that you would say something like that, I never once believed it to be true. I understand what it feels like to be unheard and misunderstood. You’ve done such a wonderful job taking care of me at my best and worst. I don’t need time to forgive you, knowing you’d go up and beyond for me as a baby is enough. I’m proud of the man you’ve become and that I’ve been part of that experience. I love you infinitely,” Ashley said.

-

Andy caught Ashley staring at him.

The kind of look he had when he was appreciating and admiring something.

“I give up on my hair,” Andy chuckled. Half dry was as good enough. He pulled it back into a messy knot. He was ready to snuggle his little caterpillar who was still wrapped up snug in his towel. “It’s been a while, is my caterpillar ready to become a beautiful butterfly?” he said trying his best to quote The Very Hungry Caterpillar.

Ashley giggled as Andy hugged him close. “No, Ashley a bat,” he said.

“Want me to hang you upside down once you’re dressed?”

The baby squealed no and calmed down again. On tour Andy had a bad habit of trying to throw him over his shoulder and run off with him. It became terrifying to Ashley since his boyfriend was clumsy and once by accident smacked his head on the side of a bus. Andy was worried and babied him over the accident. When Ashley gave his boyfriend piggyback rides, he was to tall. His feet touched the ground and made it hard for Ashley to get anywhere quick. The very idea of Andy holding him upside down was a bad idea.

“You little nudist, we forgot your diaper,” Andy said. They returned to the bathroom to get a diaper on. Ashley showed him that he could figure out the sticky tabs. Then he ran back to the bedroom.

The showing off didn’t stop there. Ashley put his ‘cute as hell’ shirt on by himself along with his socks. He chatted away about his pants until Andy helped him into his jeans. Ashley even went to get his shoes that were abandoned in the kitchen to show his boyfriend that he could put them on by himself. “See? I do. Now, you tie,” he said sweetly.

“Even on the right feet. Good job,” Andy said making smoochy sounds at Ashley to give a reward kiss. He tied the laces then backed away as Ashley ran off again. It gave him time to get dressed in warm clothes. He snagged one of Ashley’s hoodies to wear under his jacket. Once he was fully dressed, he found Ashley in the hallway trying to figure out his hoodie. “Here, I’ll hold it and you put your arms in,” he offered.

Ashley handed the hoodie over and smiled. He waited for Andy to get the hoodie held up and he wiggled his arms in. “I can’t zip,” he warned. He turned around to show Andy that he might have his arms in the sleeves, he was helpless in the terms of the zipper.

“That’s okay,” Andy said pairing then zipping up the sweater.

The baby clapped excitedly then was off again to find his bat blanket.

Andy watched Ashley hop like a bunny into the bedroom to get his new favorite toy. He was tying his shoes when the hopping bunny returned. Tokyo and Killer were now ready to play follow the leader. “Baby Bat needs his jacket on,” Andy warned. He didn’t want the dogs getting riled up before they left. Ashley was also somewhat calm, and he wanted to keep him that way.

“You help,” Ashley told Andy.

He didn’t mind holding the jacket out or helping Ashley get bundled up. Andy knew the hill that they usually went stargazing on would be chilly, it always was in the evenings. He made Ashley wear the slouched beanie CC bought him too. He wasn’t going to risk his boyfriend getting a chill.

“Go?”

Andy pulled on his leather jacket and a beanie too. He decided to ask if Ashley was walking by himself or wanted to be carried. They were having such a peaceful night without his tantrums. He wanted to savor the moment in case there was more the next morning. “Do you want to walk with Starry Bat or be carried?” he asked.

“Batman!” Ashley squealed and put his arms up indicating he preferred to be carried.

“Awe, you’re the best,” Andy cooed as he scooped up Ashley. He would accept being called Batman.

Andy took the risk of not taking his trusty backpack though he had Ashley’s gray star blanket. He figured they wouldn’t be out late and Ashley should have been full, he fed him a big supper. They locked up the apartment and hurried to the elevator where Andy let Ashley push the buttons. They laughed and joked as they got down to the garage. Andy talked in his Batman voice while dipping Ashley back. He smothered the baby in kisses until they got to the car.

It took some wiggling to get Ashley into the car seat because of all his layers. Andy turned the volume up on the stereo to keep his boyfriend awake. They were listening to Disney songs as they drove out to their special hill to stargaze. They each sang to their hearts content along with the Disney Classics CD. The drive took them nearly half an hour but once they finally reached their favorite look out, Andy parked the car.

“Star time?” Ashley asked innocently.

Andy smiled to himself as he got out of the car. He could see Ashley kicking his legs eagerly to be freed. He chattered loudly and asked to be picked up. The cool breeze caused Andy to shiver as he worked on freeing Ashley. All the layers had him stuck in the car seat. Andy had to wiggle him out.

“It cold,” Ashley remarked when he was propped on Andy’s hip.

The younger boy wrapped the baby blanket around Ashley. They would sit on the hood of Andy’s car like they always did when they went stargazing in the city. When they were in Missouri, Ashley would borrow his grandparent’s truck and they’d lay in the truck bed. Andy cocooned Ashley in the blanket and hugged him tightly to transfer his body heat. “Is that better, panda?” he asked.

“Yah, thank you,” Ashley said.

-

Ashley remembered the first time they ever went stargazing at the lookout hill.

It had been a quieter evening when Andy threw his notebook in frustration. He nearly hit Ashley who sat near him sketching. He understood writers block and offered to take Andy out. They drove out to the lookout hill and Ashley wrapped his arm around his boyfriend’s shoulders. He kissed him and reassured him that he would get past his block.

“You wished on the shooting star I saw. I didn’t need to make a wish for something, I already had what I wanted in my arms,” Ashley mused. “Every shooting star you’ve spotted I always wondered if you wished for me like I did for you.”

-

Nestled in Andy’s arms in the chilly night air, Ashley gaze up at the sky and searched for a shooting star. He saw Ursa Major and his eyes naturally scanned the constellations for more he recognized. He remembered how his grandparents would let him stay up and name the stars with them. It had been a coping mechanism that turned into a passion. He could tell Andy was waiting for him to start naming constellations. They usually took turns pointing them out. To be fair, Ashley chose an easy one to allow Andy a chance to impress him. “Urha Minor,” Ashley said pointing the best he could. The wind was a bit cold which had him putting his hand back into the safe confines of the blanket.

Andy looked at the sky and picked out the one he usually started with. He knew Ashley was letting him have all the easy ones. When they started dating, naming constellations became a small staple of their relationship. Ashley had all the patience in the world to teach him the names and draw the patterns out in the sky. He knew all the stories and even when they were in Missouri, they would get the telescope out. There was no fighting when they were watching the skies together. “Ursa Major,” Andy said pointing it out.

“Draco,” Ashley said excitedly.

For some reason Andy felt victorious beating Ashley to Orion. He pointed it out and pecked kisses all over his boyfriend’s face. He appreciated that Ashley’s promise was not broken. He never really doubted that his boyfriend would intentionally break a promise and for him to make it right made Andy happy. He was bubbling with love and affection which he planned to inflict upon Ashley. “Thank you for asking me to go stargazing,” Andy said emphasising each word with a kiss.

“Andy, shooting star!”

Andy peaked up at the sky and watched the star shoot past. Ashley always told him if he saw the star before it got out of sight it was his wish. He’d always wish for more time alone with his boyfriend or to be a better person. He didn’t want petty things that some people might wish for. He wished for his relationship to be strong. “I must have missed it,” Andy fibbed. “I believe someone very wise told me if you see the shooting star before it goes out of sight you get to make the wish.”

Ashley closed his eyes and wished for the one thing he wanted most…to be back to normal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go! Sorry for the wait. It takes a long time to write 11,000+ words between musical rehearsals and tracking. I also wanted to make sure as usual I give you the most quality vs an unplanned story.  
> Disclaimer: Ashley's missing of his family is based off when I was a kid/adult finally getting over my dad (thankfully I had an amazing stepdad who helped me keep my dad's memory alive) It was needed for plot and means no offense to Ashley in any way.  
> I hope you guys enjoy this!


	9. Chapter 9

_You’re being a fucking baby._

_Don’t bother coming home tonight, I don’t want you here._

_There’s no point! He doesn’t love me anymore because I’m disappointing._

_I fucking hate you, Ash. Don’t bother coming home tonight, I don’t want you here._

_Things will get better between you two. You guys have an age gap and sometimes you both forget how to appreciate one another. That doesn’t mean you two don’t love each other._

_He walked away after you said that because he loves you enough not to hurt you back._

_You said things in anger. That doesn’t mean you are unlovable. Ashley loves you for so many reasons. All you need to do is step up and be the man he needs._

The words were loud, they echoed on repeat until it was deafening. They didn’t stop. Each phrase was repeated as the tempo increased. Each voice was connected to the phrase. The voices uttered their phrase until they all started to morph together and become a mess of screamed words.

“SHUT UP!” Ashley screamed. He covered his ears with his hands and begged loudly for the noise to stop. His ears were screeching as he jolted upright in bed. His eyes were still shut as he commanded the noise to stop. “SHUT UP, SHUT UP SHUT UP!”

Andy was scared awake by the sudden outburst and feared Ashley was having a nightmare. He reached a hand out for the bedside lamp and flicked it on. A golden glow filled the room as he turned back to check on his boyfriend. Andy blinked a few times to adjust to the light. He saw Ashley’s raven hair, the tattoos running down his muscular arms, and tattooed hands clamped tightly over his ears. His eyes were clasped shut and trails of tears streamed from his closed eyes. Andy’s heart beat heavily in his chest as he took in the sight of Ashley sitting up in bed beside him. His footie pajamas replaced by his usual sleeping attire. His inky tresses were in a messy ponytail. The screaming didn’t stop. His toned body swayed a bit as he kept chanting for whatever was bothering him to shut up.

Ashley wasn’t awake. He was caught somewhere between his prison and the real world. A hand gently massaged his shoulder then strong hands tried to pry his own hands away from his ears. If Ashley removed his hands from his ears the words would get louder. His head and ears were ringing from all the screaming.

“Listen to my voice, Ash. You need to open your eyes. It’s safe out here with me. Open your eyes, panda.”

Andy’s voice was echoing loudly against the other voices, phrases, and words.

“Ashley, you need to wake up,” Andy started. He managed to pull Ashley’s hands away from his ears. There was a lot of flailing as the smaller man tried to fight off his attacker and the noise. “It’s me, Andy. Calm down,” he whispered.

The hands around his wrists were threatening. They were like the claws of the monsters that tormented him in his dreams. “Let me go,” Ashley pleaded. His screaming was replaced by the sad sound of fear. His breathing became erratic as he fought blindly.

Andy could feel his boyfriend shaking. He took the risk of being hit to hug Ashley as tight as possible. He managed to get his boyfriend’s arms tucked and pinned to his chest to avoid getting hit. “Ashley, you can always follow my voice. You need to open your eyes. I want you to open your eyes,” Andy said. His eyes were burning. The moment he got a hold of his very real adult Ashley, he didn’t intend to let him go. The very thought that he was holding his boyfriend made him thankful.

The voices in Ashley’s head couldn’t complete with Andy’s voice. They died down and allowed Andy’s voice to guide him. Ashley heard his boyfriend begging for him to open his eyes. He could feel Andy’s lips pressing kisses to his face while he held him tight. The kind of tight that made him acknowledge he was not alone and in a safe place.

“Common, Ashley.”

Ashley fought with his heavy eyes. He was sick of being stuck in the middle, just teetering on the edge of freedom. He was in darkness which he hated more than anything. He wanted out. He didn’t know what he had to do or say to be free, he thought of the only thing he could in the moment. “I forgive you,” he wailed. Ashley’s eyes shot open and he was met with blurriness.

“Sh, it okay,” Andy said releasing Ashley a bit, so he could look at his boyfriend. His brown eyes were blood shot and huge. Sweat slicked his forehead which made him appear to have a glow. Andy smoothed out Ashley’s messy hair. “I missed you,” he said lovingly.

The glow of the bedside lamp made Ashley anxious that he was dreaming about being back. He didn’t trust that he couldn’t see. His breathing started to get erratic to the point of him getting the hiccups.

Andy lightly rocked them as they sat on their bed. He cooed sweet nothings to Ashley and kissed him to help him calm down. Andy rubbed his boyfriend’s back until he was sure the outburst was subsiding. He didn’t rush Ashley as he readjusted. After a few minutes, Ashley pulled his arms free and wrapped them around Andy.

“Am I really back?” Ashley rasped out.

The younger man chuckled as he kissed his boyfriend’s cheek. “I can see the scar on the side of your nose, the flecks in your eyes, I can feel your hands on my back and your arms wrapped around me. You’re in boxers and your ratty Nirvana tank top that I should have thrown out, and you appear to be the same guy I fell in love with,” Andy said squeezing Ashley.

“What if I’m not here?”

Andy released his grip on Ashley to lean over and grab the glasses case on the bedside table. He pulled the turquoise glasses from the cases and gently placed the glasses on his boyfriend’s face. He understood it was minor visual impairment, Ashley needed to trust that he could see he was back. “Look at your hand,” Andy started. He waited for Ashley follow his command before he continued.

Ashley warily lifted his hand away from Andy’s back and into his view. He sucked in a breath when he saw his tattooed hand. “I’m here,” he whispered.

They held each other. Andy didn’t let go of Ashley until his legs started to cramp up. He suggested going back to sleep only to be met with resistance. Ashley feared going back to sleep, he rambled on about not returning if he slept. Andy soothed his worries by promising to stay awake to watch him.

“I can’t, don’t make me sleep,” Ashley begged. He didn’t want to sleep. The very idea of waking up normal made him want to get up and stare in the floor length mirror for the next hour. Sleep meant returning to his overactive mind. The voices would be waiting for him.

Andy was tired. They got home near midnight from their stargazing date and it took time to settle Ashley down. The tiny being was restless and hungry. It was after five and he needed sleep. Convincing his boyfriend was a whole other matter. Andy was excited to wake up to find Ashley normal again. He didn’t expect it to happen so soon. Andy groaned and gave into Ashley’s pleas. “If you want me to stay awake with you, we need to watch a movie or something,” Andy yawned.

“Coffee? I could use some coffee or tea…I like tea,” Ashley said nervously. He had a tough time being separated from Andy. His hand was linked with his boyfriend’s as they lay beside each other. Andy might have convinced him to lay down, sleeping wasn’t going to happen.

They ended up watched whatever was in the DVD player at the time. Andy grumbled when he saw it was Dances with Wolves. He couldn’t remember when the last time they watched a movie in their bedroom but obviously Ashley had walled himself up to watch westerns one day. He wanted to get up and get Lord of The Rings or something substantially long that meant they could stay in bed until 8:00 am.

Ashley decided not to lay down, he instead propped his pillows the way he did when he planned to work in bed. He picked up his star blanket and cuddled it. He wasn’t really watching the movie, he stared at the wall and focused on the picture frames. Ashley didn’t notice his lip quivering or that his breathing had changed. Andy however did and lazily wrapped his arms around his partner’s thin waist.

“I promise, you’re back and everything is fine,” Andy said. He kissed Ashley’s clothed tummy and tickled his side, neither rendering the reaction he was expecting. He didn’t know how else to prove that he wasn’t lying. “I’m going to make you that coffee,” he said.

Andy didn’t want to get up, leaving Ashley and his bed was the last thing he wanted to do. He reassured Ashley that he was fine to be alone and extended the invitation to the kitchen if he wanted to join him. Andy was disappointed when the invitation was declined, that meant he had to go to the kitchen alone. Tokyo and Killer were confused when the kitchen light flicked on. They blinked and slowly made their way into the kitchen to join Andy.

“Hey poopers. Guess who’s back?” Andy asked. The two Pomeranians turned their heads and begged for the bread that he was pulling from the breadbox. Andy hummed as he dropped two slices of bread into the toaster. He bustled around the kitchen as he waited for the toast to crisp and the coffee pot to fill. Andy wanted to encourage the dogs to follow him into the bedroom. He made Ashley’s coffee the way he liked it and some cinnamon toast. It was almost to easy to get the dog to follow him when he had a plate full of toasted bread. “Common, let’s go make your daddy feel better,” he cooed to the dogs. They followed him down the hallway eager for food.

Ashley was dozing off. He’d only been alone for ten minutes, it was the low sounds of the TV made that caused him to be tired. Whenever they watched TV in bed, he’d fall asleep. Ashley was trying his hardest to stay awake, sleep was calling for him while his mind begged him to stay awake.

Tokyo and Killer didn’t expect to see Ashley laying in bed. When they spotted him, they ran in front of Andy and hopped on the bed. Both dogs crawled into Ashley’s lap and competed for his attention. Their excitement couldn’t be contained as they bounced and wiggled about.

“My little babies,” Ashley said cheerfully. He’d missed them even though they were always there. His dogs were there for him when he felt like the world was against him or Andy was mad. They loved him unconditionally and always wanted to be around him unlike his boyfriend when he was in a mood. He baby talked Tokyo and Killer until they settled down.

Andy placed the coffee on the bedside table and showed Ashley the toast. “I made you some toast too,” he said. Out of habit, he leaned down and kissed Ashley on the lips.

“You swear you see me as an adult and not a baby?” Ashley asked when their kiss was broken.

The question confused Andy for a moment. Was Ashley referring to their fight when he clearly stated that Ashley was a baby or was he commenting on physical appearance? Andy took a moment to consider what words he was going to use. If he’d learned anything it was to take his time and think before he spoke. He let the plate of toast join the cup of untouched coffee. He sat on the edge of the bed which sent the dogs scrambling to his side to glare. Andy took hold of Ashley’s hands and smiled. He really looked at his boyfriend for a moment, he tried to appreciate him in the way Ashley would appreciate him. “I swear I see Ashley Purdy sitting in front of me in all his 5’10” glory. Looking as beautiful as ever,” he said.

“Oh, shut up,” Ashley laughed. He lightly hit Andy’s arm over the compliment. “I missed you too. I missed you a lot. It wasn’t the same not being able to wrap my arms around you or kiss you in a way that wouldn’t be considered weird,” he said.

Andy leaned forward and kissed him again. He was patient, he allowed the kiss to linger and not become something sexual. He wanted to savor the kiss. He didn’t let it get to heated even when Ashley started to pull him closer and deepened the kiss. It brought memories flooding back of simpler times. Nights when he couldn’t decide if he wanted to stay or go back to his run-down apartment. Andy treaded lightly then; every kiss or touch was cautious. Ashley never tried to force his hand even though they both knew what was happening between them. It was Ashley that put his heart on the line, the one dropping to his knees and warning Andy about his intentions, and if his actions weren’t accepted, he’d stop.

Ashley gave and never expected anything in return. He was kind and supportive. He went beyond the standards of most boyfriends. They were each other’s first. A case of friend’s falling in love with the person not the gender. Ashley was filled with nothing but love while Andy was full of fear. It was fear that his boyfriend would meet someone better, the kind of fear that made him question himself. Andy feared how the world would view him for being with Ashley. Those were at least the early months of their relationship. As they grew as a couple, Andy didn’t fear other peoples’ judgement, he wished he could shout it on stage that he loved Ashley. He wanted the entire world to know he had the one person they couldn’t have. Little did Andy know that Ashley had similar feelings. They talked about it once, they considered Bryan Stars to be the only worthy person if they were to come out as a couple. Every festival and interview, they changed their mind to opt for privacy.

Privacy made everything safer. It allowed them to come home happy (even if they had fights). The world was obsessed with them already without the knowledge that they lived together. Andy sensed from Ashley’s body language that his mind was rationalizing what to do. They were invested in a rather heated kiss that was about to turn into something else if they didn’t stop.

“An-Andy stop,” Ashley said. He was breathless as he came up for air. He seemed to be in a daze as he regained some of his composure. “I’m not,” he said only to stop talking.

Andy pecked a kiss to Ashley’s nose. He understood. There was no reason for his boyfriend to explain what was going on. It was clear that he was thinking about them both in this situation. “I love you and we can wait,” he said reassuringly.

“I need to adjust to being an adult,” Ashley said. His cheeks were burning because of his honestly.

“I need to adjust to you being an adult too. I’m going to miss my baby Ashley,” Andy teased.

The coffee and toast were forgotten. Ashley’s glasses were returned to the case as they both lay down in bed. Andy smoothed out his boyfriend’s hair and hummed to him. He lazily kissed Ashley until he drifted off. Tokyo and Killer stayed even though they knew they weren’t allowed to sleep with them. Their small family returned to sleep for a few hours.

When Ashley stated he needed to adjust to being an adult again he didn’t expect the transition to be difficult. He was easily discouraged because his coordination was off. It was like having an ear infection or being drunk. He was unsteady which made him skeptical about moving around the apartment. His whole body ached and protested when he walked. Ashley was thankful for Andy’s patience as he got him up and moving. Every step was agonizing as he became accustomed to his body again. Andy’s kind words were encouraging as they went into the bathroom. He didn’t rush Ashley or become frustrated as he handed him a toothbrush. Andy took it upon himself to brush his boyfriend’s hair and run a bath with epsom salts.

“Are you not coming in?” Ashley questioned as he got helped into the tub. The warm water instantly soothed all his aches and pains. He wanted Andy with him, his natural need to cling was becoming desperate.

Andy got him comfortably laying down before taking a seat on the bathroom floor next to the tub. He dipped his hand into the water and rubbed his fingers against Ashley’s hip. “Not this time. You need the space to relax. I’m right here,” he said.

“I want you in here,” Ashley whined. He crossed his arms over his chest and stuck his tongue out at Andy in defiance.

That action sparked a special feeling in Andy’s heart. He loved that specific mannerism of Ashley’s. It was a childlike quality while being endearing. It was their little game of Andy calling Ashley all his pet names until he smiled or stopped frowning. He stood up and shimmied his way out of his boxers and t-shirt. “I’m only giving into you because you’re my favorite person in this world,” he said.

Ashley winced as he sat up and shuffled forward a bit to give his boyfriend room to join him in the bathtub. He didn’t complain as he was bumped about to allow his taller counterpoint the space he needed to get situated. Ashley took joy in the arms that wrapped around his upper chest and pulled him back into the warm water.

Andy couldn’t tell that Ashley was beaming.

He stayed glued to Ashley the rest of the morning. Andy made sure that he was moving around and comfortable. It was like Ashley being sick. He put Lord of The Rings on and left his boyfriend cuddled up on the couch with the dogs. Andy checked in from time to time as he packed up the baby clothes. He sent texts to their friends to tell them Ashley woke up adult that morning.

That news brought a sea of texts and attempted calls. Each of them wanted to get a hold of Andy or speak to Ashley. They all offered to come over and bring food. Each offer seemed to best someone else's.

“Andy, can you do me a favor?” Ashley yelled from the couch. He moved his stiff legs and tried not to be a baby over the pain. Tokyo and Killer climbed higher on his body to avoid being disturbed again.

Andy folded the last of Ashley’s baby clothes and lined them up in the clothes basket. “What do you need, Ashes?” Andy replied. He started to fold a blanket next.

“I have a leg cramp and it hurts,” Ashley said. He knew Andy was busy cleaning the apartment and packing away the baby stuff. He felt like a burden that he was essentially useless. The pain ran up his legs and made him wince. He hated that he was suffering. It didn’t seem fair that he was forced to suffer a fight and six days as a baby. It was a week of constant difficulties. His body didn’t deserve any more punishment.

The desperate cry caused Andy to drop the blanket and rush to the living room. He found Ashley writhing in pain over the cramp. He rounded the couch and lifted his boyfriend’s legs up to rest in his lap once he was seated. Andy gave him a sympathetic look as he massaged Ashley’s calf muscles one at a time. “Better? You should drink some more water,” Andy said lovingly. He continued to massage Ashley’s calves until he was visibly calm.

“I hate this,” Ashley said. His voice had that sad undertone which tipped off most people that knew him that he was emotional. He blinked excessively while he pouted.

Andy sympathized. He couldn’t even begin to imagine what Ashley went through in that week. He was willing to do whatever was needed to make the transition easier. “I know, is there anything I can do to make it better? I can try to bounce you on my hip,” Andy laughed.

The joke caused a chain reaction of Ashley smiling and laughing. Even though a tear or two escaped from his brown eyes the smaller man was laughing.

“CC can come over and call you peanut, Jinxx can sing songs with you, and Jake could give you a hug. Then I’ll feed you noodles and put you to bed,” Andy said happily.

Ashley wiped away the stray tears with the back of his hand. He didn’t stop laughing though. He appreciated everything their friends did for them. He was spoiled and loved through the experience. They came together in a unique way as friends. “I’m not sure I’m ready to see them,” Ashley admitted.

“I told them you might want space. I can’t promise they won’t show up here. Their all excited about your return,” Andy said rubbing Ashley’s leg. He asked their friends to wait until he sent them a text or Ashley reached out. He didn’t get a real response from either of them that they understood.

“I’m so sick of noodles and spaghetti. We have to eat something else for supper, koala,” Ashley said. He never thought the day would come when he would grow sick of noodles. Ashley had cookbooks dedicated to pastas and Andy managed to burn him out in six days.

Andy sighed in relief. “I mean if we did invite the guys over, they offered to bring food. There was a lot of suggestions,” he said. Free food meant they didn’t have to cook and he wouldn’t have to do dishes.

“It’s what noon, can we worry about this later? It’s making me anxious thinking about it,” Ashley said. He was snuggling his star blanket, he gave Andy an earful when he tried to take it earlier. Whatever kept Ashley calm needed to be within reach.

He knew emotions were running high. Assuming Ashley was okay was like assuming the sky was blue or the grass was green. Just like his baby form, he was unpredictable. Andy didn’t want him upset for any reason. Tiny things set Ashley off, he didn’t have patience which was making him emotional. Andy kept reminding him that things were getting better.

“I’m sorry, I don’t want you to be anxious. I still have a few things to do, are you okay here alone?” Andy asked. He didn’t mind putting off his cleaning if it would make Ashley happy. There wasn’t anything that couldn’t wait.

Ashley hugged his blanket and thought of an answer. He didn’t want to be alone, he didn’t want to sleep, or be separated from Andy. His rational thoughts were replaced with his desperate need to be loved. “I’m having some trouble being apart from you. I need you to stay,” Ashley said matter-of-factly. He wasn’t going to lie, he was having separation anxiety and becoming anxious over minor things.

“You being clingy as an adult is adorable,” Andy teased.

Ashley stuck his tongue out and struck his usual, ‘Ashley Purdy is stubborn’ stance.

As requested, Andy didn’t leave. His only escape from his boyfriend’s view was to switch the movies in the DVD player and go to the bathroom. He acted the same way to Ashley. He wouldn’t allow him out of his sight when he was having emotional distress over a fight. He usually wanted comfort which Ashley would give him along with validation that they were fine.  They were in the middle The Two Towers when Ashley ended up in Andy’s lap to cuddle.

“I’m small and this works,” Ashley said. His tone was cocky as he let Andy cradle him. It wasn’t like they didn’t cuddle or sit that way on tour. With limited space, Andy became a chair for Ashley.

Andy laughed at his comment. “If you want me to hold you the way I did when you were a baby, I’ll hold you that way. Use your words,” he said. He kissed Ashley on the side of the cheek and proceeded to tighten his arms around his boyfriend.

“Wish I had my soother too,” Ashley mumbled. There were some things in his babyhood that made him content. His blanket, stuffed animals, and soother were his favorite comfort items.

“I’m tossing them. Sorry Ashes, you’re too old for soothers,” Andy said sternly.

Ashley grumbled indignantly about the injustice then his dirty mind kicked in. He smiled deviously and gave Andy the look he always gave him when he was in the mood.

“I see your perverted mind works again,” Andy said. He didn’t humor Ashley’s realization. “Don’t you dare say what else works...I mean it,” he warned. He loved Ashley, he loved every ounce of his existence, he didn’t always love his dirty mind and filthy mouth. The very thought of Ashley’s mouth was drawing him into his boyfriend’s perverted mind games.

That didn’t seem to stop Ashley from poking his boyfriend in the chest. He didn’t want to pursue his realization or dirty thoughts. He needed time and space, there was no need to rush their sexual needs. Ashley hated couples who used sex as an apology after a fight. They luckily weren’t that kind of couple. They would talk and resume life after a fight. Chores and cooking supper didn’t go on hold because they had a disagreement. Ashley’s first time walking out was that singular fight. All their previous fights and disagreements were resolved in a timely manner. They watched movies and spent time together after they apologized.

“Are you hunger?” Andy asked a bit later. He had hunger pangs starting to form and if he didn’t eat soon he was going to be cranky. He was still cradling Ashley like an oversized baby. Andy didn’t want to uproot his boyfriend from his cozy position but the need for food was starting to take its toll on him.

Ashley shrugged, he could eat if Andy was intending to make him food.

“Do you want peanut butter and jelly?” Andy said twisting a piece of Ashley’s hair around his finger.

He gave Andy another shrug.

“Are you feeling okay? You love peanut butter,” Andy questioned. He wasn’t used to Ashley being indecisive over his favorite foods. He left the topic alone. Forcing Ashley to do anything seemed like a bad idea.

Andy managed to get free of Ashley’s grasp to make some food only for the sandwich to sit on the table along with everything else food or drink related. He tried to coax his boyfriend into having a snack only to be met with resistance. It felt like he was dealing Ashley’s baby form. Andy tried a few times to feed his boyfriend only to receive one of the most annoyed looks he’d ever witnessed. He was used to Ashley’s glare only to find that this look was scarier. He withdrew his hand and ate the offending piece of food.

Against Ashley’s wishes, he asked the guys to come over. They promised to show up with Del Taco and Krispy Kreme doughnuts. Andy knew he was pushing his luck, he was tired of cleaning up plates of food that were picked at. Ashley wasn’t a fussy eater unless it was avocado. Inviting the guys over was a risk he was willing to take to get Ashley to eat.

Ashley’s scowl was permanently plastered to his face as he watched Lord of The Rings. He was back on his side of the couch, legs propped up by a pillow while he hugged his blanket. Tokyo and Killer did their rounds to make sure he was still there. They would bring a toy and expect to play catch or keep away. He was on the verge of screaming or crying, he couldn’t decide which would make him feel better. He was suddenly thankful that Andy went back to tidying up the apartment and was allowing him some time alone.

“Do you want to draw?” Andy asked when he passed through the living room. He wanted to find something that would make Ashley smile again.

A loud knock cut off Ashley’s response and his eyes narrowed.

Andy gave him a sorry look and went to open the apartment door. CC kicked his shoes clear down the hall in excitement while Jake and Jinxx calmly entered the apartment. Tokyo and Killer were barking and jumping around as they went to greet their guests. Andy welcomed his friends and he feared the worst when he heard Ashley getting up from the couch.

“I told you I didn’t want them here!” Ashley yelled from the living room doorway. He hobbled his way to their bedroom, avoiding CC’s shoes and his dogs in the process. He wanted to be alone with Andy. He wanted to suffer through all the changes privately not with an audience. He threw open the bedroom door and slammed it shut dramatically. He didn’t care how immature he seemed, he was in a bad mood.

Ashley’s bitter mood was now spreading through the apartment.

“Why is Ashley so cranky?” CC asked curiously. He was looking forward to hugging his best friend and telling him how happy he was over his return.

Jake decided his best defense mechanism was to stay silent and be talked at. It was usually Andy in one of these moods not Ashley. Unless he was needed he planned to keep to himself.

Jinxx however was not going to let the outburst be the memory of Ashley’s return. He handed the bag of Del Taco over to Andy and walked down the hallway towards the bedroom. 

“Jinxx, he wants to be alone. I shouldn’t have asked you guys here. I’m sorry,” Andy said sadly.

The other blue-eyed man scoffed. “Leave this to me,” he said in his all-knowing way. None of them doubted Jinxx’s ability to calm a situation. They didn’t want to see him in a fight with Ashley.

With all warnings aside, everyone else decided to eat and wait for Jinxx or Ashley to emerge.

Jinxx lightly knocked on the bedroom door and pushed the door open. He found Ashley face down on the bed crying. He was acting the same way he had when he showed up at Jinxx’s house a week ago. “You’re being a big baby, Ashley Purdy,” Jinxx chuckled as he sat on the edge of the bed. His hand rest on Ashley’s back as he started to rub small circles to bring him comfort.

“I-wa-want to be alone,” Ashley sobbed into his pillow. He was exhausted, hungry, and overwhelmed. He didn’t understand why his friends or boyfriend couldn’t respect his needs.

That seemed to make Jinxx chuckle more. “I seem to remember a very sad boy laying face down on my couch thinking Andy hated him. Someone begging to feel loved. For a week you learned how much you are loved. Stop crying and come be with the people who love you,” he said.

“I want to be alone,” Ashley reiterated.

Jinxx smiled sympathetically. “No, you don’t,” he countered.

“Leave me the hell alone,” the smaller man spat.

The venomous tone that left his friend’s mouth made Jinxx grin manically as he tickled Ashley’s sides. There was shriek and the smaller man flailed to get away, he rolled onto his back, and clamped his arms down to his sides. That didn’t stop Jinxx from trying to tickle him. “I see you trying to bite back that smile,” he started. He put his hands up to show he wasn’t going to tickle Ashley again. “Listen, what you went through was difficult and I am sorry that I got involved. Andy did an amazing job proving he could be a better man for you and a lot of things you were emotionally burying came up. There is no reason for you to hide in here and cry, you should be with your friends. Let us help you feel welcomed back,” he said.

“I’m tired, my body aches, I’m hungry, and my head hurts,” Ashley said listing off everything bothering him.

Jinxx nodded his head in acknowledgment. It was a decent list of problems, some he knew could be fixed right away and others Andy would need to handle. “We brought Del Taco and doughnuts,” he said.

“Krispy Kreme?” Ashley sniffled. His hand came up to wipe away the dampness on his cheeks and eyes.

“Of course.”

Jinxx handed Ashley his glasses that were laying haphazardly on the bed and encouraged him to come to the kitchen with him. The promise of doughnuts, tacos, and seeing friends seemed to lighten the mood and dry up the tears.

Jake was the first to notice Jinxx and Ashley’s presence in the kitchen. He smiled and waited for the others to notice.

Andy looked up from his abandoned food and caught a glimpse of Ashley with Jinxx. The anger had melted away, bloodshot eyes tipped him off that there were tears involved, and a shy smile was on his boyfriend’s face.

“Can I sit with you?” Ashley asked. He was implying that he wanted to sit on Andy’s knee. There were only four chairs at their table and he insisted that Jinxx take the one next to Jake.

CC snickered and made kissy noises at the couple.

Andy pushed his chair back a bit to make room for Ashley. He opened his arms to welcome his boyfriend back then wrapped his arms loosely around Ashley’s hips as he got seated. He kissed the side of Ashley’s face and neck lovingly. “CC picked up your favorite burrito or you can have a doughnut. What would you like, Ashes?” he asked.

“Hand me a Krispy Kreme,” Ashley said adjusting his glasses on his nose.

CC pushed the box of doughnuts towards his friend and went back to eating his food.

Casual conversation and joking started as everyone ate their food. There was laughter and stories being shared. Highlights of Ashley as a baby was a favorite topic drifting through the room.

“You being scared of the lorikeets was my favorite. It was so cute how you hid then peeked at the birds,” CC shared with the group.

Jake spoke up next which surprised everyone. “I got to hear your first sentence and teaching your how to say names was very special for me,” he said.

“I appreciate your patience and teaching me how to say CC’s name,” Ashley said gratefully. He’d finally stopped snacking on doughnuts and was interested in the burrito. His friend’s memories lifted his spirit and chased the overwhelming sadness away. Jinxx was right as usual, he got to see first hand how much he was loved by his friends and boyfriend. Andy made the most effort from comforting him to making the wall of photos for him. Ashley even appreciated Jinxx’s interference though being in diapers wasn’t exactly his favorite thing. He didn’t intend to tell Andy about the spell, it was a test for Jinxx and Ashley to overcome and learn from.

Jinxx mindfully took a doughnut from the box and glared over to Andy. He was waiting to see what his favorite memory would be. Jinxx couldn’t share his favorite moment with Ashley because only Jake would understand. The forgiveness Ashley gave him was the most important moment he spent with his friend.

Andy sensed it was his turn and he wracked his mind trying to narrow down one memory or thing that warranted sharing. The list was continuous, Ashley speaking, walking, his bad days, his good days, and all the activities that they planned added up. There wasn’t one moment that outweighed the rest. Ashley’s bad days taught him patience and to listen. The good days were there to shower his boyfriend in the love he deserved. Andy tightened his hold around Ashley’s waist as he thought about painting or dancing together. He then thought about watching movies and chasing away the sadness. Andy smoothed out Ashley’s messy hair before he shared what he thought was his favorite memory. “I can’t pick a single moment, beautiful,” Andy said. He was still fidgeting with Ashley’s hair, he was memorized by the man sitting on his knee, only a few hours ago there was a baby sitting on his knee eating spaghetti. The baby that was all grabby hands and pouty. It was the same Ashley he knew, and he found himself missing the tiny form. “It doesn’t matter whether it was a good or bad day, I enjoyed every minute I spent with you,” Andy said lovingly.

“Even when I was screaming and being a brat?” Ashley asked innocently. He chewed at his lip as he waited for the answer. There had been times when he tested Andy’s patience severely.

Andy dropped his hand from his boyfriend’s hair and rest it back on his thin hips. “I think this is a conversation for later, it forced me to listen to you and see what caused you to be upset,” he said.

CC saw Ashley’s face light up from Andy’s comment. Jinxx and Jake didn’t miss it either as they held hands under the kitchen table. Once all the Del Taco and Krispy Kreme doughnuts were gone and talk of the second leg of tour started, they knew they were outstaying their welcome. Andy and Ashley needed time to themselves again.

Jinxx hinted for both Jake and CC to release Ashley as they hugged him in the hallway. Their goodbyes were taking longer than expected. Andy and Jinxx both shook their heads in disbelief.

“He’ll be here in the morning, CC,” Andy said reassuring the drummer that he was welcome back tomorrow.

Jinxx tapped his toe impatiently as Jake finally released Ashley from the bear hug. “Common you two. We have a puppy to let out,” he said. He shooed the boys out the door, before leaving he winked at Andy.

Ashley didn’t miss the wink and looked to Andy curiously.

The younger man offered his hand, it was a kind gesture that begged Ashley to trust him. He waited patiently for his boyfriend to take his hand. When Ashley didn’t make a move, Andy decided to switch tactics. “Ashley,” he said in his singsong voice.

“Ashes,” Andy said inching closer.

Ashley rolled his eyes and gave his trademark smirk. He shook his head while trying to hold back the grin that was creeping onto his face.

He suspected that Ashley was playing into the game while playing his own stubborn game. Andy loved when they played this game, the one that made everyone on the tour bus cringe. He was in front of Ashley and could easily ghost his fingers against his boyfriend’s tattooed skin. “Ashley baby,” he whispered.

A chill ran down Ashley’s spine as the nickname was spoken. He wanted Andy to bridge the gap, he needed to be as close as possible to his partner.

“Ashy,” Andy said. His voice lured Ashley in and they were backed up against the hallway wall. Andy kissed the tip of Ashley’s dainty nose, he pressed teasing kisses to his boyfriend’s lips and accepted that a pair of hands were tangled in his hair. His mind was numb, and he couldn’t exactly recall if it was Ashley that pulled him back towards the wall or he had pushed his boyfriend against it.

Ashley returned each kiss with the same kind of taunting nature. He pulled at Andy’s hair even though he knew it wasn’t something his boyfriend liked. He needed to be physically close. He whispered against Andy’s lips the one thing that would drive his boyfriend wild. “Let’s go to bed,” he said. Ashley wasn’t thinking about sex, he was thinking about Andy’s words in the kitchen that they had things to discuss. He withdrew his fingers from his boyfriend’s hair to meet Andy’s hands that rest on his hips.

“I thought we were waiting,” Andy said with a seductive tone.

A loud giggle ruined the moment, Ashley gave him a playful look. “I want to lay in bed and tell you all about my week,” Ashley said. He wiggled free of Andy’s grasp and walked down the hallway, leaving his boyfriend confused.

It wasn’t unusual for Ashley’s words and actions to not match. Andy didn’t question it to much. If talking was what his boyfriend wanted to do while laying in bed, who was he to deny him such a simple pleasure? There was an openness about Ashley’s desire to talk, one like when he decided to share his album and point out the people who raised him. His mood improved as he disappeared into the bedroom, leaving Andy speechless.

Tokyo and Killer followed Ashley. They spent a good part of the day scampering back and forth to check on him being adult. They missed the baby that sometimes laid in their dog bed to cuddle or all the human food they managed to snag from unattended snack containers.

Andy budged from his spot to join his family in the bedroom. He found Ashley holding up one of the baby outfits that had been folded and placed into the laundry basket. His heart started to race as his boyfriend admired the tiny piece of clothing. It was one of the few outfits that still had its tags attached. The glittery stars accented the side of the black onesie. It was one Andy kept saying he was going to put on Ashley but never got too.

Ashley folded it up nicely and placed it back into the basket. He was aware that Andy was in the bedroom with him and he thought about the question his boyfriend proposed about having children. “One day, we’ll adopt a little girl and she can wear these clothes,” Ashley said.

“I want a boy,” Andy lightly joked. He sat down next to Ashley on the bed, he took his boyfriend’s hand in his and marvelled it how well it fit.

“I want two kids,” Ashley said. “I want to get married one day, after we decide that we are done traveling the world and touring then I want our kids. My dream has always been our careers and relationship first, there will be a time when we’ll know it’s time to start our family. You asked me that question when I was a baby and that is my answer to you.”

Andy squeezed Ashley’s hand and nodded his head. It was the best answer he could ever get to settle down his still looming baby fever. He didn’t want to talk about the future anymore, it was the kind of topic that would keep him focusing on kids instead of Ashley. He needed to be present and mindful of how he acted. He needed to be an adult and act like a man not a child. “Ashley?” he started.

“I forgive you, you’ve proven to me multiple times through this ordeal that you felt remorse. When I woke up to find myself out of my body so to speak, I knew forgiving and helping you would be the only way we would make it through this test. You don’t owe me anymore apologies. I want you to listen to me when I say I need you to stop apologizing,” Ashley said. He looked into Andy’s blue eyes and searched for any doubts, he was pleased to see understanding and love.

The younger man nodded in agreeance. “I do owe you an explanation for driving your car. Truth is mine wouldn’t start which must have been a test from karma. I had to break one of your few rules to get to you and believe me, I was terrified about crashing the car,” Andy chuckled.

“I made that rule because losing you would hurt me more than the car being damaged. It was never about the car,” Ashley said sincerely. He blinked rapidly to hold back tears and memories. It was a thought that crossed his mind sometimes, losing Andy would break his heart, and there would be no way to recover.

Andy released Ashley’s hand to pull him into a warm embrace. “You never need to worry about that okay? I plan to stay alive for a very long time, so I can be by your side. You’re stuck with me remember?” he asked.

“Thank you,” Ashley said hugging Andy back.

Their hug turned into cuddling. Each of them on their side of the bed, looking at each other. Their legs were tangled together making it hard for the dogs to wedge their way in between them. Andy played with Ashley’s hair as they stared longingly at each other. They lazily kissed each other between moments of appreciating. For some reason, that was how Andy expected to find Ashley when he returned. The moment they were sharing was the way he wanted to welcome his boyfriend back. They couldn’t stop staring at each other, their light touches, and lazy kisses was a way to express their love without using their words.

It was Ashley who eventually broke their lazy kissing. He stroked Andy’s cheek affectionately. “What was it like having me as a baby?” he asked. He wanted to know what it was like for Andy to take care of him.

“I miss you being little. I loved that you needed me and relied on me,” Andy admitted.

Ashley’s smile faltered.

“That doesn’t mean that I wish you stayed that way. I missed you every day and every night I wished to have you back. It was fun but it’s different from having you here in my arms. I couldn’t kiss you this way,” Andy said. He kissed Ashley with as much passion as he could muster. He was gentle as he pulled at his boyfriend’s bottom lip with his teeth. Andy’s hand was in the perfect place in Ashley’s hair to deepen the kiss. Everyday he longed to kiss and hold his boyfriend this way, a thought crossed Andy’s mind as he pulled away from Ashley’s lips for a second. “I can kiss you this way whenever I want because I don’t have to stop to brush my teeth or subject you to my second-hand smoke,” he said.

Ashley was still a bit drunk off the kiss, when the words finally penetrated the haze surrounding his rational mind, he couldn’t stop from pecking Andy’s lips. His words were caught in his throat and the gratitude he had was packed into each kiss. Andy deciding to quit smoking and keep his promise was one of the biggest sacrifices he made. “Thank you for making that choice,” Ashley said softly.

“What was it like to be a baby?” Andy asked curiously.

“Infuriating sometimes. I was in a void which was an empty room with a couch and spot light. I was myself, I could walk, talk, and function in that place but I saw the world through my eyes. I had to make my baby form move and talk. The spot light was dim and as we accomplished trials it would get brighter, if we failed or I got mad it dimmed. I felt alone in there and a lot of the emotions my baby form expressed were me freaking out because I was scared,” Ashley said snuggling close to Andy. He tucked himself into his boyfriend’s side, he fit perfectly in that spot, and wanted to hide there forever if that was possible.

Andy’s heart raced in his chest when he noticed Ashley tucked into his usual spot next to him. It was how he found his partner most mornings, wedged into his side like a matching puzzle piece. Ashley’s forehead rest on his chest as he clung tightly to him. Andy could with ease place his chin a top his boyfriend’s head and make him feel safe. He had to be careful when Ashley was a baby, he was tiny and fragile while his grown Ashley was the perfect size, the right fit to be held. “You have no reason to be scared. I promise, I’ll always be here for you. I love you and want nothing but the best for you, Ash,” Andy said. He held Ashley the way he liked to be held. It was the kind of embrace he used when Ashley wanted to be loved or was upset and needed comfort. The only hold they could use to both fit into a bunk on tour and on couches.

“I love you too,” Ashley said into Andy’s chest.

There was still a lot to discuss. Andy had memories he wanted to share with Ashley about his time spent with his baby form. He luckily caught many of those special moments on camera and could cherish them. Ashley wanted to explain in depth the experience of watching his friend’s and boyfriend take care of him. He wanted to thank each one of them individually for the part they played in his ‘growth’. There wasn’t enough time in one day to accomplish such a huge conversation. Andy knew there was a lot he needed to say and promises he planned to make. Instead of diving into his adult promises to help around the apartment and contribute more, he decided his responsibility was to Ashley.

They had time to talk about their relationship and future. They needed time to appreciate one another and what they learned. They owed their friends more than a simple ‘thank you’ for all the times they were dragged into fights. It would be a work in progress. The second leg of tour started soon which meant Andy and Ashley would have to put their new skills to the test. They needed to listen to each other and use their words in a civil way.

Ashley was in no rush to talk or move. Being tucked into Andy’s arms after everything that happened from their fight to him being a baby for a week was where he needed to be. He breathed in the smell of Andy’s cologne which comforted him as he clung close to the person he loved the most in the world. Tokyo and Killer curled up close to his back to remind him they were there too. Ashley found himself smiling over something ridiculous, a tradition they had, their goodnight ritual. Even though it wasn’t bedtime, the position they were in warranted it being said. Ashley tucked himself in close and whispered to Andy, “It’s you and me.”

“It will always be you and me, Ash,” Andy replied. He leaned down to kiss Ashley’s forehead. He melted into the hold his boyfriend had around him. He nothing but grateful to be the person his boyfriend chose. As they lay in bed tightly embracing, Andy knew forever was possible with Ashley.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart for all the love and support as I wrote this story.  
> I enjoyed every minute I spent writing this story and I feel this is how I wanted to leave Andy and Ashley.  
> I hope I did justice to this and you all enjoy the final chapter <3
> 
> In two weeks I plan to comb through this whole story for final editing!


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